The Water of Life
Typically, I prefer to be relevant to the season, its holidays and so on, when not writing about Arizona wines. That means Valentine’s Day in February. I debated on champagnes, maybe dessert wines for couples, or pairing fine wines with a romantic dinner. I’m single though, and Valentine’s is more like Singles Awareness Day for me. Plus, football season will have just ended and with it the addictive distraction of fantasy leagues and other such pastimes of the manly weekend warrior. Take all of this together, and I’ve decided to scrap all things feminine or couples related and focus on one…
Home Grown Hot Dogs!
Aren’t kids neat? Their minds are open and, like a sponge, ready to soak up new knowledge and experience. With the right combination of sincerity, craft and cunning, we older guys can turn this quality into a nifty game that’s fun for all and will provide fond memories in years to come. Please understand, I’m not advocating lying or trying to warp innocent young minds (believe me, I know the burden of a warped mind). Rather, I’m talking about having some fun with flights of fancy that can help kids exercise their minds. Allow me to illustrate. I know a…
Horoscopes for February 2-8, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You’ll try, but fail, to impress snow bunnies this ski season in Flagstaff. Too late, you’ll find everyone signed your cast, “This Stupid Thing Is Fake!” TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month you will discover Castor Oil is like WD40 for the gastro-intestinal tract. You’ll mix it with orange juice and end up non-squeaky clean. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) The month of March finds you facing a conundrum?deciding whether or not to file a police report on the theft of your exotic plants for insurance purposes. CANCER (June 21 – July…
Whatchacallit II
In reading last month’s ditty, I Have realized of late, That what I vainly preached about Has been my own true fate. My whatchacallit’s truly gone! I’m in a brand new zone! I don’t remember anything, And, boy, how I have grown! Or shrunk, I guess! At any rate, I’ve had to start anew and Invent a past and present that More fairly is my due. A myth, in fact, a naked lie, A fabricated rout! Complete with names and places that I’ve only dreamed about! But, wait, this seems familiar. Could I simply have forgot? I’ll never really know…
Ancient Alien Canals Used by Extraterrestrials
Q: I read where an archeologist has recently identified a boatload of sites that he calls ancient channels, canals, and harbors. The bulk of them seem to be located from Tampa down to Ft. Myers. The sites are now a few feet underwater and show banks and edges that indicate they were built before the sea level rise six to seven thousand years ago. Could these actually be ancient alien canals used by extraterrestrials to traverse the Atlantic seaboard, perhaps from Florida to the Bahamas? A: If they were found in Florida, I would look for a UFO with its…
Baseball
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Hating the New York Yankees is as American as apple pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.” — Mike Royko “Baseball statistics are like a girl in a bikini. They show a lot, but not everything.” — Toby Harrah “Well, boys, it’s a round ball and a round bat and you got to hit the ball square.”…
Horoscopes for January 19-25, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You’ve built up a lot of good karma over the past year, but you can’t stand around waiting for the big payback to come. What about all the years you screwed up? AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You’ll encounter two challenging aspects causing you to counter the urge to make a mad dash into the sunlight. Good thing, because there was a big tree in the way. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Competition can be extremely motivating for you this month. After conquering your visiting nieces and nephews on wii bowling, you’re…
Forest Gnome Sighting?
Q: I heard a story from a schoolmate who saw a figure bending down and picking up several sticks. He was a about 7-13 inches high, a gnome-like man with homemade looking clothes, a pointed hat and a long gray beard! He thought to himself that maybe he allowed him to see him because maybe he trusted him. Did he see a forest gnome? Was it real or his imagination? A: I don’t know what grade your schoolmate was in, so it’s hard to tell whether or not it is a child’s imagination or he spotted a forest gnome. Perhaps…
Horoscopes for January 12-18, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Mercury comes out of retrograde, you may become uninhibited, a bit extraverted and even a slight introspective, an antithesis to the regular abnormality of life. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Think carefully before taking a walk on the wild side. You might encounter lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Or maybe coyotes and bobcats and rattlers, oh my. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This January 1st, you have decided on the very best New Year’s Resolution ever! Remember, don’t tell anyone what it is or you may jinx it from happening. CANCER…
Dumped or Dumb?
Dear Frankly, I met my girlfriend six months ago when she was engaged to someone else. Recently, a group of friends got together. She and I ended up dancing, talking for hours, and then spending the night together–after which she decided she was not ready for marriage and broke off her engagement. A week later, we decided to be an exclusive couple. Now, after only one month together, she has decided that we rushed things and need to step back. She would like to “start over” and date other people, too. Did I just get dumped or what? Confused Guy…
The Indestructible Wine, part 1
There’s a book I was introduced to recently entitled A History of the World in Six Glasses. The premise of the book is that there are six key beverages that played a major part in shaping world history, as they were the crux of human settlement, the basis in forming major trade operations and trade routes that developed over time to supply those that lacked the beverage with ample amounts from those that made the beverage (or at least grew the ingredients), and the development of modern globalism and consumer culture. Now, I’m a history buff. Colonial and Revolutionary America…
My Wife Bought It
A friend asked me, “Have you been to Australia?” “No,” I answered. “Why?” He pointed to my feet and said, “The Aussies wear boots like those.” “What can I say? My wife brought them home from the store one day, handed them to me and said, ‘Here, wear these. One on each foot, zippers to the inside.’ So I do.” Quite often, my wife feels that amount of detail is necessary. Tee shirts, socks, and hats don’t need much explanation, but almost everything else requires direction. Briefs: Optional, but if worn, one at a time, Y in front, change daily….
Internet Dating Follow Up
Excentric World staff members look into the latest in Internet dating. A matchmaking company, Great Expectations, promises to help singles who are experiencing difficulty finding someone compatible. Our staff followed (let’s call him Bob) on a date after he selected a perfect match from an on-line questionnaire. He chose to have his special date meet him at his house before going out. The two listed a great sense of humor and slow dancing as their main attractions. Little did he know that his prospective date would far exceed his expectations. Related posts: Financial Struggle Long Distance Longings The Current…
An Excentric Look Into The Future
Excentric World staff members take a look at all the happy gift recipients following the holidays. This couple is an example of two people so much in love that they gave each other a cell phone. Now, even before their ritual Sunday breakfast out is over, they busily show that love again by using their gifts to text and chat with friends. Perhaps they’ll take a Facebook picture of their meal, a popular, while goofy thing to do. Related posts: Deck the Decking with Beer Can Bottoms From the Back Pew . . . Horoscopes for November 9-15,…
Lottery Offense
LAW ENFORCEMENT NEWS: A winner of the Arizona Lottery has been convicted of a federal offense, and was sentenced to prison for 10 years or 1 week each month for 42 years. MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH NEWS: Scientists in South Korea recently announced that, on the heels of cloning human tissue, they have been able to create artificial human sperm. This development will probably be of particular interest to married American males who are often either too tired or too lazy to create their own or are busy watching a sporting event. SPREADING GOSSIP NEWS: Some people don’t believe in repeating gossip,…
Horoscopes for December 29, 2013 – January 4, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) It could be you were born with the words ‘if merely human, do not approach’ etched on your aura. You also probably celebrated Chrsitmukkah. Oye Ho Ho. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You want to visit some exotic land for the holidays but can’t afford it. You’ll rent a foreign flick with subtitles, drink hot Chai latte and eat Bon Bons. Close enough. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You’ ll decide to take up with a new peer-group – the kind that’s into a spiritual, religious or metaphysical cause. It’s a good thing…
Sacrifices Made and Loves Lost
Holiday gatherings often stir emotions and memories of loved ones not in attendance. Our staff decided this month would be a good time to reflect and to remember the fallen. This photograph was taken during the winter of 2001 to commemorate September 11 and the gallant efforts of the firefighters to rescue as many people as they possibly could without reservations. Too often, time passes and without storytellers to preserve the images, times of bravery and sacrifice are too easily forgotten. So, just this once we would like to repeat a picture to remind those who might have forgotten–and involve…
A Christmas Poem
The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light, I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight. My wife was asleep, her head on my chest, My daughter beside me, angelic in rest. Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white, Transforming the yard to a winter delight. The sparkling lights in the tree I believe, Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve. My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep, Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep. In perfect contentment, or so it would seem, So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream. The sound wasn’t…
Bilocation or Hallucination?
Q: I consider myself an educated, mature, ordinary person, but I have no explanation for what happened to me recently. One Sunday afternoon, I looked out of our living room window to observe my husband turning the water sprinkler on for the front yard, I turned and he was gone. I thought he had been at church, so I called his cell phone to see if he had come home early, changed clothes and gone out front without telling me. He answered from the church. How can this be? A: I had a friend with a similar experience. His wife…
Horoscopes for December 15-21, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You want to visit some exotic land for the holidays but can’t afford it. You’ll rent a foreign flick with subtitles, drink hot Chai latte and eat Bon Bons. Close enough. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ ll decide to take up with a new peer-group – the kind that’s into a spiritual, religious or metaphysical cause. It’s a good thing you’re used to sleeping alone. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You can talk your way out of almost any situation that arises this month. The only quandary that perplexes Gemini is re-gifting some of your…
Heart Rider
I peddled out of Phoenix Just about three weeks ago, And panted up the Mogollon, And through New Mexico, Then Texas, Oklahoma, and Across the Kansas miles, To end it in Missouri to St. Louis–welcome smiles. I peddled fifteen hundred miles With bare necessities: The clothing on my back, that’s all, And no real niceties. A sleeping bag and sunscreen, and Some shampoo and a comb, A couple of necessary tools, And my desire to roam. An Ogalala Sioux I met Who’s words cut clean and smart, Told me I didn’t ride a bike. Instead, I rode my heart. Related…
Americans Out of Work
Excentric World staff members look at Americans out of work and looking toward self-employment. This laid-off gallery manager decided to use his experience in dealing with paintings and painters and start up an interior improvement business. First, he needs to master the art of mixing paint. Related posts: Economical Ways of Going Green Effects of Alcohol Binging Out-of-work US Citizens Bogus Automobile Insurance Claims
Thoughtful Christmas Gifts!
Thoughtful Christmas gifts? Most guys haven’t spent more than two seconds thinking about preparing for Christmas. I know, in the past we talked about festive uses for SPAM, but that’s not preparing for the holidays so much as talking about food that is non-seasonal and always appropriate–especially if SPAM is involved. Now that Christmas is just a few days away, it’s time to start thinking about gifts for family and friends. Surely we want to make a lasting impression on those we care about. For me, Christmas memories always center on my Daddy who, as we all remember, was a mountain…
Failure
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” — Dan Quayle “It is possible to fail in many ways…while to succeed is possible only in one way.” — Aristotle “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” — Bill Cosby “If at first you don’t succeed, find out…
A Litmus Test for How Serious He Is
Dear Frankly, A very significant boyfriend from my past recently used the Internet to find me. He said he had looked for me over the years (it has been 8 years since we split up.) This is the one man with whom I had actually discussed marriage very seriously with. We e-mailed and text-messaged each other often for a couple of weeks. He was flirty and sweet–the way I remembered him. After a few weeks of talking and one date, which went very well, he suddenly stopped contacting me. After a month, he reappeared, and then went away again. Any…
Congressional Wins
NATIONAL LEGISLATION NEWS: Congress has been unable to agree on a budget, direct Social Security reform, solve the Medicaid dilemma or protect our borders. However, in emergency sessions, they have succeeded in exposing the steroid use in sports and making sure credit card companies collected from people out of work and forced to file bankruptcy, proving, once again, we have the very best government that money can buy. AUTOMOBILE SAFETY NEWS: A recent study conducted by the National Academy of Sciences should be of interest to those drivers who claim to buy SUVs purely for safety reasons. The results of…
Is CPD for Real?
Q: C.P.D. is a group of full time, off duty, certified Police Officers and Evidence Technicians who specialize in Paranormal Investigations. Unlike “ghost hunting” organizations, C.P.D. does not post pictures, host tours or release any information which their clients wish to be held in confidence. C.P.D. will provide a copy of any evidence captured from their own personal investigations. Their clients’ concerns, privacy and dignity are their top priorities. C.P.D. services are provided without cost. “If you are experiencing a haunting or any other type of paranormal activity, you are not alone. Our procedure is to examine each case with…
Aromatherapy
Being married gives us guys an opportunity to try things we might otherwise miss out on. My wife told me that she had signed us up for a class, about three hours long, but said nothing more. I figured this was not debatable and the less I knew, the better off I’d be, so I didn’t ask any questions. As we prepared for class, my wife read the brochure: “Wear comfortable clothes and bring a mat.” Since I rarely wear uncomfortable clothes, I was puzzled, but decided on jeans. What the brochure should have said was, “Wear clothes that allow…
Horoscopes for December 8-14, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you might be offered a significant amount of money from an older person. Get everything in writing, but first close your eyes and imagine prunes. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This holiday season finds you caroling, decorating and eating figgy pudding. For your health and relationships, you stop short of the traditional fruitcake. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Tenderness and smooth talking may be helpful in avoiding a fight during your big holiday meal. If this fails, grab the mashed potatoes. They spray when tossed. CANCER (June 21 – July 22)…
Lesser Known December Holidays
December 1 is . . . National Pie Day and Eat A Red Apple Day December 2 is . . . National Fritters Day December 3 is . . . National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day December 4 is . . . Wear Brown Shoes Day December 5 is . . . National Sacher Torte Day December 6 is . . . National Gazpacho Day and Mitten Tree Day December 7 is . . . National Cotton Candy Day December 8 is . . . Take It In The Ear Day December 9 is . . . National Pastry Day December 10 is…
