September 19, 2019

The Ghost of a Passed Girlfriend

Q: My wife woke up early one night to find me asleep on my back and the ghost of a woman lying next to me, on my right arm and with her head resting on my chest, watching her with with a blank face. My wife tried waking me up again, and when I did the woman was gone, but I did have a strange feeling in my right arm. I tried to be brave and told her it must’ve been a dream, but in reality I couldn’t. I was frightened. Could this have been a passed girlfriend from my…

Horoscopes for December 23-29

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Take deep, controlled breaths if you are stuck trying to explain something kind of simple to someone who is also kind of simple–like the facts of life to your spouse. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Stars forecast that your subconscious is working overtime this month. Pay close attention to the signals it is sending, especially when it comes to hair removal. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You need to evaluate your goals and put together a list of your top priorities. With holiday season upon us, sorting your sock and underwear drawer…

Letter to Santa!

Dear Santa, Hi. How are you? I am fine. My name is Buck. How often do you visit Kentucky? At least once a year, I guess. That’s a good thing, because Kentucky has lots of kids like me who can’t wait for your visit at Christmas. I am writing to you to ask for Christmas presents for my family. They need a lot of things, so I hope you have a lot of room in your sleigh. Please bring my Daddy a new shotgun. He says that his old one just doesn’t shoot straight any more. He thinks that’s because…

The True Meaning of Love

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” – Rebecca, age 8 “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” – Billy,  age 4 “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” – Chrissy,  age 6 “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” –…

Suspicious & Discombobulated

Dear Frankly, I joined a religious match online dating service to find someone who shares my values and build a future with. If you thought it was tough meeting people in bars, try being a person who doesn’t go to bars. I found a great guy and we had been dating each other only for a couple of months when a friend told me she saw his name still on the dating site. When approached, he said it was their error. Can I trust him? Suspicious Sarah Dear Suspicious, I found three of my husbands in bars. Or should I…

The Acting Jerk

“Just be yourself,” my woman cried, “Stop acting like a jerk!” She threw her dishes in the sink, And strutted off to work. I put a load of laundry in, And swept the kitchen floor; I gathered up my thoughts, and then Addressed them to the door: “My dear, it seems to me you’ve missed The essence of the plot: There is no question whether I’m An acting jerk, or not; “My jerkness is as close to me As skin is to a grape, As stripes to watermelon, or As Scotch is to its tape; “I’m ugly, short, and stupid,…

Please Do Burn The Wine . . .

One of my favorite things when the weather gets colder is bundling up and enjoying a warming beverage. I like dark winter beers, or a shot of tawny port. I’ll even break out the occasional mug of hot chocolate on a cold night. One beverage I don’t drink often, but goes well during the holiday months and cold nights, is brandy. So, let’s delve into wine distillates and introduce you to Cognac, Armagnac, and plain old American brandywine. Brandy comes from the Dutch word brandewijn, which translates as burnt wine. Traditionally it’s the distilled spirit of grape wine, but any…

JFK’s Ghost & More . . .

Q:  I read an article that claims humans have reached their analytical peak and won’t get any smarter. I look around me and have concluded that indeed people seem to be getting dumb and dumber. It’s like they have reverted back to time when humans were consumed with basic desires like food and drink and lusted for spending their free time betting on gladiator battles. Could it be humans are doomed to a future of grunt work followed by weekend warrior banality? A: Wow–most of what you said went way over my head. Q: The definition of UFO is Unidentified…

Unicorn Find Is Debunked

Pictured above is an artist’s rendition of a unicorn, the most important imaginary animal of the Middle Ages and Renaissance, when it was commonly described as an extremely wild woodland creature, a symbol of purity and grace, which could only be captured by a virgin. Until the 19th century, belief in unicorns was widespread among historians, alchemists, writers, poets, naturalists, physicians, and theologians. Since then, unicorns tend to exist only in the minds of children and those labeled “out there.” by Blodwyn Smythe, Excentric World’s Ace Reporter THE WORLD: News is that a group of archaeologists in Pyongyang, North Korea…

New Workout Plan

I have found this to be a wonderful work out plan for those of us over 45. This is for older people. Younger people try it at your own risk. This is working well for me. For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen. Three days a week works well. Begin by standing straight, with a 5-lb potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can–try to reach…

Not In Our Super Department Store

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists Mr. Fenton go with her to their Super Department Store. He gets bored with shopping and prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here’s a letter sent to her from the store’s manager. Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment and listed them below: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of…

Deck the Decking with Beer Can Bottoms

Excentric World takes a big picture look at the joy of celebrating the holidays with elaborate decorations as seen from the eye of a beer lover. Everywhere, Christmas is a special time–a remembrance of the nativity and the reason behind the giving of gifts, a gathering of family, friends and neighbors wishing each other good tidings. This is a time for wassailing and spiked eggnog. But, for the children, it is a time for sugar plum fairies dancing in their heads in anticipation of the big night when Santa arrives with the special gifts they have written about. These gifts are…

Horoscopes for December 16-22, 2012

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You’re an activator, an instigator, maybe even an agitator trying to convince a certain someone that your way’s the best way. Unfortunately, they’re not buying it. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You’re hoping to celebrate as you work to expand your mind. Sadly, your waistline is expanding at a more rapid rate, holding your mind hostage on the couch. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your hopes and desires come into play this December — and the stars favor a risk. Stand under the mistletoe at work until someone comes along who will…

Christmas Conspiracy

The scheme forged by Obama and Monsanto, months ago, Was carpet bombing cities with A chemical, aglow, To wash away all prudence so We’d spend like drunken thieves And lift up the economy So everyone believes That old Saint Nick is flush with cash And Christmas woes are gone, Our common sense all modified Like grasses in our lawn, So all of our resistance to The lure of Yuletide shelves Would disappear like magic and We’d spend like eggnogged elves And celebrate Black Friday as Though prudence never lurked (Forgetting that election day Was solid proof it worked)! Related posts:…

An American Driver in Canada

I’m a good enough driver when I’m in familiar surroundings, but I’ll freely admit that I always seem to be in the wrong lane or fifty feet past my exit when driving in a strange city. If I’m driving a strange car, it just adds to the excitement. During one of our vacations, we flew to Seattle, rented a car, drove to Vancouver (that’s in Canada), and caught a ship for Alaska (that’s back in the United States). A trip of that length is fraught with hazards. The first thing I learned is that rental car companies try to trick…

On the Refrigerator Door

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am…

Shameless Brother

Dear Frankly, My mother lives on Social Security and has very little savings left since Dad died last year. I manage her affairs, and encourage her to save for emergencies. The problem is my 38-year-old brother. He can’t keep a job and is burning through the little bit of savings she has. It has reached the point that Mom is now hiding food in her own house so she’ll have something to eat. Any advice on how to deal with my brother? Bothered Brother Dear Bothered, Are you aware of interventions? I suggest you have a family gathering, perhaps a…

Big Bird Protests

The Excentric World Really Big Story staff take a close look at the most recent protest to flare up at a university in the United States. On the heels of the election and the debates, characters from Sesame Street hit the streets to alert Congress that they won’t stand around like puppets on a string while federal funding is slashed so millionaires can keep more of their ill-gotten booty. Statistics show that children who watch Public Television grow up displaying a higher aptitude than those who are confined to sugar coated cereal sponsored cartoons–unless the cartoons were from the varietal works…

Gossip

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “None are so fond of secrets as those who do not mean to keep them.” — Charles Caleb Colton “Even doubtful accusations leave a stain behind them.” — Thomas Fuller “Gossip is always a personal confession either of malice or imbecility.” — Josiah Gilbert Holland “What people say behind your back is your standing in the community.” —…

Trailer Haunted by Ghosts from a Nearby Graveyard

Q: I read that while shooting his latest film ‘Dog Fight’ in New Orleans, Will Ferrell reported hearing sounds in his trailer. After security cleared the trailer, Ferrell returned only to hear noises coming from the bathroom. Eerie, rattling noises forced the actor the declare the trailer was haunted by ghosts from a nearby graveyard. He returned to the set after producers brought in a new trailer. Why do you think ghosts would taunt Will Ferrell? A: My guess is that the ghosts may have been film critics that had seen some of his movies.   Q: In a recent…

Horoscopes for December 9-15, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, melodramatic complications can come from people close to you. It would be best to keep your distance, or wear one of those surgical mask thingies. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You may feel as though it is impossible to combine your desires with what is good for you. You know – if it’s fattening, looks good or feels good, you can’t have it. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You decked your halls, sang carols door-to-door, gave away cookies to friends and co-workers. All that’s left is to smile when you unwrap…

Why You Should Vote . . .

OUT OF CLOSET INTO JAIL NEWS: Uganda’s parliamentary speaker said she wanted to pass as a “Christmas gift” for Ugandans an anti-gay law, which rights groups have criticized for its draconian penalties against homosexuals. The bill had initially proposed the death penalty for gays in the conservative east African country but still presents an array of jail terms for convicted homosexuals, including life imprisonment in certain circumstances. With 60% of Ugandans being Catholic, everyone is nervous. SUPREME VOTING RIGHTS NEWS: The world’s greatest democracy was laden with long lines, misinformation and voter suppression during the 2012 elections. It proved to…

More Thoughts To Ponder–Or Not!

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at…

The Sunday Paper

Ahhhh, Sunday. The day of rest. The day of relaxation. The day of exhaustion. From the newspaper. Let’s hear it for the Sunday paper. An institution that’s as American as apple pie and baseball. Sunday just wouldn’t be Sunday without a hearty breakfast and the Sunday paper. It offers stimulation for the mind, delight for the eyes, tantalizing recipes for the home cook and aerobic exercise for the lucky family member whose job it is to go out to the street to retrieve it. In our house that’s me. All efforts to get my wife or my cat, Buckshot, to…

Laws of the Universe

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: Dial a wrong number; you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If…

Long Live Snail Mail

If you receive an email on your computer entitled “Bedtimes” then delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It re-programs your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank….

The Beer That Conquered the World

What image comes to your mind when I say beer? Is it the dark, inky, black body and creamy white head of Guinness? Is it the cloudy, opaque appearance and creamsicle hue of a hefeweizen? Most likely it’s a beer with a light straw color and bright clarity similar to a Pilsner, as roughly 9 out of every 10 beers brewed and consumed in the world is an imitation of this Czech standard. How did this beer come into being and make its way around the globe to be imitated by brewers worldwide? Let’s go to the town of Plzen and…

Which Witch Will Twitch?

An Excentric World undercover reporter was recently dispatched to infiltrate the committee responsible for privatization of National Parks. To maintain his cover, photos had to be taken at night. Most park facilities include a visitors center, classrooms, theaters, gift shops, picnic tables, developed trails, restrooms and group areas with ramadas and facilities, some used for weddings. When revenue data was plugged in from the parks that included concessions, the computer hard drive fried. Danger, Will Robinson. by Blodwyn Smythe, Sedona’s Virtual Reporter SEDONA, AZ: Not too long ago, the Romanian government passed a witch tax. The tax levies a duty…

The Issue of Sending Holiday Cards

The issue of sending holiday cards has always presented a dilemma. Each year you have to decide whether or not to send a card to so-and-so because the cards have become more expensive, postage rates have gone up, and the list of potential recipients has grown exponentially. No matter how many cards (or letters) you send, you always forget somebody or you receive a card from someone you took off your list. It never fails, as you are walking back from the mailbox looking at return addresses, that you realize, “I never sent them a card.” And have you noticed…

Horoscopes for December 2-8, 2012

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You’re an activator, an instigator, maybe even an agitator trying to convince a certain someone that your way’s the best way. Unfortunately, they’re not buying it. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You’re hoping to celebrate as you work to expand your mind. Sadly, your waistline is expanding at a more rapid rate, holding your mind hostage on the couch. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your hopes and desires come into play this December — and the stars favor a risk. Stand under the mistletoe at work until someone comes along who will…