September 20, 2017

Divorce-Say Dilemmas

Dear Frankly, I’m a separated 40-plus male “divorced” for many years in every way but legally. I posted a personal ad on a website and have been contacted by –and met–a number of women. There is one woman in particular that I am very interested in and have been spending a lot of time with. I have not told her I am still married and did not share this in my profile because I believed it would scare women away. When is the right time to come clean and admit my situation? Not Quite Divorced Dear Not Quite, My fourth…

Calling All Richards

The difficulties of this world Are big and bad and mean, And charged with such uncertainties To make solutions lean. But, if you would indulge, per chance, This simple minded cuss, There’s overwhelming evidence The problem is named, “Us.” There’s way too many of us all Including me and you And, barring wars and meteors, The answers are too few. There’s way too many Lindsays and There’s way too many Dawns, There’s way too many Trevors and There’s way too many Seans. There’s way too many Meagans And there’s way to many Ricks. There’s never enough Richards cuz There’s way…

Never Before Have Vampires and Werewolves Been So Sexy

Q: I just saw the movie “New Moon,” the sequel to “Twilight.” Never before have vampires and werewolves been so sexy. Women were screaming throughout the film, especially when Taylor Lautner took off his shirt and Robert Pattinson opens his coat. The movie is first and foremost a teenage love story with some spooky and freaky stuff, but even with the poor acting, I found myself aroused by the mystique and danger. Have you seen it? A: Nope. Hate the sight of blood, especially someone drinking it.   Q: I saw on a paranormal website that there is now a…

Horoscopes for July 28-August 3, 2013

ARIES (April 21 – April 19) You will need to pay special attention to safety and not avoid rash decisions this month. That thing could spread if scratched, making you even more hideous. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) The desire for personal and career advancement could cause you to consider furthering your education in some way. Learning from your mistakes doesn’t count. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) With your energy level cranked up, it’s possible you’ll buy a new wardrobe, dye your hair, get a tattoo or body piercing. The new outfit would be the least painful. CANCER (June…

Best Actual Headlines

Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in…

A Week at the Gym

Dear Diary, For my 40th birthday, my dear wife purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. She encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY: Started my day at 6am….

Efforts to Save on Rising Fuel Costs

Excentric World staff members take a look at Americans’ efforts to save on rising fuel costs. This motorist is a prime example of why you may not want to trade in that gas guzzling truck for a fuel saving compact. While the forklift operator argued that the vehicle could not withstand the weight of the load the homeowner ordered, the driver insisted his car had no problem carrying his order home. Judging by the photograph, the driver misjudged his car’s hauling capabilities by just a bit. The forklift driver, who snapped this picture, said the car’s axle had broken and the…

Daddy’s Diary

I found my daddy’s diary tucked Beneath his attic mess, And, lettered on the cover was, “The Secrets of Success.” I feared it would be bulging with Some windy, long laments; But when I opened it I found Three simple stanzas, hence: “To know someone, don’t listen As their lofty talk ascends, Instead, just look at what they’ve done, And who they choose as friends. And learn what you do badly, and Stop doing it, pall mall, So you can concentrate and grow In that which you do well. And, most important in your life In love, or work, or…

The Sun Mystery

In June the sun was coming up Before the crack of dawn, But, now, the thing is hold out, Not only that, but gone To bed at night much earlier— Three minutes, by the day!— And while I know this can’t be true (It’s summer; I’m at play) The trend seems clearly ominous (I’ve calculated stuff), By Christmas, it won’t shine at all And there won’t be enough Daylight and its resulting heat To keep my footsies warm And I might think of growing fur And there might be a storm And it might even snow and I Might have…

Dogs

“The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.” — Anonymous “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” — Ann Landers “If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” — Will Rogers “There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” — Ben Williams “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” — Josh Billings “The average dog is a nicer person than the…

Darwin Awards

Thwarted Robbery – James Elliot, would-be robber, peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again after his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up. This time, it worked. Chicago Storm – A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned to find a woman had taken the space. He shot her. Crazy Bar Stop – After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting had escaped. Not wanting to admit…

The Ghost of Former US President Richard Nixon Haunts Museum

Q: I read where a famous psychic medium, Joseph Ross, recently channeled former U.S. President, Richard M.Nixon, who would comment on various aspects of the displays in the Nixon Museum. Near the entrance are cases of artifacts from Nixon’s early life, prior to his entering politics–grade school essays, early photographs, love letters to Pat and Naval service documents. Here, according to Ross, the spirit of Nixon told the group that this was the only part of the library that he still enjoyed visiting. Do you believe Richard Nixon is haunting his own library? A: Someone allegedly caught the ghost of…

Horoscopes for July 14-20, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) High gas prices, polluted air, mortgage crisis, credit card gouging, narrowing job opportunities, and all you’ll worry about is that unexplainable, itchy, red rash. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will insist in the beginning that your mate call you “Skipper” and they answer to “Little Buddy.” Later on, you’ll be better known as “Archie” and “Edith.” GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You have been waiting so long to take your relationship to the “intimate” level, that every time someone claps and the lights get turned on, so do you. CANCER (June 21…

A Primer on How to Be Annoying. . .

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in.” 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.” 7. Finish…

The Italian Pasta Diet

The Italian Pasta Diet…It Really Works You walka pasta da bakery. You walka pasta da candy store. You walka pasta da ice cream shop. You walka pasta da table and fridge. Concerned About Too Many Carbs in Your Diet? For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. The Chinese drink very little red…

Age Ire

Dear Frankly, I am 54 and just broke up a 10-year relationship with a younger man. He is 45. Now he has a girlfriend who is 28. We have been apart for a little more than a year. But now it bothers me that he has this girlfriend and I don’t know why. I know I have to move on and get over him. I was OK until I found out he had someone else. I can’t stop thinking about them. Do most women do this or is something wrong with me? Ticked Off Terri Dear Ticked, My fourth, and…

New Element Discovered

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “Governmentium.” Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take…

Does The Thunder Know the Hotel Is Haunted?

Q: I read that back in January, the New York Knicks spent two nights at the Skirvin Hotel in downtown Oklahoma City, and then blamed their hotel for a loss to the Oklahoma Thunder because the hotel is haunted. The Lakers, up 2-0 after a couple of home games, went into Oklahoma, staying at the Skirvin Hotel. The series is now tied at 2-2. Could it be the Thunder knows the hotel is haunted and purposely puts up their opponents there? A: If the Thunder won every home game and their opponents all stayed at the same hotel, I would…

On Money

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” — Peter Ustinov “More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.” — John Nelson “We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.” —…

Benign Torture of Loved Ones

Excentric World staff members look at the sport of benign torture of loved ones. While seemingly harmless, pranks on the unsuspecting could lead to excessive use of alcohol and selenium, and unnecessary visits to the doctor’s office clearly not covered by their insurance policy.   Related posts: Signs of Things to Come Effects of Alcohol Binging Texting While Driving Dirty Children Make Healthy Adults?

If Dogs Could Fly…

A man was flying from Seattle. The plane had a layover in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a bit of a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman, who was blind. Another man noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his seeing-eye dog lay quietly underneath the seat in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot…

Horoscopes for July 7-13, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will be greatly disappointed this month when you try to sell your doggie’s feces in the shape of Elvis’s face on ebay for $5,000 and don’t get any bids. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will celebrate too early over the invention of the Virtual Jump Rope when sued by the inventor of the Cordless Jump Rope. You’ll cease, no strings attached. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will try to publish a book about some strange happenings you have been experiencing while visiting the restroom. You’ll call your book, “The Toilet…

Intoxicating License Plate

DRY STATE NEWS: Merlot can be a variety of grape or a type of red wine, but not an acceptable personalized license plate in the state of Utah. The Utah Tax Commission told the owner that he had to remove it because the state doesn’t allow words of intoxication to be used on vanity plates. Someone should tell the Utah Tax Commission that Merlot also is a variety of grape, originating in southern France and Italy. Snitching drivers are now on the lookout for the plates Muskat, Champagne and Concord. ANIMAL LOVING NEWS: A man from Flushing, Michigan is loving…

Effects of Steroids

Excentric World staff members take a look at the effects of steroids, and Human Growth Hormones (HGH) on the wide, wide world of sports. According to recent reports, prominent professional sports figures have been accused of illegally enhancing their bodies to give them the edge over their competition. Two baseball stars destined for the Hall of Fame are facing Congressional subpoenas. Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds are accused of bulking up with some form of adult Kool-Aid. Olympians are no exception: Ben Johnson, Marion Jones, the 1976 East German female swim team, a bearded member of the 1996 female Chinese…

French Lingeaux!

It has been said that the greatest accomplishment of the French people is their mastery of their own French language. This observation is attributed to a student studying for a final exam in – of all things – French class. There is no truth to the rumor that French is difficult to learn. The French language derives from Latin, which is the language spoken by Latinos. Therefore if you speak some English and want to learn French, you should hang around people from Mexico, Cuba and Puerto Rico. What could be simpler? For those of you who are unwilling or unable…

Strong Showing of Patriotism in the US

Excentric World staff members look at the strong showing of patriotism in the United States during the celebration of Independence Day. Every year since declaring its independence from England in 1776, citizens and occupants of the U.S. gather en masse to cheer at fireworks displays, barbecue with friends and neighbors, and pontificate of our triumph over tyranny while sporting beer toting hard hats loaded with cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and convenient straws (the ultimate Father’s Day gift). Judging by the broad smile on his face, this Yankee doodle dandy is truly reveling in the spirit of freedom and the…

“I’ll Have ABC, and Hold the Oak”

It seems like the only white wine that was available to consumers for some time was Chardonnay. The folks from Napa all gave us the same heavily wooded, buttery rich stuff, too. Personally, I can’t stand those wines. I know many winemakers that hate them with a passion as well. Even though Chardonnay is still the most popular white wine, and the big woody butter bombs still sell like mad, there’s been a growing movement by a group of people known as the ABC crowd (Anything But Chardonnay) to have more interesting white wines grace their tables. So, with summer temperatures…