September 20, 2017

Lesser Known September Holidays

September 1 is … Emma M. Nutt Day September 2 is … National Beheading Day September 3 is … Skyscraper Day September 4 is … Newspaper Carrier Day September 5 is … Be Late For Something Day September 6 is … Fight Procrastination Day September 7 is … Neither Rain Nor Snow Day September 8 is … National Date Nut Bread Day and Pardon Day September 9 is … Teddy Bear Day September 10 is … Swap Ideas Day September 11 is … No News Is Good News Day September 12 is … National Pet Memorial Day/ Chocolate Milkshake Day September 13 is … Defy Superstition Day September 14 is … National Cream-filled Donut…

Terrorism Creativity

TERRORISM CREATIVITY NEWS: The chairman of the Judiciary subcommittee on terrorism, technology and homeland security, said that terrorists could unleash electromagnetic bombs that would damage our vital electrical systems. He warned that an e-bomb attack could devastate the nation. This warning will create a nation of chaos with massive panic among Americans unless they realize that terrorists can’t create imaginary weapons as fast as we can create imaginary defenses against them. EDUCATION NEWS: Students at an Ivy League university were asked to write an essay that contained four subjects: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The student who got an A+ wrote…

Missing in Action

Dear Frankly, My soon-to-be-husband called and suggested getting together. We agreed to meet at his apartment. So, I went home, rushed through my evening tasks, and went to his apartment. He was not there, so I let myself in, fed the dog and settled in. Two hours later – no boyfriend. I left a voice mail on his cell phone and went home. I have not heard from him in two days and I am boiling mad. This is the second time this has happened. What should I do? Ticked Terry Dear Ticked, Before he was my fourth husband, Frank…

Books and Other Gift Shop Goods Moving on Their Own

Q: A book hit a woman in the back, a 10 by 10 inch hardback titled “The Confederate Navy: The Ships, Men and Organization 1861-1865.” Books aren’t the only gift shop goods moving on their own: On the front counter, key rings, pins and whistles hang upon a square, black spindle. Workers say sometimes it spins without anyone touching it, and the motion is not spurred by a fan or air conditioner. Bruce Smith, the Port Columbus National Civil War Naval Museum’s executive director, would not go so far as to say the place is haunted. If it isn’t haunted,…

Horoscopes for August 25-31, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will find unexplained spots showing up on parts of your body. Fortunately, they will be in places that no one but you and your Hanes will ever see. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This is a good time to buy a new car. It doesn’t have to be a new, new car. It can be a new, used car or truck or motorcycle. No, no motorcycles. Remember your bike? GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will smile all the time right now. This is confusing, because you are not a happy person….

The Charm of Amulets

Q: Can you tell me about amulets? Is there one that increases creativity? A: An amulet is a charm, often inscribed with an incantation. Charms were originally spoken or sung. The word charm comes from the French charme, which means song. The problem was that most French people were totally tone deaf and solid objects became the preferred substitute. I’m sure you can go to Amulets-R-Us and get one for every reason under the full moon. Q: I was reading about the Dropa stones and the possibility that there is recorded history of the Earth being visited by aliens from…

Heavy Petters!

Profound and unique insight: You’re never too old to learn! The other evening I was porch settin’ with my cat, Buckshot, when he turned to me and asked why I hadn’t used my petters on him lately. Intrigued, I asked what in the world did he mean by “petters?” His answer provided a fascinating glimpse into the workings of the feline mind. It seems that cats are very much aware of the differences between themselves and humans. That awareness includes realizing that we have things at the ends of our arms that are different from their paws. These things we call…

Laser Achievement

NUCLEAR DEFENSE NEWS: The U.S. Air Force has tested an infrared chemical laser meant to shoot down launch-phase enemy missiles from a modified 747 airliner. The test wasn’t airborne; it was in a hangar at Edwards Air Force Base, and it didn’t actually shoot anything down, but one of the contractors said it was an exceptional achievement. The project has been in progress since before 1988 when Dr. Angelo Codevilla, a staff member of the U.S. Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, declared the chemical laser ready to deploy. BANK ROBBERY NEWS: Thieves responsible for the $42 million heist in Belfast,…

On Age

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.” — Jean Kerr “The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.” — H. L. Mencken “We are always the same age inside.” — Gertrude Stein “It’s not catastrophes,…

Dreaming about Ex

Dear Frankly, After an 8 year long relationship, my husband and I got a divorce. I tried giving him his space, thinking he would realize I was the one for him. He is now with one of my “close friends,” and will soon be having a baby. We didn’t have any children because we felt we weren’t ready for them yet. I have since moved away in the two years we’ve been apart. I’ve done everything I could think of to get over him, but every night I still see him in my dreams. How do I move on and…

Raising the Retirement Age

Excentric World staff members look at the potential results of raising the retirement age. Not only are businesses not hiring new college graduates, but seniors who don’t qualify for a gig at Wal-Mart or McDonald’s are left to their imaginations. This octogenarian (Billy) who once swung in a swing band gathered instruments from garage sales and hit the streets, performing songs from better times. Born during the Great Depression, he recalled his parents working up to their retirement years. With everyone living longer, he was forced to supplement his Social Security to pay for his parents’ nursing home bills. Billy’s…

A Rosé by Any Other Name

It’s the time of year in Arizona where the temperatures are just plain hot. Tastes in the beverage world switch from the hearty and robust to the light and refreshing. A class of wine that has risen in popularity the last couple years, and matches perfectly with summer tastes, is rosé. Most people sadly see a pinkish colored wine and instantly think White Zinfandel. While this does fit into the class, it’s hardly representative of great rosé wines. This month, I’ll introduce you to the world of rosés, recommend a few regions to look for, as well as suggest a…

Did Edison Design or Build a Ghost Machine?

Q: Thomas Edison said, “I don’t claim that our personalities pass on to another existence or sphere. I don’t claim anything because I don’t know anything about the subject. For that matter, no human being knows. But I do claim that it is possible to construct an apparatus which will be so delicate that if there are personalities in another existence or sphere who wish to get in touch with us in this existence or sphere, the apparatus will at least give them a better opportunity to express themselves than the tilting tables and raps and Ouija boards and mediums…

Horoscopes for August 11-17, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Aries has been through a rough time lately. Even though it has been caused by the people around you, it is still your fault for picking Jerry Springer Show friends. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Your planet Mercury is about to change signs and the move will take him out of Gemini, which you might see as a negative. Gemini couldn’t be happier. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) By the end of the month, the planet of love, gorgeousness and all things beautiful will have left your sign for another year. First the…

Intelligence and Intellect

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn’t.” — Emerson M. Pugh “Character is higher than intellect. A great soul will be strong to live as well as think.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson “We’ve all met people who are supposedly incredibly intelligent but don’t know which way…

Psychic Definitions and Charred Remains

Q: Can you tell me the difference between a psychic, a clairvoyant and a medium? A friend of mine says they’re all the same with different degrees of successful guessing. What do you think? A: By definition, a psychic is a person supposedly sensitive to nonphysical or supernatural forces and influences; a clairvoyant is a person having the supposed power to see objects or events that cannot be perceived by the senses; and a medium is a person thought to have the power to communicate with the spirits of the dead or with agents of another world or dimension. In…

Ask Kids about Mom and Dad

Why did God make mothers? 1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my mom the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and…

Side Effects

PRESCRIPTION NEWS: People suffering from chronic headaches, nausea, diarrhea, gas or dizziness may finally find relief in a medical cure-all. The only drawbacks of the new pill, available only by prescription, are the side effects: headaches, nausea, diarrhea, gas or dizziness. LAW ENFORCEMENT NEWS: A thirty-year-old Arizona lottery winner has been convicted of a felony and sentenced to 10 years in state prison or 1 day a week for 70 years. ENTREPRENEURIAL NEWS: Due to the fact that their machines only accept quarters, coin-operated laundries, car washes and amusement devices in Utah were forced to raise prices from $1.25 to…

On Wisdom

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj?un), n. [origin unknown]  1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man.  2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend.” — Zenna Schaffer “How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.” — Steve Martin “Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.” — Steven Wright…

Dangerous Horseplay

Numerous scientific and government studies have shown that occupations related to dealing with animals are the most dangerous. There’s always the possibility of being bit, scratched, clawed, mauled, kicked, butted, bucked, squeezed, stepped on, knocked down, run over, or in the case of small dogs, barked to death. The danger varies proportionally with the size of the animal. Horses fall into the category of large. I’m not talking about the obvious risks such as getting bucked off into a bed of prickly pear cactus, flattened against a stall wall, a playful nip from teeth capable of pulling railroad spikes, or…

Horoscopes for August 4-10, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Every time an astrological forecast came true, it was pure luck, or you did something to make it come true. The discovery of a new planet changes everything. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) September might as well be April or February or December. Now that a tenth planet has been found orbiting our sun, all bets are off. So are all forecasts. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You would be having one the best times of your life this month if it weren’t for the sighting of that tenth planet in our solar…

Cheeky Creations

CRACK NEWS: Outside of class and under an alter ego, the self-proclaimed artist, Stephen Murmer, a fun, popular art teacher, creates floral and abstract art by plastering his posterior and genitals with paint and pressing them against canvas. His cheeky creations sell for hundreds of dollars. This has not gone over well with Chesterfield County school officials, who placed him on administrative leave from his job in Richmond, VA. Monacan High could soon be the butt of many jokes. SPACE NEWS: Using a gold-plated 6-iron, Russian cosmonaut Mikhail Tyurin hit a golf ball into orbit from a platform on the…

Jailbirds and Online Jilters

Dear Frankly, I have a brother-in-law who is constantly in trouble. His antics are even starting to affect my marriage to his sister. We get along fine until we start arguing about him. She’s the one who brings him up and I don’t want to ignore her. What should I do? Puzzled Hubby Dear Puzzled, My third husband had a younger brother that couldn’t stay out of jail. His mother kept bailing him out. He’d apologize and get everyone feeling sorry for him. Then, not a month later, he’d be right back in the slammer. My husband and I argued…

Lesser Known August Holidays

August 1 . . . Friendship Day and National Raspberry Cream Pie Day August 2 . . . National Ice Cream Sandwich Day August 3 . . . National Watermelon Day August 4 . . . Twins Day Festival August 5 . . . National Mustard Day August 6 . . . Wiggle Your Toes Day August 7 . . . Sea Serpent Day August 8 . . . Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night August 9 . . . National Polka Festival August 10. . . Lazy Day August 11. . . Presidential Joke Day August 12….