July 20, 2019

We Don’t Serve Miners!

Prior to the discovery of gold in California, a castaway Christian congregation, led by a Mr. Brigham Young, set up shop at most of Utah’s good watering holes. Mr. Young’s followers were farmers. They did not drink, at least not in the vernacular sense of the word. However, after the 1849 discovery of gold in California, waves of fortune hunters started showing up at the Utah watering holes. These fortune hunters were miners. In the vernacular sense of the word, they were drinkers, much like Jim and I. The farmers had adopted a no-drinking policy, and since the farmers were there first, they got to…

Happy Halloween!

Well, how was your last Halloween? Did you go trick-or-treating? What!? You say you’re too old for that sort of thing? NONSENSE! Remember the saying, “You’re as old as you feel”? For some reason, last Halloween I felt about 10 or 12, so I decided to dress up, go around the neighborhood and gather me a stash of sweets. The first challenge was to come up with a costume. This had to be something unique, not just some store-bought standard thing anyone would put on. I investigated many avenues and tried many things before deciding what to wear. My first…

Horoscopes for October 28-November 3, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will search high and low, far and wide, to join the little car driving Shriners after your mate tells you you’re never gonna do it without your fez on. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This October, the Sun will be changing signs and moving out of your Fifth House of Pleasure. Anyone with five houses of pleasure is out of touch anyway. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This time of year, it’s an ideal moment for you to focus on your Inner Self. Actually, if you focused on your Outer Self it…

Dirty Children Make Healthy Adults?

Excentric World staff members take a look at why some children are more prone to diseases and infections than others. While not recommended by doctors, recent studies have shown that adults who, as children, played in creeks, ate dirt, licked their wounds and lied about washing their hands were less likely to fall ill to the common cold and were able to ward off the flu and infections. The small child pictured may look forward to a healthy adulthood, taking tolerance building to a whole new level. Licking the snout of a pig may seem gross and disgusting at first,…

Horoscopes for October 21-27, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You show your lack of finances savvy this month, when a friend suggests you invest in stocks and you stock up on chicken, beef and vegetable broths. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will decide to cash in on a new health care system. Knowing that the wheels of government turn slowly, you will busily clear land for a political leech farm. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You’ll attend a wild Halloween party where everyone wears masks, costumes or disguises. At the midnight unveiling, you will realize you had the wrong address. CANCER…

On Board Computers

I witnessed on my plasma screen A brand new toothbrush ad! An ordinary brush except for What this toothbrush had: An actual computer in The handle! “Oh what fun!” To tell the owner of the brush Just when the teeth were done! “On-board computer,” said the voice! A phrase I’ve grown to hate, But, still, my hungry rabbit-brain Snapped quickly at the bait. On-board computers in your comb? To keep your fur arranged? On-board computers in your socks? To keep your feet estranged? On-board computers in your belt? To keep away the fat? And how about in condoms? No! I’ll…

Hong Kong Ghosts Inhabiting Their Homes

Q: I read that for bargain hunters in Hong Kong’s turbocharged property market, apartments that belonged to the recently deceased are proving irresistible — and the more gruesome the occupant’s demise, the better. Popular belief in a city awash with superstition runs that the ghost of a person who dies in unnatural circumstances — a suicide, murder or bad accident — inhabits their home, passing misfortune onto the new occupants. Anything like that happening in the states? A: We don’t need suicides, murders or ghosts to reduce the value of homes in America. We have an unregulated banking system. Q:…

Horoscopes for October 14-20, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will consider taking a trip to a distant state or foreign country, perhaps one associated with a great spiritual tradition. Or, just hang out in Sedona for a week. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Feeling that your co-workers are taking unfair advantage of you will start you thinking of going into business for yourself. Now, where to set up your cubicle. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Stress and job frustration will have you thinking about breaking free, walking out the door, and getting on the first plane somewhere else. One word: Galapagos….

Campy Former Partner

Dear Frankly, I’ve been dating the woman I love for more than three years. Recently, she suggested we take a break. It’s been a couple of months now and I have only managed to reach her a few times by phone. She says I did nothing wrong, but she wants to figure things out. She also said she has been hanging out with an old friend. They have been camping and to concerts, but has only kissed him. Should I try to win her favor or let her go? Depressed Dave Dear Depressed, Let her go. I’ve found that when…

Quotes from Sports Guys

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “It’s about 90% strength and 40% technique.” — Johnny Walker “If I wasn’t talking, I wouldn’t know what to say.” — Chico Resch “We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.” — Barry Beck “The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.” — Dizzy Dean “He fakes a bluff.” — Ron Fairly “It could permanently…

Horoscopes for October 7-13, 2012

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Your karma bank account will be overdrawn. It’s time you made a deposit. If not, you may become a subject in the book, “When Your Karma Turns To Cacca.” AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You always count on “your guides” as you navigate through life. This month, you’ll discover that their compasses are busted and you are, like, totally lost. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) There are a lot of facts and figures simmering in your head, which could explain why you misplaced your keys, but not why you forgot to get…

Tell-tale Expose

BEST SELLER NEWS: A new book is expected out before elections, penned by “Alias.” The tell-tale expose on many current high profile national politicians, many up for reelection, could very well affect the outcome. Titled, “It Takes an Idiot . . . to Raze a Village,” should both enlighten and entertain America’s voters. EDUCATION NEWS: Arizona has become known as a national leader in school choice with open enrollment and providing charter schools as an alternative to the public school system. As a result, Arizona is now ahead of Mississippi in student performance. SCIENCE NEWS: There is a theory which…

An Apple a Day

I’m a history buff. I took a vacation recently to one of America’s richest history regions in Central Virginia. What struck me touring about Monticello and Montpelier (the respective homes of Thomas Jefferson and James Madison) is the day to day life that the estates would produce from the land. I found the way the homes were constructed so they could deal with everyday tasks to be fascinating, especially regarding the harvesting, storage, and preparation of foodstuffs, as both Jefferson and Madison enjoyed fine dining and entertained quite often. I had known for some time about traditional drinks of the…

Pennies From Heaven

Q: I read about a man who claims he saw pennies fall from the sky. His story is he was walking around, no buildings nearby, and first heard metallic sounds from the ground and then discovered pennies. Then he was pelted by even more pennies coming from seemingly nowhere. He mentioned that the pennies were warm. I know there is an old song called “Pennies From Heaven,” but this just sounds zany. Is there any documented case of money falling from the skies? A: I suppose. I think if I found warm pennies that fell from the sky, I would…

Maybe I Was Wrong!

The average male is five feet eight inches tall. I reached that height more than forty years ago and haven’t grown an inch since, so I think I have to resign myself to the fact that I never will get any taller. But I pretty much thought that I would never get any shorter either. Maybe I was wrong. The first ten of those forty-odd years, my waist size fluctuated between 28 and 30 inches. I could measure my own waist, but not my inseam and have never been real comfortable having someone else do it either. Therefore, by trial…

Is Time Travel Really Possible?

Q: I read where a survey of 3,000 people has revealed 30 per cent of adults across the UK believe time travel is possible and not confined to the realms of fictional films or television. And nearly half of adults (44 per cent) wrongly believe memory-erasing technology similar to that used in the film, Men in Black, and hover boards, such as those showcased in Back to the Future, exist in reality. Are people that gullible on your side of the pond? A: Heck, we’ve got people here who believe our President is an alien. Brits have some catching up…

Horoscopes for September 30-October 6, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will explain that the reason you are addicted to alcohol and sex is that you sought to cure your Restless Leg Syndrome. Oh yeah, it’s also why you wet the bed. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month finds you feeling confident and secure. The armored Hummer, mace, nunchaku, switchblade and AK-47 can’t protect you from those nasty nightmares. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will find yourself thinking about climate change. What concerns you most is what possible effect it will have on your wardrobe. Shop ’til you drop, Gemini. CANCER…

Good Things to Eat?

Oxford Companion to Cooking? My wife has expanded the cookbook collection…again! We have more cookbooks than a cooking school. The only time I get to eat is when I force myself to take a moment off from the never-ending job of building shelves for all the new cookbooks. Yesterday, in a fit of curiosity, I put down my saw and hammer and actually took a moment to look at one of the books I was building these shelves for. I was amazed. I was speechless (some will count this as a blessing). I was fascinated. I was mesmerized. All of…

Rising Gas Prices

Excentric World staff members take a look at rising gas prices. Congress recently denied a bill to take some of the tax breaks away from the rich oil companies. It makes one wish that any federal legislator, including those from the Executive Branch, be exempt from voting on any bill that would benefit Americans at the detriment of any company or product in which they have invested. In fact, in order to be elected for more than one term, every politician would have to release their holdings in all private companies, making them an ordinary citizen not influenced by corporate…

Horoscopes for September 23-29, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) The good life and all that is fine and luxurious may be what you value just now. Unfortunately, the low life and all that is cheap and tawdry is all you can afford. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will have opportunities to add your own personal touch to the work you do. Not everyone will be impressed by your chewed gum glue jobs. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) There could be some tension or sense of opposition requiring compromise or negotiation on your part. Wearing you underwear inside your pants is a…

Constellations

I love to lie upon the ground And watch the night-time sky, And pick out constellations that I make up, on the sly. The big one there with all the stars? The one that’s flaming hot? That’s Hillary’s Ambition, and The easiest to spot! There’s Michael Moore’s Agenda, and The Pope with Foot in Mouth; There’s Edwards’ Hair, Pelosi’s Glare, And, John McCain Gone South. There’s Cheney’s Ego, rising, and Obama, Raising Dough, Mitt Romney’s Chances, setting, and There’s Rumsfeld, Eating Crow. And, look! The one that grew so bright? So certain? Without doubt? George Bush’s So Called Legacy! (It…

Horoscopes for September 16-22, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will be invited to a Paint Ball tournament among a group of your coworkers. You will sadly miss the event, spending too much time rolling the paint balls. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) High spirits will be in motion as the Moon in Gemini conjuncts Mars in your sector of self-expression. Expression has more to do with high spirits than the Moon. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, the Moon in mellow Taurus sextiles your ruling planet Venus in domestic Cancer. I have no idea what this means, but some Geminis…

Party Pooping Remedy

Dear Frankly, I’m the kind of person who likes big gatherings of friends and family over the holidays. My husband of four years, who is Jewish, is an only child and never celebrated Thanksgiving and certainly had no Christmas Eve feast. He begrudgingly participates when everyone crowds the house, but disappears to the basement and the television while lively conversation takes place elsewhere. Should I just let him be or push him to join in? People Person Pam Dear People, Let him be. The holiday cheer will be over soon enough, but your husband will hopefully still be around. I…

The Latest in Senior Transportation

Excentric World staff members look at the latest in senior transportation. Embarrassed by having to wear adult diapers when traveling, the new Commodule allows seniors on the go to go whenever they have the urge. A club of former bikers and Commodule owners, Potty Pagans, has formed in Camp Verde. Related posts: Yes, I’m a Senior Citizen Senior Household Hints

Dreams

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “I’ll do my dreaming with my eyes wide open, and I’ll do my looking back with my eyes closed.” — Tony Arata “Initially I wanted to be Muhammad Ali. But then I got into a fight and I got my butt kicked, so I figured I could choose something else.” — Babyface “Dream as if you’ll live forever….

Horoscopes for September 9-15, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) If you have a partner, listen closely and respect his or her wishes. If you don’t have a partner, forget about it. Just go about your daily routine of ignoring people. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You may end up working too hard and compromising your health this month. Then again, you may be Elvis’ love child or heir to an ant farm empire. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) The energy of the planetary aspect is ripe for giving you a feeling of deep security concerning a meaningful relationship. Remember, after ripeness comes…

Financial Struggle

Excentric World staff members take a look at the continuing financial struggle Americans are facing. One clever out-of-work, member of the 99% of Americans was unable to join in any Occupy movements, but chose another way to make a statement. The owner of this mailbox set found that the only way to survive in today’s economy was to stop receiving bills, not stop trying to pay them, just stop receiving them. Perhaps it was also a totem symbol revealing the fact that mortgage bills skyrocketed and paying them was out of reach. These home owners have chosen to “Occupy” their…

Colder is Better and Other Wise Words

I once again want to tackle the myths that seem to stubbornly hang on regarding beverages. Call them what you will, but most are nothing more than rumor, second-hand innuendo, and wives’ tales that somehow get accepted as fact by the uneducated masses. Just because some bartender at your favorite club swears it’s true because it happened to his friend, doesn’t make it so. So strap in and learn a little something about what actually goes on in your glass so you don’t make the beverage mistakes that do result in a lousy tasting product. The issue at hand that…

Brown Bread Conundrum

I was having breakfast with friends, and one of them asked the waiter for wheat toast. His response was, “The only choice we have is white or brown, and I don’t know what the brown is.” There was an awkward silence as everybody waited for my friend’s answer. She was clearly confused. Her cheeks flushed as she imagined every eye in the restaurant was on her, every patron wondering what was taking her so long. She searched the faces of her friends at the table for any simple sign of support, but found none. She sat naked and alone. “White,”…

New Disease Causes Pigs to Run Rampant in UK

Q: I was reading predictions by alleged psychics when I came across this one: A new disease causes pigs to run rampant in the UK, not unlike mad cow, but more violent. At first I laughed, but then realized that if angry cattle could upset the United States, what would rampant pigs do to the United Kingdom? It isn’t enough we must worry about terrorists, now we have to be on the lookout for deranged swine. Some attribute this to our eating habits, but it has nothing to do with haggis, neeps and tatties. A: I think mad cows were…