December 13, 2017

Don’t Disturb the Hidden People

Q: I read about a woman, an elf seer, in Boston, Erla Stefansdottir, who named elves, gnomes, dwarves, angels, light fairies, and “the hidden people” as all belonging to classes of what she called elfin beings. Any of the above named entities, Ms. Stefansdottir said, “can get quite upset if we ruin their houses or go against their wishes and we have to face the consequences. They can put a spell on us.” Do you believe “hidden people” exist under the earth and place spells on those who disturb their dwellings? A: I know little people with some pretty serious…

Holiday Treats

It’s “that time of the year” again. The time of the year when every writer who writes anything in any kind of newspaper or magazine has to remind you that it’s that time of the year again. So what is that time of the year? The Holiday Season, of course! On page 15 of the Official Rules of Writing, it states that, “No writer shall ignore ‘that time of the year’ under penalty of banishment from the Writer’s Community.” Therefore, I have no choice but to write a festive and fun-filled column about the holiday season.  This year I’ve chosen…

Hand Me Down Boyfriends

Dear Frankly, I have a situation. My sister and I are the best of friends. We share almost everything, clothes, music, jewelry, you name it. But recently, she broke up with her boyfriend of more than four years. How long do I have to wait before asking him out? I don’t want to upset her, but he and I have great chemistry. Is two weeks long enough? She didn’t cry much and seems to be over him. How about one whole month – that’s over four weeks. Is that long enough? Help me figure this one out! Hot 4 My…

The Joy of Gingerbread

Kath works in New York City in The Carnegie’s sweet dell. She plays a little music for A maestro named Maazel. But, each December moment she Can steal from bed and bow, She fiddles with molasses over Bowls of ginger-dough! She kneads it with her fingers, and She throws it on the floor! She rolls it out on hands and knees From kitchen sink to door! She cuts out walls and windows, and Bakes gables, doors and roofs, Then sticks them all together with The glue of reindeer hooves! This year she’ll craft a Gothic church With Handel in a…

Success

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.” — Earl Wilson “If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.” — Dan Quayle “Success is the child of audacity.” — Benjamin Disraeli “Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value.” — Albert Einstein “The Lord gave…

Spirits of Deceased Junkies Haunted the House

Q: I read a story about a man from Pennsylvania whose daughter was attacked by a ghost. Police told him that five people had overdosed in the same building in her bedroom some years back before the house was renovated and he and his family moved in. Could it be one or more spirits from the deceased junkies that attacked the girl and haunted the house? A: One way to find out if the attacks were from junkie spirits is to see if the specters forget to say “Boo!” and fall asleep in the middle of a haunting.   Q:…

Horoscopes for December 7-13, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Holidays are coming and relatives are on their way to invade your home. This time, you’ll be prepared. Gift certificates to restaurants and hotels are great ideas. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) A small piece of dust will land on one of your eyes, leaving trails and triggering flashbacks from the 60s. You’ll recover with a love for tie-dye and paisley. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be questioned this month in the disappearance of your senile uncle-in-law. You’ll stick to your story that you dropped him off to shop at Super…

Leash-free

POOCH CORRECT NEWS: The town of Hillsboro, Oregon has built a leash-free dog park named for Hondo, a police dog killed ten years ago chasing a suspect. A fire hydrant was painted as an American flag, as a further tribute to him. The hydrant had to be removed after a number of people complained that dogs did not respect the flag, refusing to salute and by doing what they normally do on fire hydrants. HAUTE CUISINE NEWS: Tim Janus, of New York City, has won the world burrito-eating championship by eating 10-3/4 eighteen-ounce burritos in 12 minutes. Other competitors included…

The Politics of Drinking

Bourbon is required to contain at least 50% corn and must be aged in a new, charred, American oak barrel. In 1516, Bavaria passed a law called the Reinheitsgebot allowing only 3 ingredients in the production of beer. One of my favorites: to this day, the Vatican has given its blessing to consume as much bock or doublebock beer as you wish. There are basically three major influences on the development of beverages in history: the local raw materials used in production; natural barriers between regions that isolate people and plant species; and the never ending influence of those in…

Other Characteristics of a Counter

After reading my recent column about being a “counter,” many people have found it necessary to confess that they are also. I have not actually counted how many, but as I suspected, there are more out there than you would imagine. Some have disagreed with my opinion that it was genetic or hereditary, because other family members classify them as being weird. None reported their family has gone to the extreme of keeping them hidden away when company arrives, but introductions may be cut short if you start to say, “It’s nice to meet you. You know, you’re the seventh…