Kissing
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: KISSING “A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.” Ingrid Bergman “Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.” Albert Einstein “Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.”…
Lesser Known January Holidays
January 1 is First Foot Day and Z Day January 2 is Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day January 3 is Festival of Sleep Day January 4 is Trivia Day and Humiliation Day January 5 is Bird Day January 6 is Bean Day January 7 is Old Rock Day January 8 is National Joy Germ Day and Man Watcher’s Day January 9 is Play God Day January 10 is Peculiar People Day January 11 is National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day January 12 is Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day January…
Happy New Year!
Remember this time 13 years ago? Everybody was worried about being Y2K compliant and waiting with bated breath to see if airplanes would fall out of the sky at the stroke of midnight. Survivalists were holed up in their secret mountain fortresses guarding tons of freeze-dried food, alert and waiting to defend their strongholds against marauding hordes of city dwellers desperate for food and drink. Fly-by-night shysters were counting the mountains of money they made from the sale of emergency generators. Everyone was concerned. Everyone, that is, except our dogs and cats. They knew nothing about Y2K. When nothing happened,…
Horoscopes for December 30, 2012-January 5, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will develop a craving for fish and peas this month. Knowing that those are favorites of Santa’s elves makes one pause to wonder if you make toys for a living. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will peek at the gifts under the tree looking for that special gift from Santa. You’ll switch some of the tags and end up with your mom’s underwear, again. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be asked to come up with your special Sedona name now that you have lived there for a year. “Works…
The 12 Sure Cures With Vodka . . .
To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew. To clean eyeglasses, wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade…
Getting in Better Shape
The Excentric World staff looks at the number one New Year’s Resolution: getting in better shape. Fitness centers are cropping up in every city to keep up with the desire to bulk up and slim down. Fueling even more interest in Americans maintaining a healthy weight and body mass is the threat by health insurance companies to punish the obese, or reward the thin, depending on your mirror’s point of view. With the glut of high calorie foods that are associated with the holiday season and the sedentary lifestyle brought on by colder weather, Americans tend to gain more weight from…
Regifting Unwanted Goodies
Coming in this January’s issue, our staff members take a look at the art of regifting. Many people rush to tear open their neatly wrapped gifts from under the Christmas tree on the morning after Santa’s slide down the chimney or slithering under an unlocked window, only to be disappointed by a strange gift. The thought of exchanging the gift or giving it to someone else immediately comes to mind, with a “Thanks, Grandma.” Related posts: Why You Should Vote . . . Horoscopes for December 30, 2012-January 5, 2013 Refuting Climate Change
Reaction to Selective Shopping
Excentric World staff members look at the reaction to selective shopping over the holiday season. Children across the United States woke up Christmas Day to far fewer presents than they had received in the past. Gone are the days of rampant holiday spending to fill a room with gifts, wrapped in brightly colored paper with exquisite bows and ribbons. Christmas was marked by rooms with scant packages rolled up in tissues paper, sans the cellophane, identified with markers instead of name tags. While some retailers suffered once again this holiday season, alcohol sales were being tallied at record numbers. Cheers!…
Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever!
Excentric World continues its long-running tradition of publishing the recipe for Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever in its original form. It was first printed in 1991. Each year, it is rewritten in near its original form. Here’s what you’ll need: 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 stick butter 1 cup sugar 2 large eggs 1/4 cup brown sugar 1 cup dried fruit 1/4 cup chopped nuts 1 tsp. baking powder 1 tsp. baking soda 1 tsp. lemon juice Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring spoons and cup,…
Amazing Marketing Types?
I am amazed at how some marketing types will attempt to make us think a particular attribute of a product is desirable. For example: A certain brand of cereal stays crispy until you have eaten the entire contents of the bowl. I, of course, have some questions: Is there a time limit on how long you can take to empty the bowl, or does it stay crispy forever? If it stays crispy until after you have consumed it, how do we know it EVER gets soft? As I eat my soggy corn flakes, or whatever, I take comfort in the fact…
Horoscopes for December 23-29
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Take deep, controlled breaths if you are stuck trying to explain something kind of simple to someone who is also kind of simple–like the facts of life to your spouse. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Stars forecast that your subconscious is working overtime this month. Pay close attention to the signals it is sending, especially when it comes to hair removal. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You need to evaluate your goals and put together a list of your top priorities. With holiday season upon us, sorting your sock and underwear drawer…
The Ghost of a Passed Girlfriend
Q: My wife woke up early one night to find me asleep on my back and the ghost of a woman lying next to me, on my right arm and with her head resting on my chest, watching her with with a blank face. My wife tried waking me up again, and when I did the woman was gone, but I did have a strange feeling in my right arm. I tried to be brave and told her it must’ve been a dream, but in reality I couldn’t. I was frightened. Could this have been a passed girlfriend from my…
The True Meaning of Love
“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” – Rebecca, age 8 “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” – Billy, age 4 “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” – Chrissy, age 6 “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” –…
Letter to Santa!
Dear Santa, Hi. How are you? I am fine. My name is Buck. How often do you visit Kentucky? At least once a year, I guess. That’s a good thing, because Kentucky has lots of kids like me who can’t wait for your visit at Christmas. I am writing to you to ask for Christmas presents for my family. They need a lot of things, so I hope you have a lot of room in your sleigh. Please bring my Daddy a new shotgun. He says that his old one just doesn’t shoot straight any more. He thinks that’s because…
Suspicious & Discombobulated
Dear Frankly, I joined a religious match online dating service to find someone who shares my values and build a future with. If you thought it was tough meeting people in bars, try being a person who doesn’t go to bars. I found a great guy and we had been dating each other only for a couple of months when a friend told me she saw his name still on the dating site. When approached, he said it was their error. Can I trust him? Suspicious Sarah Dear Suspicious, I found three of my husbands in bars. Or should I…
The Acting Jerk
“Just be yourself,” my woman cried, “Stop acting like a jerk!” She threw her dishes in the sink, And strutted off to work. I put a load of laundry in, And swept the kitchen floor; I gathered up my thoughts, and then Addressed them to the door: “My dear, it seems to me you’ve missed The essence of the plot: There is no question whether I’m An acting jerk, or not; “My jerkness is as close to me As skin is to a grape, As stripes to watermelon, or As Scotch is to its tape; “I’m ugly, short, and stupid,…
Please Do Burn The Wine . . .
One of my favorite things when the weather gets colder is bundling up and enjoying a warming beverage. I like dark winter beers, or a shot of tawny port. I’ll even break out the occasional mug of hot chocolate on a cold night. One beverage I don’t drink often, but goes well during the holiday months and cold nights, is brandy. So, let’s delve into wine distillates and introduce you to Cognac, Armagnac, and plain old American brandywine. Brandy comes from the Dutch word brandewijn, which translates as burnt wine. Traditionally it’s the distilled spirit of grape wine, but any…
JFK’s Ghost & More . . .
Q: I read an article that claims humans have reached their analytical peak and won’t get any smarter. I look around me and have concluded that indeed people seem to be getting dumb and dumber. It’s like they have reverted back to time when humans were consumed with basic desires like food and drink and lusted for spending their free time betting on gladiator battles. Could it be humans are doomed to a future of grunt work followed by weekend warrior banality? A: Wow–most of what you said went way over my head. Q: The definition of UFO is Unidentified…
Unicorn Find Is Debunked
Pictured above is an artist’s rendition of a unicorn, the most important imaginary animal of the Middle Ages and Renaissance, when it was commonly described as an extremely wild woodland creature, a symbol of purity and grace, which could only be captured by a virgin. Until the 19th century, belief in unicorns was widespread among historians, alchemists, writers, poets, naturalists, physicians, and theologians. Since then, unicorns tend to exist only in the minds of children and those labeled “out there.” by Blodwyn Smythe, Excentric World’s Ace Reporter THE WORLD: News is that a group of archaeologists in Pyongyang, North Korea…
New Workout Plan
I have found this to be a wonderful work out plan for those of us over 45. This is for older people. Younger people try it at your own risk. This is working well for me. For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen. Three days a week works well. Begin by standing straight, with a 5-lb potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can–try to reach…
Deck the Decking with Beer Can Bottoms
Excentric World takes a big picture look at the joy of celebrating the holidays with elaborate decorations as seen from the eye of a beer lover. Everywhere, Christmas is a special time–a remembrance of the nativity and the reason behind the giving of gifts, a gathering of family, friends and neighbors wishing each other good tidings. This is a time for wassailing and spiked eggnog. But, for the children, it is a time for sugar plum fairies dancing in their heads in anticipation of the big night when Santa arrives with the special gifts they have written about. These gifts are…
Not In Our Super Department Store
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists Mr. Fenton go with her to their Super Department Store. He gets bored with shopping and prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here’s a letter sent to her from the store’s manager. Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment and listed them below: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of…
Christmas Conspiracy
The scheme forged by Obama and Monsanto, months ago, Was carpet bombing cities with A chemical, aglow, To wash away all prudence so We’d spend like drunken thieves And lift up the economy So everyone believes That old Saint Nick is flush with cash And Christmas woes are gone, Our common sense all modified Like grasses in our lawn, So all of our resistance to The lure of Yuletide shelves Would disappear like magic and We’d spend like eggnogged elves And celebrate Black Friday as Though prudence never lurked (Forgetting that election day Was solid proof it worked)! Related posts:…
Horoscopes for December 16-22, 2012
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You’re an activator, an instigator, maybe even an agitator trying to convince a certain someone that your way’s the best way. Unfortunately, they’re not buying it. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You’re hoping to celebrate as you work to expand your mind. Sadly, your waistline is expanding at a more rapid rate, holding your mind hostage on the couch. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your hopes and desires come into play this December — and the stars favor a risk. Stand under the mistletoe at work until someone comes along who will…
An American Driver in Canada
I’m a good enough driver when I’m in familiar surroundings, but I’ll freely admit that I always seem to be in the wrong lane or fifty feet past my exit when driving in a strange city. If I’m driving a strange car, it just adds to the excitement. During one of our vacations, we flew to Seattle, rented a car, drove to Vancouver (that’s in Canada), and caught a ship for Alaska (that’s back in the United States). A trip of that length is fraught with hazards. The first thing I learned is that rental car companies try to trick…
On the Refrigerator Door
Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am…
Big Bird Protests
The Excentric World Really Big Story staff take a close look at the most recent protest to flare up at a university in the United States. On the heels of the election and the debates, characters from Sesame Street hit the streets to alert Congress that they won’t stand around like puppets on a string while federal funding is slashed so millionaires can keep more of their ill-gotten booty. Statistics show that children who watch Public Television grow up displaying a higher aptitude than those who are confined to sugar coated cereal sponsored cartoons–unless the cartoons were from the varietal works…
Shameless Brother
Dear Frankly, My mother lives on Social Security and has very little savings left since Dad died last year. I manage her affairs, and encourage her to save for emergencies. The problem is my 38-year-old brother. He can’t keep a job and is burning through the little bit of savings she has. It has reached the point that Mom is now hiding food in her own house so she’ll have something to eat. Any advice on how to deal with my brother? Bothered Brother Dear Bothered, Are you aware of interventions? I suggest you have a family gathering, perhaps a…
Gossip
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “None are so fond of secrets as those who do not mean to keep them.” — Charles Caleb Colton “Even doubtful accusations leave a stain behind them.” — Thomas Fuller “Gossip is always a personal confession either of malice or imbecility.” — Josiah Gilbert Holland “What people say behind your back is your standing in the community.” —…
Trailer Haunted by Ghosts from a Nearby Graveyard
Q: I read that while shooting his latest film ‘Dog Fight’ in New Orleans, Will Ferrell reported hearing sounds in his trailer. After security cleared the trailer, Ferrell returned only to hear noises coming from the bathroom. Eerie, rattling noises forced the actor the declare the trailer was haunted by ghosts from a nearby graveyard. He returned to the set after producers brought in a new trailer. Why do you think ghosts would taunt Will Ferrell? A: My guess is that the ghosts may have been film critics that had seen some of his movies. Q: In a recent…
