February 28, 2024

Horoscopes for August 17-23, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You will begin channeling in ancient Sumerian. At first people will be impressed. But soon a translator reveals you’ve been channeling a really bad stoned comedian.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You will try to avoid contact with people this month. After exhausting every hiding place, you’ll choose a closet in the Capital, but will find it full of politicians.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will be dogged by a couple on a scooter all month. Finally, you’ll stop and ask them to stop. Instead, they will become the first in your flock of faithful followers.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

This month everything will be going splendidly for Cancers. Your love life, work and health will seem in terrific shape. You must be overlooking something.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

July will find Leos searching for the keys to truth and enlightenment. After a couple of minutes, the search will abruptly switch for the keys to the automobile.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will be hard pressed to find a suitable name for your new Sedona persona. Most of the really cool names are taken and Humpty Dumpty seems vulnerable.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You will become upset this month after everyone around you claims that you are number one in their books, yet they always treat you like number two.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You like to spend your time imparting onto others your vast knowledge and kind nature. They like to spend their time laughing heartily at you behind your back.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You are an excellent communicator, being clever with words and always able to get your point across eloquently. This will help to explain your torrid love affair.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You love to be dramatic and play to an audience. Unfortunately, you can never find anyone to co-star in your dramas and are left to play with yourself.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You have a gift of tact in that you know when you are about to put your foot in your mouth. This will give you time to remove your sock before inevitable insertion.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
You like to be different and this means others will find you more than a tad strange. This month will prove to be no exception as you enjoy dressing as a billy goat.

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