March 29, 2024

Countersuit

TAKEN TO THE CLEANERS NEWS: Roy L. Pearson Jr. wanted to dress sharply for his new job as an administrative law judge in Washington, D.C. So when his neighborhood dry cleaner misplaced a pair of expensive pants he had planned to wear his first week on the bench, Judge Pearson sued the owners for 67.3 million dollars. Fortunately, he lost. Let’s hope he loses his shirt in a countersuit. DRUGS & KIDS NEWS: Investigators in Gulfport, Florida arrested a 14-year-old boy who apparently dialed a really, really wrong number. Authorities said the boy offered to sell drugs to the person…

Horoscopes for March 3-9, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You won’t be able to shake the phrase “Don’t put that in your moth, you don’t know where it’s been.” You will be diagnosed with a new, rare form of anorexia. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You won’t be able to sleep, fearing the Ides of March. Because of your insomnia, you’ll screw up at work and lose your job, oh, right around the 15th or so. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will meet a person this month that gives you a strong feeling of deja vu. It will turn out that…

Strange Aircraft in Texas

Q: I read an article about booms heard around the country in December. Now there is a claim that a disc-shaped object landed in a remote area of La Salle County in Texas the first week of January. I wonder what the possibilities are that some strange aircraft from parts unknown buzzed the country and landed near this oil rich area of Texas, maybe to refuel or something. Could it be we finally have proof of visitors or that our aerospace engineers have figured our supersonic travel? A: Wow, you must have read last month’s Excentric. I just hope whoever…

Lesser Known March Holidays

March 20th is Festival of Alien Abductions Day. March 1 . . . National Pig Day & Peanut Butter Lover’s Day March 2 . . . Old Stuff Day March 3 . . . I Want You To Be Happy Day, Peach Blossom Day and National Anthem Day March 4 . . . Holy Experiment Day March 5 . . . Multiple Personalities Day March 6 . . . National Frozen Food Day March 7 . . . National Crown Roast Of Pork Day March 8 . . . Be Nasty Day March 9 . . . Panic Day March…

Joy of Parenting 2

This is a continuation of the joy of parenting. While a parent can’t watch over their children 100% of the  time, certain precautions can help prevent accidents in and around the house. At first glance, this infant appears to be far too young and small to open a refrigerator door, reach up to the egg holder and take out a carton containing what appears to be a dozen raw chicken embryos. One can only assume the caretaker of this adorable child recently returned from grocery shopping, retrieving a dozen eggs that were left within the tiny person’s reach. Perhaps a quick trip…

The Concept of Antiques

The concept of antiques has always puzzled me. I don’t give a hoot about the old junk itself, but the concept is intriguing. The same old furniture we couldn’t wait to get rid of thirty years ago is now valuable simply because we never reached the point of desperation where we needed to burn it for heat. Other pieces survived only because chrome-plated tubular steel, Formica, and beanbags don’t burn very well. The guy who came up with the antique idea has to be one of the greatest salesmen of all time. I think it had to be a guy…

Humorous Crop Formation Discovered

Q: I recently read about a humorous crop formation discovered in a corn field near Wiltshire, UK depicting an alien smoking a pipe. When intricate crop circles first started appearing in the 1980s, I was utterly amazed and mystified, but not convinced they were created by extraterrestrials, as some believe. But I was puzzled by how the sometimes amazingly complex (and huge) formations could have been made by people. Do you believe these are man made or from outer space visitors? A: I’m not sure. The smoking gun may be the smoking alien circle.   Q: I heard that Serbian police…

Horoscopes for February 24-March 1, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, you’ll discover you may be too structured and rigid to let go and find pleasure in romance. Try some good Tequila, chocolate and a Barry White CD. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You may experience tension with family members, particularly a parent. In hind sight, perhaps moving back home at age 40 wasn’t such a good idea after all. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) In February, you can expect to feel confidence, optimism, and an increase in energy and vitality. It’s okay, it will all go away soon and life…

Mom to Visit

Dear Frankly, My mother wants to come visit us here at the ranch. She is a divorcee  and  in  between  husbands. She is a smoker and has always been a hard  drinking woman.  Our relationship has been rocky since I was a child. I married a minister and together we are pastors at a small, country church. We have five young children of our own and we are raising them quite a bit more sheltered than I was raised. I am leery about her visit. How do I deal with my mother’s lifestyle? Scared Sarah Dear Scared, It seems you turned out quite well,  according  to  your  standards. It’s funny, many boozing, smokers’ kids end up the…

The Spanish Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. “House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.” “Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.” A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the Feminine gender (“la computadora”), because: 1. No one…

The Joy of Parenting

The Sedona Excentric World investigative team takes a look at joy of parenting. Now, more than ever, parents and grandparents are holding their children a little tighter, seeing them in a different light and  perhaps being more forgiving and understanding than in times past. Children, on the other hand, will continue to be children. It’s not their fault; they are, after all,  children. This young lass found her way to a bowl of loose chocolate, perhaps pudding. From the looks of things, it wasn’t that good. While she obviously sampled it, she chose to use the bulk of it for interior decorating and personal adornment.  Knowing that a child will find myriad uses for pudding, it is left…

The Cutting Edge

What does it mean to be on the “cutting edge?” We hear of XYZ Computer Company being on the “cutting edge” of technology. Any high tech company worth its salt claims to be on the “cutting edge” of communication or medical treatment or fashion or pasta production or whatever. BUT the cutting edge is a risky place to be. Think about the implications. You have to keep moving to be effective. You’re doing things nobody has done before so you have no idea what you’re going to run into. Chances are, when you do run into something, it will nick…

It’s a Matter of Waste

Pictured above is a landfill–the place where unwanted waste is disposed of. Huge mounds of waste are dumped into behemoth holes in the earth dug specifically to hold everything discarded by humans. While much of what people toss into heaps is recyclable, people choose to bag it and drop it in their garbage cans along with a large amount of compostable waste, purely for convenience. Only around 25% of recyclable materials currently make it to recycle centers due to human laziness. Now, some haulers are trying to capitalize of people’s lack of knowledge and dump their recyclables in one container…

Popcorn Drip

I went to see a movie at A Phoenix metroplex And found I am a dinosaur!— A “Cinesaurus  rex!” The first thing was the squishy seats!— Recliners with foot rests!— With infinite positions to Anesthetize the guests! The next thing was the menu with Martinis and Chablis, Roast suckling pig and quiche Lorraine And oven roasted brie! And, finally, the table that Swung underneath my chin! I wondered,  “Is this hospice with A movie screen and gin?” The waitress came to welcome me Installing the IV! “It’s liquid popcorn, sir,” she said. “With Medicare, it’s free!” http://www.excentricworld.com/wp-content/uploads/audio/popcorndrip.mp3map :: {skin:’gray’, animate:true,…

Horoscopes for February 17-23, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) What used to seem like an outrageous idea to you will start to seem rather reasonable this month. Wearing stripes with plaid is your new fashion statement. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You’re one cuddly bundle of very cute energy this month. It’s Valentine’s month. Just remember to wait for the appropriate time to unleash that energy, cutie pie. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You should share your open-mindedness and new point of view with someone who thinks the way you think. Be patient, it’s slim pickin’s for those types. ARIES (April 18 –…

MORE Murphy’s Other Laws

1. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. 2. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. 3. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? 4. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population. 5. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 6. The things that come to those that wait may be the things…

Wal-Mart Greeters Deserve Respect…

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.” “Yes, I know boss, and I am working on…

Love for Valentines

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Never sign a valentine with your own name.” — Charles Dickens “‘The whole world loves a lover’ is an interesting theory, but a very bad legal defense.” — Keith Sullivan “Platonic love is like an inactive volcano.” — Andre Pevost “I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate–but looking for her is much more difficult…

Not Quite 12 Inches

INCH OFF NEWS: Subway restaurants lit up the social network after a teenager measured his “footlong” sandwich and found it an inch short. Photos of measured sandwiches attracted hundreds of thousands of comments when posted on Subway’s Facebook fan page. Subway reps said “Subway Footlong” was a registered trademark “as a descriptive name for the sub sold in Subway restaurants and not intended to be a measurement of length.” The original claim of 12 inches most likely came from a man. BANG, BANG NEWS: Guns and shell casings seized by Newark, NJ Police are being melted into bracelets. A portion of proceeds from each sale goes to…

Dumb Driver Dilemma

I witnessed something disturbing while driving the other day. I saw a person driving the same make, model, year–even the same color–vehicle as mine. The disturbing part was that the other driver executed what I consider to be a particularly stupid driving maneuver. I won’t say what it was, in case that maneuver is a part of your normal driving repertoire, and it’s not important anyway. The important part is: how could a person who is so obviously intelligent when it comes to the selection of a motor vehicle be so patently stupid in its operation? What if one of my friends saw  this other driver and thought it was me? Or what if he caused an accident, and I was arrested? Or the…

Blind and In the Dark

I’ve seen a few stories recently about trendy gimmicks in the dining world. My favorites are the restaurants that serve dinner in the dark or make patrons wear blindfolds as part of the meal. While I don’t advocate eating with the lights off, as it’s a recipe for spilling and slopping all over yourself, it does emphasize a key concept in the world of sensory perception. People in general are extremely visually dominant when it comes to the five senses. After sight comes hearing. That leaves the senses of  smell, taste and touch lagging behind. The average person is quite often pressed to describe the world…

Horoscopes for February 10-16, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) A Valentine’s Full Moon in Leo shines on the Fifth House of romance and heats up the retrograde Mars. The Fourth House will freak and all Hell breaks loose. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) A Saturn challenge to Pluto could really mess things up in February. It will be up to you to secure a Donkey Kong victory for Pluto, even if it no longer is a planet. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Emphasis shifts from your Eighth House to your Ninth this week. You should feel lighter and happier. Evidently, there’s less…

Lesser Known February Holidays

February 28th is Public Sleeping Day. February 1 is . . . . . Serpent Day February 2 is . . . . . Purification Day February 3 is . . . . . Cordova Ice Worm Day February 4 is . . . . . Create A Vacuum Day February 5 is . . . . . Disaster Day February 6 is . . . . . Lame Duck Day February 7 is . . . . . Charles Dickens Day February 8 is . . . . . Kite Flying Day February 9 is . . . ….

Signs of Things to Come

Our Excentric World staff members take a look at the signs of things to come. Taking the lead from politicians who  refuse to compromise their ideological  blueprint stamped into their psyche from their limited education and experience, this doggie decided the best way to deal with the restrictions of regulations was to remove the obstacle preventing the sharing of opinions with colleagues.   Related posts: An Editorial from Excentric World The C C ‘n R’s

Can I Trust My Husband?

Dear Frankly, I’ve been married for two years to a man I dated for five years. He recently quit his job and decided to buy and sell investment property. He has asked me to hand over my inherited savings and my daughter’s education fund for his speculations so he can “make some serious money.” He’s never helped with the bills, and apparently doesn’t intend to. He drives a car I bought him and lives in my house. He doesn’t even take out the garbage! Can I trust him? Doubting Doris Dear Doubting, I can’t believe you didn’t figure out what…

Strange Combinations

Some things just go together naturally–like peanut butter and jelly, Abbot and Costello, wine and cheese, and movies and popcorn. Lately I’ve become aware of a number of things that you wouldn’t expect to find paired up. I thought you’d enjoy hearing about some of them. Several years ago at the “Skippy Research Institute,” scientists crossed an elephant with peanut butter. This union produced two types of offspring. One was peanut butter with a long memory. The other was an elephant that stuck to the roof of your mouth. Cotton is combined with many other fibers to produce fabrics that…

An Editorial from Excentric World

For more than 24 years, this paper has never used its position in the community to pontificate on any serious topic except to satirize it or hide it within the satire. Today, I make an exception due to the anger pervading in our country over the slaughter of innocents versus the individual rights defined in the 1st and 2nd Amendments to the Constitution of the United States. The initiative to draft papers representing a Union began when the Federal Convention convened in the State House (Independence Hall) in Philadelphia on May 14, 1787 to revise the Articles of Confederation. By June, it was clear…

Great Inventions!

by Joseph G. Evrard Staff Kentuckian Any discussion of great inventions will probably include things like the automobile, the airplane, the transistor and the bikini. All of these inventions were possible because of the work of previous inventors. Without the invention of rubber, it would have been impossible to make tires, so in order to invent the automobile, somebody had to first invent rubber. In like manner, the invention of the transistor depended on the earlier invention of the silicon chip upon which the transistor is manufactured. Similarly, the success of the bikini depended upon silicon (in the form of…

The Life of People Stricken with Capgras’ Syndrome

Q: Imagine, if you will, that one by one your friends and family (the people closest to you) are being removed and replaced with exact duplicates. Although they are identical in appearance and manner, you are certain that these people are not your loved ones. While most people would become deeply paranoid in such a scenario, there are some individuals who experience such things every day without fear… and just wonder, why? Such is the life of people stricken with Capgras’ Syndrome. Are you faliliar with this? A: Of course. But then, how do I know you are who you…

Horoscopes for February 3-9, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month you’ll express your love for a musical instrument. Unfortunately, for friends and neighbors, your choice of instrument is the Diatonic button accordion. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will be pleasantly surprised when you buy a Babushka doll at a garage sale, and later discover another doll inside, and another and another and another. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will suffer a fit of extreme paranoia in the dentist’s chair after realizing you wore different colored socks. Your dentist is laughing at you under that mask. CANCER (June 21 –…