April 17, 2024

Horoscopes for August 11-17, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Aries has been through a rough time lately. Even though it has been caused by the people around you, it is still your fault for picking Jerry Springer Show friends.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Your planet Mercury is about to change signs and the move will take him out of Gemini, which you might see as a negative. Gemini couldn’t be happier.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

By the end of the month, the planet of love, gorgeousness and all things beautiful will have left your sign for another year. First the high gas prices, now this.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

If you’ve been acting all high and mighty with people this month, and you need to eat a slice or two of humble pie, now is a good time to strap on the old feed bag.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Time to break away from all that negative head space that Saturn has laid on you. If this sounds a little 60s-ish, I apologize. I’ve had a cold and am medicated.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Virgo’s ruling planet, Mercury, is changing its signs this month, moving from Mars to Jupiter. It was going to switch to Pluto, but didn’t, since it is no longer a planet.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Your complaints will not only fall on deaf ears but may even be considered self-indulgent. For example: whining about how much it cost to fill up your Hummer.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

In August, you may see a trip to your past coming up. Running into an old friend will stir up memories long forgotten. It may also involve overdue child support.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Mercury will go cruising into your Third House this month. But, the high price of gas will cause old Mercury to apply the brakes hard, inflating your air bag.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Your parents or in-laws will be paying you a summer visit. It’s a good time to clean under the bed – not for inspection, but for hiding under when they arrive.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Are you hoping and wishing for something that continues to seem like it’s never really going to happen? Well, August isn’t looking too good either. Suck it up.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

This month you can expect sex and money to take up a lot of your head space. Unfortunately, it will stay in your head and not travel to any other body part.

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