December 17, 2017

Top 10 Signs You Were Too Old to Trick or Treat

10. You got winded from knocking on the door. 9. You had to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You asked for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone dropped a candy bar in your bag, you lost your balance and fell over. 6. People said, “Great Boris Karloff Mask,” and you weren’t even wearing a mask. 5. When the door opened you yelled, “Trick or…..” and couldn’t remember the rest. 4. By the end of the night, you had a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You had to carefully choose a costume that wouldn’t dislodge…

Is the Ouija Board Safe?

Q: One night, my brother and I were playing with my new Ouija board. As soon as the entity revealed itself, I felt this strange feeling come over me. We asked the entity if it was good or evil, and it spelled out “EVIL.” It got harder and harder for me to breathe, until finally it felt like something pushed me and it was over. Ever since that night, strange things have been happening: doors shut by themselves, I hear strange noises and see shadows in the middle of the night. Although these experiences scared me, I still bring out…

No Girls Allowed

I’ve always been a skeptic when They cried, “Conspiracy!” But, lately, it’s apparent that They’re ganging up on me! Not lobbyists, or lawyers, or Republicans, or gripes. I’m talking about plumbers and The placement of their pipes. Or, maybe, it’s the architects Who all are growing taller, And simply draw the men’s room plans That plumbers all must foller. At any rate, I’m 5 foot 5″ A Lilliputian prince And when I use a public john It makes my ego wince. The plumbing has ascended far Above my dignity: The fellow with the kiddy stool Is more than likely me!…

Horoscopes for November 17-23, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) There is a whole lot of excitement happening in your life in November. Or, perhaps there’s emotional turmoil in your immediate vicinity. Hard to tell which. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You need a party, even if you have to throw one yourself. Your social energy is great and you need others to help you develop your little inner party self. Yippee. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) If you’re going out on the town this month, try a lecture, art event or the theater. Not that this is your kind of entertainment,…

Netflix is an Option

Dear Frankly, I’m a 30-year-old divorcee, attractive, and often mistaken for being in my early 20s. I really miss having someone in my life and would love to marry again. I meet men easily, but they are interested in sex, especially when they find out that I have 3 kids. I am educated, independent and mature. I have tried meeting men at school, my job and at bars. But these have not worked for me. Do you have any suggestions as to good places to meet the kind of high quality men that I seek? Unlucky Searcher Dear Unlucky, Men…

Out-of-work US Citizens

Excentric World staff members take a look at empty offices, vulture capitalists’ answer to inflation. The job of the person who used to sit at this cubicle has been shipped to India. For just a few rupees, corporations can hire apologetic technical help to assist Americans with questions about their computer products. Out-of-work U.S. citizens are considering training in speaking with an accent and apologizing for your difficulty.   Related posts: Yard Work! Financial Struggle The Italian Pasta Diet Americans with No Abilities Act Passes

On Marriage

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.” — Duane Dewel “In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.” — Helen Rowland “Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” — Jackie Mason “Marriage is like putting your hand into a…

A Bright Blue Figure Emitting a Shimmery Aura

Q: My friend and I were walking on a Canadian shoreline. It was a bright night with all the stars shining and the moon was well lit. We turned toward the sea and saw a blue figure, very tall – about 7 feet – walking through the trees. It made no sound. It was a bright blue and glowing figure, emitting a shimmery aura. My friend and I both became very frightened. It walked away and out of our vision; we didn’t dare follow it. We ran to the people at a campfire, screaming and describing what we saw. One…

Horoscopes for November 10-16, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you’ll need peace and quiet to think clearly. So, much like Thoreau, you’ll head out into the woods. You will solve the falling tree conundrum. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) If there’s anyone to whom you have felt attracted, this is the time to move in. You’ll appear as the most tantalizing person around, especially if trapped in an elevator. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Use your artistic nature and love of beauty and harmony to inspire others to put away their differences. If that fails, crack the whip. Leave the…

Every Vote Was Counted

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real state agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the North?” When another person explained that the sun rises in the East (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.” And then she voted! I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I…

Call Waiting

When I answered the phone the other day a woman asked to speak to “B Marks.” I knew this was not a social call because only two people in the world refer to me as “B,” and I knew this wasn’t “F” or “L.” I thought, “This person must have gotten my name from the phone book.” I answered, “I be B.” She said, “Hi, this is Melissa from the local phone company, how are you today?” Even though she asked, I could tell she really was not interested when I told her about how the cold and damp weather…

Horoscopes for November 3-9, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will overhear people talking about you today. They say you are a real buff, hot, techno-muffin. Later you will discover they were talking about someone else. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll be in an accelerated mode this November. Instead of the normal day late and a dollar short, you’ll somehow manage be a total no-show and flat broke. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will stumble over an oddly shaped rock while on a hike in a remote part of Sedona. A psychic had told you good fortune was on the…

Biggest Task in America

ECONOMIC RECOVERY NEWS: Economists say that when the dollar is weak, meaning it’s losing value compared to other currencies, one benefit is that more American products can be sold overseas. Now, the biggest task for American manufacturers is to find a way to sell more products in America. EDUCATION NEWS: The latest trend in modern education is tutoring 2 and 3-year-olds for preschool. Next will come surrogate potty training followed by substitute breast feeding. END OF THE WORLD NEWS: According to Harvard University scientists, a dying star lurking dangerously close to Earth is on the brink of exploding into a…

Lesser Known November Holidays

November 1. . .Plan Your Epitaph Day November 2. . .National Deviled Egg Day November 3. . .Sandwich Day and Housewife’s Day November 4. . .Waiting For The Barbarians Day November 5. . .Gunpowder Day November 6. . . Saxophone Day and Marooned Without A Compass Day November 7. . . National Bittersweet Chocolate With Almonds Day November 8. . . Dunce Day November 9. . . Chaos Never Dies Day November 10 . . Forget-Me-Not Day November 11 . . Air Day November 12 . . National Pizza With The Works Except Anchovies Day November 13 . . National…

Cripple Creek, Colorado Is the Most Haunted City in America

Q: I read that Cripple Creek, CO is the most haunted city in America. Given its history, complete with mining accidents, floods, fires, lawlessness and bloody battles between mine owners and labor unions, it isn’t so hard to imagine there may be ghosts who continue to wander the town. A famous apparition is “Maggie” at the Colorado Grande Casino and Maggie’s Restaurant. Staff in other cripple Creek buildings claim to have ghosts pull their hair and rearrange store supplies. Could the entire city be haunted? A: My only experience with Cripple Creek is from “The Band.”   Q: I heard…

Horoscopes for October 27-November 2, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This is not a good time to change your diet. The economy just can’t take the shock of the closing of yet another all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) November is the month for watching football, family gatherings, big meals, raking leaves and dragging winter clothes out of mothballs. Spring will be here soon. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Just when you think your luck has changed, you get a letter explaining the all expenses paid luxury vacation for two weeks to New Orleans expires in two weeks. CANCER (June 21…

New Toys

While the toy recalls mount through the ceiling, Sending outsourcing importers reeling, And Barbie’s lead paint Causes Elmo to faint, While the Easy Bake Oven is peeling, There’s an old fashioned movement re-starting, Causing Wal-Mart and Cosco some smarting, ‘Cuz without Einstein Blocks To stuff in kids’ socks, Toys R Us, from their profits, is parting. They are words often spoken by mothers, And repeated by grandmas and others, Fisher Price is appalled ‘Cuz they can’t be recalled: “Just go play with your sisters and brothers!” Related posts: Ask Kids about Mom and Dad On Board Computers The Sun Mystery

Loveland Lights in the Sky

Q: On the evening of March 22, 2009, at approximately 19:45 hours, I was traveling southbound on I-25 approximately five miles north of the Loveland, CO area when I noticed a set of lights in the sky that were approximately 250’ above the ground.The craft was perfectly stationary as it “hovered” in the air, neither tilting nor moving in any specific direction. As I traveled closer I was able to see that its dimmed lights were part of an aircraft/mechanical object. Did I just have a close encounter? A: A hovering craft spotted over a place called Loveland (the land…

Horoscopes for October 13-19, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) After constantly being rejected by members of any sex, you decide to call one of those 900 phone sex lines and will be told, “Sorry, I’m just not in the mood.” TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Concerned with your weight gain and lack of energy, you will become a vegetarian, only to learn that vegetarian is an old Indian word for “crappy hunter.” GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Your ship will finally come in this month. Unfortunately, it’s cargo will be one of the six percent checked by Port Authority and confiscated as…

Preventing Premature Yoga Postures

Dear Frankly, I’m a 26 year old, successful, professional female with no children. I met the man I would like to marry last weekend at my art exhibit. We are both visual artists. We talked art and there was light flirtation (my mother was there). Parting, he took my business card and asked me to email him. I did, and asked him when his next visit to my city would be, and he quickly replied with the date he would be back in town. It’s been two days and I have not heard back from him. What should I do?…

The Sport of Torero Goring

Excentric World staff members take a look at the sport of Torero Goring. The rules of this new sport include a brightly dressed human armed with a cape and a sword. Thrust into an arena, the human’s goal will be to tease a large, agitated bull with the cape and, after a number of passes and close calls to the cheering and jeering of the stadium audience, the matador stabs the bull for no apparent reason other than to kill him. If he misses the spot aimed to disable the bull, the bull is finally able to use tools given…

The Universe

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man does not have to experience it.” — Max Frisch “The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.” — Kilgore Trout “I’m astounded by people who want to know the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.” — Woody Allen “In the beginning,…

Words are the Horses a Writer Rides

Just as a jockey wonders about and studies horses, so should a writer study words; for words are the horses a writer rides. Language that was perfectly acceptable a couple of hundred years ago has fallen into disuse and I wonder why. Take the word thither for example. I will never have the opportunity to say, “I shall hasten thither to the Seven-eleven for a Slurpee.” I suppose the reason is that all too often it comes out: “I thall hasten thither to the theven-eleven for a thlurpee,” but that’s not reason enough to kill off a perfectly good word…

Horoscopes for October 6-12, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Halloween pranks start early. You’ll find scary things happening around you this month. The first will be a stinky toilet apparition who laughs when you sit down. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) October is more than a little spooky. With the discovery of Sedna, the new alignment of the planets show you being attacked by a deranged animated leaf blower. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You would still be having one the best times of your life this month if it weren’t for the sighting of that tenth planet in our solar system….

Sex Equals Happiness

JOB SATISFACTION NEWS: According to scientists in England, leaders in the field of “happiness economics,” increasing sex frequency in marriage from once a month to weekly provides as much happiness as a $50,000 a year raise. Also, a lasting marriage is the equivalent of $100,000 annually. So, if you spend too much time at the office trying to get a raise, you’re better off leaving early and doing business with your spouse. STATISTICAL NEWS: A new study shows that about 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot, with a margin of error of around + or –…

The Common Man Behind the Curtain

What comes to mind when you think of a winery? It’s probably a picturesque property covered with vines, a sophisticated tasting room that pours the range of wines, maybe a few knick-knacks, and that mysterious cellar you can get invites to if you’re a member of the club or there’s a special event. That or it’s something quaint and rustic with not much fancy decor, but still a good bit of tourist charm. The world looks a little different when you’re on the other side of the tasting room table, though. When I tour a winery, I usually go where…

Hauntings in Tucson, Arizona

Q: I recently read about hauntings in Tucson, Arizona–stories about poltergeists at a theater and a couple of hospitals. I knew that Tucson was the astronomy center of the world, home to a premier research institution, the University of Arizona, and a tourism destination, but I had no idea that it boasted a reputation for the paranormal, as well. Isn’t Sedona supposed to be the phantasmal capital of Arizona? A: Well, like the vortexes, perhaps the ghosts have also left.   Q: I heard that five footprints, believed to be traces left by the legendary “Shennongjia Wildman,” have been found…

Business Opportunities!

Listen to the radio and you have to be impressed with how many business opportunities are out there. There seems to be no end to the sure-fire schemes people are hawking on the air waves. Let’s face it. How good can it really be if the people promoting it have to beg you to get started? Do you really want to squander your life savings on a phone card business? How about stuffing envelopes? Wow! Medical billing. There’s an exciting and lucrative career. I, on the other hand, have come up with a system that CAN’T FAIL! What do successful…

Lesser Known October Holidays

October 1 is World Vegetarian Day and Magic Circles Day October 2 is Name Your Car Day October 3 is Virus Appreciation Day, Techies Day October 4 is National Golf Day October 5 is National Storytelling Festival, Do Something Nice Day October 6 is German-American Day, Come and Take It Day October 7 is National Frappe Day, National Frugal Fun Day October 8 is American Tag Day October 9 is Moldy Cheese Day, Curious Events Day October 10 is National Angel Food Cake Day October 11 is It’s My Party Day October 12 is International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day…

Homeward Drowned

They say that you cannot go home— You never can go back! I’m here to take exception, and Encourage you to pack Your grip, and quit your worthless job, And terminate your lease, And drag your furniture outdoors, And burn it, piece by piece, And call the Postal Service, and Exterminate your mail, And cancel all your credit cards, And don’t forget to fail To call the county coroner, And tell him that you’re dead, But not to pick your carcass up— You’re going home, instead! And, when your bus pulls into town, Prepare to be bereft: Because, in twenty…