January 18, 2019

Porch Settin’!

Yep, the time has come. Summer weather is here and it’s finally time to get serious about America’s favorite rural tradition: porch settin’. For those few ignorant souls out there who don’t engage in this summertime inactivity, allow me to provide a brief refresher course on the accepted standards for this most popular pastime. Porch settin’ is a simple thing but, done right, it’s a perfect expression of grace, artistry and tranquil demeanor. As with any human undertaking, the experts make it look easy. But careful analysis reveals the wealth of training, discipline, careful study and attention to detail that combine…

Horoscopes for June 29-July 5, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Work, love, life, whatever, you’re a big winner. The kind of winner everybody wants to take out to dinner and smother with kisses. No, wait, that’s last year’s. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are itching for a little highbrow culture. But you live in Cornville, AZ and have nothing to scratch it with since the breakup of the Cornville Symphony. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) The microcosm of civilization that surrounds you is starting to wear on your patience, and the idea of faces you don’t recognize sounds thrilling. Go bowling….

Million Dollar Prize to Prove Your Paranormal Abilities

Q: The James Randi Educational Foundation Million Dollar Challenge will be discontinued 24 months from this coming March 6th. In this challenge, Randi promises a prize of one million dollars to anyone proving his or her paranormal abilities. This means that all those wishing to be claimants are required to get their applications in before the deadline, properly filled out and notarized as described in the published rules. Do you think anyone will collect the money? A: How would I know? I’d have to be psychic or something, wouldn’t I?   Q: As the nation studies the polls in New…

Brimstone Bound

                                       Pope Benedict is telling me That my beliefs are swell, And, though he hates to break the news, I’m going straight to Hell. The Protestants proclaim with smiles, My heart is pure and true, But, if I think I’m heaven-bound, I’ve lost a major screw. The Christian Rapture Right declares They’d help me if they could, But, since I voted Democrat, Damnation is too good. I’ve not heard from the Atheists, Or, those who worship Beer, But, exit polls predict as one, My…

A Horse, a Donkey, and a Communist

Admittedly, I am not much of a cocktail drinker. My beverage preferences are heavily skewed to the fermented variety versus the distilled, and most mixed drinks tend to be a bit on the sweet side for my palate. Margaritas, for the most part, are the only cocktail I’ve ever really cared for. Recently though, I was introduced to an old cocktail that has become trendy once again, and when the heat’s coming on, it’s one that gives a refreshing option for the mixed drink aficionados out there. It’s called a Moscow Mule. The origins of the cocktail date back to 1941…

Horoscopes for June 15-21, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will try to continue passing the holiday spirit along by whistling carols. Joy will come to an abrupt stop when friends and co-workers Super Glue your lips. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will be approached by the authorities soon for assault with intent to cause internal harm after relatives report you for re-gifting those nasty old fruitcakes. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will emerge from a life-long doubt about the existence of Santa Claus this month. You still didn’t receive any gifts, but your roof is covered in reindeer poop….

Bisexual Boyfriend

Dear Frankly, My boyfriend, who I have been dating for three years, has just told me that he is bisexual. He said that he has never told anyone else and has hidden it from me until now. I cried for a week. I have many self-esteem problems already. He also said that if he were in my shoes, he would probably end the relationship. However, he’s glad I haven’t ended it and promises to be true. I am so confused with no one to talk to. What should I do? Confounded Connie Dear Confounded, Well, if that doesn’t beat all….

Modern Politics

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “I will not withdraw, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me.” — President George W. Bush “Good thing we’ve still got politics — finest form of free entertainment ever invented.” — Molly Irvins “My FOX guys, I love every single one of them.” — Condoleezza Rice “What we really expect out of the Democrats is…