January 18, 2019

Haunted Balls

Q: I bought some old lawn bowling balls at a thrift store. I thought they would be great in my hall entrance way, displayed in a large basket or bowl. Excited about my find, I rushed home and unpacked my heavy treasures.I didn’t have a basket big enough to accommodate all eight of them, so I just placed them on the hardwood floor. I awoke from a deep sleep to a thundering noise. Upon investigation, my cat and I discovered one of the balls rolling down the hallway. Could the balls be haunted? I gave them away. A: If you had…

Horoscopes for June 8-14, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will take credit this month for a new campaign to promote a popular landmark near your home. Park your car, stop to smell the flowers and kiss our buttes. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will find yourself ambling quite often this month. You’ll lose a few pounds and start a profitable new fitness business, Amble Your Way To Better Health. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will have a “lost time” episode. You explain that you were abducted by aliens and then returned a day later, but the bartender remembers serving…

Sheepish Sex Offender

SEX CRIME NEWS: In Battle Creek MI, a man who pleaded no contest to a sodomy charge involving a sheep says he should not have to register as a sex offender. Police said Jeffrey S. Haynes had sex with a sheep at a Bedford Township farm. The animal’s owner caught him on the property and the sheep was found injured. Haynes claims he is harmless, but the prosecutor says he was just trying to pull the wool over their eyes. SOBER SINGER NEWS: Hanoi, Vietnam – Karaoke bars in Vietnam will no longer be allowed to sell or have alcohol…

All About Coffee

Coffee on the move, whether in a car or during a stroll down the street to a park bench, is always an experience. Most establishments have converted to foam cups, but there are still a few holdouts that sell coffee in cardboard cups, with and without the little elephant ear handles. In the wake of the “hot lap” incident most cardboard cups have a printed warning, “Caution, cup can be hot.” However, once you pick up the cup to read the warning, it’s either untrue or old news, unless, of course, you have one of those little corrugated sleeves that…

Horoscopes for June 1-7, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you’ll go home to celebrate the 4th of July. Your father keeps calling you Bucky. You wouldn’t mind if it hadn’t been the name of your old, smelly dog. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) July is the month for vacations. You’ll decide to take the family on a special camping trip to the Grand Canyon, get lost, end up in Utah and covert to Republican. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) It’s officially summer and you need to get into bathing suit shape. Temporary Orthorexia nervosa may be just the thing. Summer…

Definition of Ghosts and Possession

Q: In quantum terms, the device with which you measure a phenomenon has a direct correlation with not only your anticipation, but with your result. Perhaps we have such individuated mechanisms that while not psychological in the strictest sense of measurement but with the context of relationships in our conceptual models, can provide us with unintended results, as we have attenuated our perception toward a bias that allows these interior relationships to manifest in cognition toward an sensate external manifestation, if there is something outside of our visual field that is already present in a theoretical perpetuity outside of the…

Duct Tape!

WOW! This has to be the ultimate GUY THING! On the scale of stuff you gotta have, duct tape has to rate about a three or four, just below the TV remote, the camo wallpaper and (maybe) the custom reloading press, with your own brass nameplate just below the Budweiser logo. Have you ever thought of what in the world we’d do without duct tape? (Here, I’m using the ancient literary ploy of “What if there were no…?”) Well, just think about it. How many of us guys would be stuck in the middle of nowhere, driving a car or…

Horoscopes for May 18-24, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You will find in May that you can give as good as you get when it comes to ambiguity. If anything, you have mastered the art of vagueness and uncertainty. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will take that ride on the carousel of life to grab the brass ring. Unfortunately, your horse will throw a shoe and toss you off the whirligig, ring-less still. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you will need to be careful to keep your me, me, me impulses in check. If you love something, set…

Confirmed

I’ve heard you say your fellow man, And fellow woman, too, Is “crazy as a crocodile Who’s feet are stuck in glue.” “As batty as a bedbug” or “As loony as a lark” “As zany as a zebra” or “As quirky as a quark”; “As silly as a sailor” or “As pouty as a punk” “As goofy as a gopher” or “As squirrely as a skunk.” A brand new study indicates You didn’t speak too soon: One-quarter of Americans Are loopy as a loon! Quote: “One in four exhibit signs Of clear insanity.” (Which makes me stop and wonder where They…

More on Money

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Gentlemen prefer bonds.” — Andrew Mellon “If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” — J. Paul Getty “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock this afternoon.” — Henny Youngman “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack…

Librarian’s Ghost Still Awaits Her Lover

Q: I am curious about the ghost at the Landmark Inn in Lake Superior, Michigan. Legend has it that around the time the hotel first opened in 1930 on the shores of Lake Superior, a librarian in town fell in love with a sailor. He was to make one last journey before coming home to marry her, but the ship and crew never returned. The librarian is said to still haunt the Lilac Room, which has a view of Lake Superior. She is believed to be watching for her sailor’s return. Do you think the librarian’s ghost still awaits her…

Horoscopes for May 11-17, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You might want to avoid rushing into any big financial deals. Of course, not having any money, poor credit and a shaky job may play into your decisions. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Let your creativity run wild this May and you might just make a couple of new friends along the way. Your sane friends will likely abandon you in a heartbeat. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Misplaced keys? Can’t find your glasses? No idea where your favorite shirt is hiding? It could seem things are topsy-turvy. Or, you could be…

A Deceiving Friendship

Dear Frankly, I was in a relationship that ended a month ago. The cause was her cheating, lying and deceiving me for a long time. I had no idea and it all came as a shock to me. Through all the pain I have suffered, I have really tried to be her friend and understand why she hurt me. But even now it has been me trying to keep contact with her and keep a “friendship” alive. I feel like maybe I’m doing this so that I don’t feel like I wasted over a year with her. Please help. Caring…

Wine by the Numbers

Have you ever tasted a 100 point wine? More importantly, would you care if you did? I’ve worked off and on in customer service and sales in the wine business, and the value that many customers place on scores given to wines by various critics is always a point of curiosity to me. Customers routinely ask how many points a wine scored, and there are those that refuse to buy anything that scored below a 90. Ask yourself though, what do these scores really mean? Let’s examine the world of wine reviews and give you some of the positives and…

Dominican Republic Driver’s License Written Test

As much as we complain about traffic, insane other drivers and road conditions, while vacationing in the Dominican Republic recently, I realize just how good we have it in the USA. My first impression was how terrible the drivers are there–but then I realized that it was exactly the opposite. The bad ones were all dead and the ones I was seeing were good enough to survive. There are about 30 motorcycles to every car on the island, and they all are little 100cc putt-putts or scooters. They zip in and out of traffic; the biggest vehicle has the right…

Horoscopes for May 4-10, 2014

ARIES (April 21 – April 19) A Full Moon in Scorpio this month makes life more passionate and intense, especially where your love life is concerned. Now if you can just find a willing mate. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Mercury and Venus will be in Taurus for most of the month, emphasizing friendships and loving communication. Try to keep the friends and loving separate. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, the planets transiting in some other planet will help you work hard to achieve your goals. Fortunately, your goals mostly involve barbecue and beer. CANCER (June 21…

Aggravated Robbery

CREATIVE CRIME NEWS: A man who robbed a New Zealand bank recently was so disappointed with his haul he tried again–this time by phone, Wellington police said. Authorities traced the calls and arrested a man, charging him with aggravated robbery and demanding money with menace. He got the idea from the Psychic Predictions Hot Line. PRENUPTIAL BLUES NEWS: A 38-year-old man stood in flames on a 10-foot platform in Grants Pass, Ore., July 4th before plunging into a pool. After emerging from the water unscathed, he dropped down on one knee and proposed to his girlfriend. Obviously also lacking the…

Luminous Objects in the Dominican Republic

Q: While in a private plane flying from Puerto Plata to Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic, I took pictures from the co-pilot seat of objects in our flight path about 8 miles from the nose of the aircraft. The visibility was clear at about 4500 ft. at 9:30 am. The objects are extremely luminous. The lower set of lights are twin diamonds or squares, symmetrical and unnatural. The upper set of lights are almost amorphous. Since they were not stars, planes, clouds, lightning, or natural phenomenon. What could they be? A: Let me guess, when you got closer, they…

Horoscopes for April 27-May 3, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Don’t dwell on obstacles this month. Organize a picnic or a hostile takeover. Better yet, do both. Occupy a park and dominate the neighbors, ants and squirrels. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will find yourself needing to allow some space for natural growth and evolution. You may have to add a couple of notches to your belt or switch to sweats. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Be sure not to stick ideas you come up with this month in the bottom drawer of your desk and forget them, or they’ll be…

Hurry! It’s On Sale!

Advertisers must think we’re really stupid. Have you paid any attention to what the ads on TV and radio are saying? If you’re like me, the commercial breaks go in one ear and out the other. The only way something sticks in my brain is because it’s repeated ten million times (which is why you hear the same ad played until you puke) or if there’s something unique about the way it is presented. Victoria’s Secret TV ads come to mind. I remember them–frequently. Lately in a period of vast boredom, I decided to actually LISTEN to some of the…

Giraffic Park

                                          The latest thing in eco-chic Is spotted milk and cheese, Obtained from freckled animals With high and lumpy knees. Their eyes are big and lashy and Their heads have door-knob things; Their tails sport lovely flourishes Akin to feathered wings. Their tongues are eighteen-inches long; Their manes are rusty red; They have to kneel to get a drink; They never go to bed. They’re ruminants like Holstein cows; They eat trees from the top; Their babies weigh a hundred…

Accounts of Diminutive Intelligent Beings

Q: Since Ufology’s earliest days, and going even further back in history, accounts of diminutive intelligent beings have played a crucial role in shaping our perception of the phenomenon. The sizes of these creatures range from a scant twelve inches to a not-so-small four feet in height. The European tradition’s brownies, pixies, gnomes and dwarves have their equivalents in the Mexican ikhals, chaneques and aluches. Are these physical anomalies created by aliens? What else could they be? A: Wee people have been around since the beginning of time. I don’t think being short makes you anything but short. Are tall…

Horoscopes for April 13-19, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Get out there and workout in April. Otherwise, your joints, brain, lungs and heart will start complaining. Remember to shower or everyone around will complain. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Contort yourself into whatever pretzels you comfortably can manage, and you’ll emerge suppler and more successful. You’ll also go great with brown mustard. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your innate sensitivity to what’s happening around you plays a huge role in how you navigate tricky situations. Running, ducking, hiding, lying – all innate. ARIES (April 18 – May 13) You’ll be in…

Online Lying

Dear Frankly, I need some advice. I answered an online personal ad, but lied about a few things–like my age, education, hobbies, weight, job and income level. Now I am supposed to meet this woman for a drink at a local watering hole. We will each be carrying a white rose for identification. This gal sounded so interesting and her profile and pictures looked so good, I just had to meet her. I’m afraid she is going to be disappointed and run out before she gets a chance to find the real me. Misleading Marv Dear Misleading, I’m not sure…

American Politics

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.” — Gore Vidal “I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” — Will Rogers “Americans have different ways of saying things. They say ‘elevator’, we say ‘lift’ … they say ‘President’, we say ‘stupid psychopathic…

Getting There Is Half the Fun

“Getting there is half the fun.” That’s what Dad always used to say back in the days when visiting Grandma and Grandpa was a full day trip by car. Remembering that when I’m about to embark on yet another epic journey seems to dull the dread of modern travel. A recent trip to the Dominican Republic gave new meaning to “half the fun.” Our first flight was scheduled to leave Phoenix at 10:45 PM, so we arrived at the airport our obligatory two hours before departure only to find that our flight was delayed until 12:08 AM. We passed the…

Energy Crisis

MORE OUTSOURCING NEWS: According to a high source in the U.S. Department of Justice, nearly undetectable counterfeit $100 bills are being made in North Korea, and counterfeit cigarettes and U.S. postage stamps are being made in China for import into the United States. Counterfeiters with American citizenship have filed a formal complaint. FAST FOOD BUNGLED BURGLARY NEWS: According to a report in the Ann Arbor News, a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilante, Michigan around 5 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk explained that he couldn’t open the register without a food order. When the…

The Mad Scientists

People often have the perception that the wine industry is all picturesque postcards with sophisticated people standing around pontificating on the finer points of their latest bottled masterpiece. That may be the case if you’re a well paid critic whose entire job is nothing but going from tasting room to tasting room. The typical is far less glamorous. While many people think of the art and romance of wine, there’s a great deal of science that goes into your average winery. Want to become a serious winemaker? Study your chemistry, microbiology, physics, and horticulture. I wanted to take you behind…

Horoscopes for March 30-April 5, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Early this month, your brain is extremely active and it’s making you very productive and ambitious. Don’t panic, you’ll be back to addled in no time at all. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will find yourself feeling like a surfer navigating waves of emotion. Then it happens – wipe-out! Your emotional house goes under water. File for bankruptcy. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You may sense a person in a position of authority is subtly flirting with you. Then again, you have been adding a lot of leafy greens to your diet. Toothpick? ARIES (April…

Explosions! Do Not Try This At Home!

Appreciate a good teeth rattling, chest walloping explosion? I know, you’re probably saying to yourself, “Wow, this boy has really lost it! Last week he writes about plinking and shooting teddy bears. Now he’s talking about blowing stuff up! Hide the kids!” Truth is, I come by this stuff honestly. It’s part of my heritage. My DNA is programmed to like things that go bang and boom. Let me explain. When I was a kid we visited my Grandfather’s house a lot. I’ve already told you that my Daddy was a mountain man, through and through. What you don’t know…