November 20, 2019

The Sirens and the Titans

It’s February. That means just one thing. It’s Stupor Bowl time. It wasn’t always this way. When I was a kid, the Stupor Bowl was in January. But that was before football—the American kind where they wear lots of pads, a helmet with a face mask and spend an inordinate amount of time touching one another—became a ‘big deal.” It was a time before they had sixteen teams to sort through before we knew who was playing. I don’t know if any of you were around in 1967, but I remember the first Stupor Bowl. The two teams got there…

The Bond Between a Man and His Hats

The other day my wife suggested that I discard a hat that I have owned for some time. Her exact words were, “How can you stand to put that grubby thing on your head? You have seventy-three hats, sixty-nine of which you’ve never worn. Get rid of it.” Obviously, she does not know the bond between a man and his hats. They’re actually caps, but I call them hats, because you put a cap on toothpaste, and you put a hat on your head. There’s a big difference (unless it’s a ball cap). A man needs only six hats: One…

From the Back Pew . . .

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair…

The C C ‘n R’s

Many of us live in complexes or communities that are governed by a thin layer of bureaucracy referred to as a homeowners association.  Most associations use a set of rules and regulations as a guideline for making decisions about our everyday lives. These rules are called “The C C & R’s.” According to the board of directors this stands for Covenants, Conditions & Restrictions, but I found out it really means Convoluted, Confusing & Really stupid. I will go over a few of the rules we live by and the real reasons for having them. Some of these rules may…

Animal Communication

Q:  I read an article about “animal communicators,”  a growing number of people who say they have the psychic ability to communicate telepathically with various animals. Primates, most notably Koko, a gorilla who was taught sign language and has a vocabulary of more than 600 words may serve as an example. Koko is able to articulate basic desires as what and when she wants to eat, how she “feels” about many things. Does this prove it is possible to communicate with other animals, like our pets? A: Most men don’t communicate as well as Koko about their feelings. My dog…

The Joys of Having Boys

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas… Things I’ve Learned from My Boys (honest, not  kidding): 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 lb boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman…

Horoscopes for January 27-February 2, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will try to continue passing the holiday spirit along by whistling carols. Joy will come to an abrupt stop when friends and co-workers Super Glue your lips. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will be approached by the authorities soon for assault with intent to cause internal harm after relatives report you for re-gifting those nasty old fruitcakes. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will emerge from a life-long doubt about the existence of Santa Claus this month. You still didn’t receive any gifts, but your roof is covered in reindeer poop….

Double DUI

DOUBLE DUI NEWS: Rhode Island State Police said a husband and wife both face charges of driving under the influence after they were stopped separately on the same night. A woman was stopped and detained for wreckless driving and then held after proving to be under the influence of alcohol. Her husband was arrested later for the same charge while driving to get her. POLYGAMY, ORIENTAL STYLE NEWS: Chinese authorities have arrested a legislator found to have four wives. A district official in the northern province of Shanxi said Li Junwen also had 10 children, and had been detained on…

Remember When People Used to Say…

(1) “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.00.” (2) “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one.” (3) “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.” (4) “Did you hear the post office might charge a dime to mail a letter?” (5) “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire help.” (6) “When…

Recent Adventures on the Drinking Trail

The winter season is always one of my favorite times of the year. In the booze world, it coincides with the release of all the fantastic seasonal beverages for fall and winter, particularly in the beer world. I’ve been busy as can be personally the last several months, so it’s always nice to take a moment to relax and enjoy the simple pleasure of a good meal and a tasty beverage. To start the New Year, I’m just going to recap a few of my recent enjoyable experiences in the drinking world, some seasonal, some not, that you hopefully get…

New Winter Virus Alert!

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidotes known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to…

Real Guy Quiz Time

Have you ever looked in a “girl” magazine? They’re full of these stupid quizzes like, “Does your man really love you?” Or, “How can I tell if I’m REALLY in love?” Here, at last, is a quiz that makes sense for GUYS! 1. What does your wife/girlfriend do when you remind her that it’s goose season? (A) Launder your camouflage (B) Run to her mother’s house (C) Clean your shotgun (D) A and C 2. When your truck breaks down in the woods, do you: (A) Scream to the heavens, “Lord, why me?” (B) Start walking (C) Look in the…

Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: MONEY “Laws go where dollars please.” Portugese Proverb “Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.” Spike Milligan “To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.” G. K. Chesterton “Money is like a sixth sense, and you can’t make use…

Astrology for the Weak January 20-26, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) The beginning of a new year finds your wanderlust reaching near epidemic proportions. Even a flight on Southwest cattle-call airlines sounds pretty good. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Go ahead and ask yourself the really big questions. Am I happy? Am I satisfied? Am I fulfilled? Do I feel good? Why are we all here? Then get a Happy Meal. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You’ ll be in a very lovey-dovey kind of place this month. There is almost certainly going to be a little hand holding and maybe even an…

Cold is a Relative Thing

60 above zero: Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens. 50 above zero: Arizonans shiver uncontrollably. People in Duluth sunbathe. 40 above zero: Italian and English cars won’t start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down. 32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker. 20 above zero: Arizonans don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt. 15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold. Zero: People in Yuma all die. Minnesotans…

The Bible According to Johnny

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, “Gimme a light!” and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because…

Bound to Celebrate the Holidays

The Excentric World investigative team takes a look at the holiday season celebrations around the globe. While conducting a series of interviews with some military high muck-a-muck at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, regarding prisoner participation during Christmas, this photo was captured. Terrorists and other detainees were subjected to caroling and wassailing, tree trimming, kissing under the mistletoe and taking turns portraying the baby Jesus during the prison Nativity Play. Taking the place of ox and ass were flamingo and iguana, native to naval base interrogation facility. Since the U.S. Justice Department advised that the Guantanamo Bay detention camp could be considered outside U.S. legal…

Refuting Climate Change

Excentric World staff members look at the controversy behind the scientific reports of climate change. Many who refuse to accept the data compiled by some of the foremost experts on past, present and future earthly meteorological conditions have cited the strange winter wonderland conditions around the nation’s capital to debunk climate forecasts. One example used by the naysayers was this photograph of a congressional staff member frozen in time while perusing the weather pages. Some politicos have attempted to produce climate change legislation, but have been given the cold shoulder.   Related posts: Economical Ways of Going Green Dirty Children…

New Year’s Vow

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality Last year my resolution was An altruistic stiff! My self-denial I truly thought Would save us from the cliff. I ate raw grains, tofu and leaves, Which, trust me, wasn’t fun, Believing that my sacrifice Would grow your 401! But, did I do a single thing To solve our fiscal pain? And, what was I contributing To economic economic gain? The answers are as clear as fat Upon my Christmas goose: I wasn’t adding anything!— In fact, my pants got loose! And, so, this year I do resolve From thinness to break free!—…

Calendars . . . FREE . . . and worth it!

If you are reading this, then you know, as I do, that the world did not end on December 21, 2012. Conspiracy theorists, New Age nincompoops and a cabal of defrocked priests with Internet divinity degrees have been saying for the last few years that life, as we know it, would cease to be on that auspicious date. The source of their purported knowledge was a calendar composed some 5,000 years ago and, according to scholars, distributed in hardware stores throughout the Mayan world, for free. I’m not sure if the prediction was based on the calendar itself or something…

Horoscopes for January 13-19, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You are getting back into the dating scene and seeking advice from your friends. They will tell you to just be yourself. I suggest you be someone interesting instead. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Careful what you wish for. After complaining about your paycheck, your boss may agree that your pay doesn’t match your work skills and cut your pay in half. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will come under attack by a person wrapped in roast beef. You’ll protect yourself by slathering your body with mayonnaise and waving white bread. CANCER…

Senior Household Hints

Start a compost heap with that stuff in the bottom of the vegetable bin in your refrigerator. Patch holes in walls with leftover Thanksgiving stuffing. Save belly button lint and use it for stuffing teddy bears. Grout your kitchen and bathroom tile with cake frosting. Fix-A-Dent can also be used to fill cracks in furniture. Catnip can double as an aphrodisiac. Clean family heirloom china with salt and white vinegar. Then sell the junk and take a vacation. Drive roaches away by sprinkling that cheap wine your friends bring over around the baseboards. Hair spray and a lighter can be…

Marry a Momma’s Boy?

Dear Frankly, I have been seeing a guy for 2 years. Ever since we started dating he has had another woman in his life — his mother. When she’s around, I do not exist! He uses her as his confidante and solicits her opinion about everything. I’ve expressed my discomfort with their relationship, but to no avail. There has been talk of our becoming engaged lately, but I can’t marry a man who puts his mother before me. Am I wrong to feel this way? Almost Engaged Emma Dear Engaged, My third husband was a momma’s boy. It was endearing,…

Booms Rattle a Country?

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Pictured above is a clip from the movie “Mars Attacks.” While this is clearly an animated character, it represents the big-headed aliens that are predicted to eventually launch an assault on Earth. Some people think the recent booms were sonic booms created by extraterrestrial aircraft zipping around the world. Rumors of an upcoming invasion are now reaching beyond the sets of Hollywood. While the Martians may not be little green men from outer space (there would have to be some women–unless, of course they would be coming here to take ours) they could, if they exist, still pose a serious threat…

Yes, I’m a Senior Citizen

I’m the life of the party… even if it lasts until 8 p.m. I’m very good at opening childproof caps… with a hammer. I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying. I’m very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over… I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine. I’m so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental…

Superstitions

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.” — Martin Luther “The opinion prevailed among advanced minds that it was time that belief should be replaced increasingly by knowledge; belief that did not itself rest on knowledge was superstition, and as such had to be opposed.” — Albert Einstein “Life is either a daring adventure or…

Horoscopes for January 6-12, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Dreams do come true. If you’re doubtful, trust your antennae and wait. Of course, people will tend to stare at you if you attach aluminum foil for better reception. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ ll be bitten by the travel bug in January. Unfortunately, it will be venomous and force you to stay close to home and drink yucky tasting green liquids. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You begin the New Year with more money than expected. Surprisingly, many of your Christmas gift included receipts, making them easy to return for cash….

3,000 Year Old Scribbling

HISTORIC LITERARY NEWS: Experts believe the oldest form of writing has been discovered on a tablet in Mexico. Tests show the writing to be over 3,000 years old. After months of studying the scribbling, it is believed that the tablet was carried around by a nomadic hitchhiker and the scrolled message states “America or Bust.” HUNTING NEWS: A South Dakota man was sentenced to two years of probation for chopper-chasing a herd of deer in a Nebraska national forest. Some deer feel the sentence was too light and want the man’s head mounted on a tree. NUDITY NEWS: Police went…

Money Raining Down from the Sky

Q: There are many documented instances of money raining down from the skies. During a storm in August, 1940, numerous coins fell on the Meshchera region of Russia. In 1956, pennies and halfpennies plopped down on children in Hanham, England as they were heading home from school. And in 1976, two clergymen watched as 2,000 marks worth of banknotes fluttered down from a clear sky in Limburg, West Germany. What do you think caused these occurrences? A: I haven’t a clue. However, the meager amounts lead me to believe times are tight even in the heavens.   Q: By injecting…

Texting While Driving

Excentric World staff members take a look at texting while driving in the United States. While some states have passed common sense laws prohibiting the use of hand held devices altogether, others are holding fast to their Libertarian spirit and allowing auto accident statistics to reach the level of those that are alcohol related. But hey, who’s counting?   Related posts: Dumb Driver Dilemma Accessories for the Designated Driver Safety on America’s Highways Reaction to Selective Shopping