September 20, 2017

Helpin’ Momma!

Some time ago, my Momma started complaining about her knees. They were beginning to hurt her, especially when she had to go upstairs. As time went on, the condition got worse and worse until we decided something had to be done about it. After looking at all the options, we decided that installing a stair lift in Momma’s house would be the best thing to do. Now, I am nothing if not a good and devoted son, so in order to show Momma how much I loved and cared for her, I volunteered to handle this project from start to…

L-o-l-a Lola

Q: My son has found an imaginary friend. He calls her Lola. I think he got the name off a cartoon show. It seems she advises him on matters he chooses not to discuss with us. So far, I haven’t seen any negative affects on his social behavior or his relationships with other people. He talks with Lola when he thinks no one else is around, but I have observed him more than a few times in lengthy conversation. Should I interfere or leave him be? A: I’d normally say leave him be, but the accompanying picture you sent shows…

The Petting Zoo Diet

                                                 The girl sat down across from me And gave her mane a swish. She opened up her menu as She crowed, “I can’t eat fish!” “You can’t?” I asked. She mooed, and said, “Nor cheesecake anymore, Or anything like brownies or The things that I adore. No sugar, lard, or olive oil, No beef or bird or pork, No albatross or crocodile will Ever grace my fork. Now, rutabagas I can eat, But I don’t see…

Younger Booty Bother

Dear Frankly, I’m 54 and broke up a 10-year relationship with a younger man a year ago. And he now has a girlfriend (28). He’s 45. But now he has this girlfriend and it bothers me and I don’t know why. I know I have to get over him and I was OK until I found out he had someone else. Do most women do this or is something wrong with me? I should have got out a long time ago. Please tell me, Frankly, how do I go about getting along with the rest of my life? Pausing with…

Cynicism

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows.” — David T. Wolf “A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.” — H. L. Mencken “My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists.” — Jean Rostand “No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to…

More Creatures from the Land of Legend

Q: In the ancient language of Cornwall, the name MORGAWR, meaning “Sea Giant,” describes an enormous marine monster that lives in the waters of Falmouth Bay–a long necked sea serpent, similar in appearance to the famous “Nessie” of Loch Ness. Cornwall is known as the “Land of Legend” and, until fairly recently, the Great Cornish Sea Serpent was regarded as part of that legend–a romantic rumor, a mythological beast, a figment of the Celtic imagination, along with pixies, mermaids and spriggans. Are you aware of recent sightings of this serpent? A: Sorry, no. Not since March 1976 has there been…

Horoscopes for September 7-13, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You will find it effortless to turn away from the dramatically unsocial people in your life and not ever look back again. Probably because they can run so fast. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Some forecasts have pies and rubber chickens flying in your path. That is ridiculous. The stars show you dodging gluten free carrot cakes and rubber duckies. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Just like a long race in the Olympics, you may want to pace yourself. Winning the first lap isn’t important, it’s finishing first. It’s a metaphor for…

Little Sentence for Little Man

LITTLE LEGAL NEWS: A Nebraska judge said a 5-foot-1 man convicted of sexually assaulting a child was too small to survive in prison, and gave him 10 years of probation instead. A drastic rise in serious crimes committed by “little people” in the state of Nebraska is expected. HIGH FASHION NEWS: An Indiana high school student, a male student who has worn women’s clothes to school all year, was turned away from his high school prom because he was wearing a dress. Kevin Logan, 18, went to the West Side High School prom on Friday in a slinky fuchsia gown…

Understanding the Old World

One thing I’ve noticed that causes confusion among wine consumers is how to decipher European wine labels. Consumers from the US and other developing wine markets tend to understand wine based on the predominant grape, meaning you buy a Cabernet Sauvignon or Chardonnay, etc. The vast majority of Europe, however, traditionally names wines after the region the wine is produced: Bordeaux, Burgundy, Chianti, etc. The main problem this presents for consumers is that they’re often not familiar with what the wine regions of Europe have to offer in the bottle. Just what is Chianti? What are you drinking when you…

Deja Vu

There’s really no point in my going on vacation. I should just save my money, because no matter where I go, I’m reminded of home. For example, I went to Alaska and saw nothing new. The dog sled team, barking and eagerly straining at the harness, reminded me of the department where I work–well, except for the straining and eager part. I even went to see some glaciers, because I was sure there were none in Arizona. Calving is the term used to describe huge amounts of ice falling off the face of a glacier into the water. This glacier…