February 27, 2024

Horoscopes for December 7-13, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Holidays are coming and relatives are on their way to invade your home. This time, you’ll be prepared. Gift certificates to restaurants and hotels are great ideas.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

A small piece of dust will land on one of your eyes, leaving trails and triggering flashbacks from the 60s. You’ll recover with a love for tie-dye and paisley.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will be questioned this month in the disappearance of your senile uncle-in-law. You’ll stick to your story that you dropped him off to shop at Super Wal-Mart.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

This month, you will be encouraged to recall embarrassing moments from your past. Fortunately, the skinny-dipping experiences were few and far between.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You’ll take advantage of the season and do something nice for yourself. Leos are prone to go overboard and this nice thing could cost you for years to come.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

People you work with start a show-and-tell program to lighten the office atmosphere. Everything will go well until you decide to bring in your cousins and pets.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You’ll tire of people calling you a couch potato this month and buy a new chair. The names will continue, but being called a chair turnip doesn’t hurt as much.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll be upset by someone this month. Subtle revenge is the best. Send their spouse a product that “guarantees enlargement” and sign the person’s name.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Someone you knew from years passed will contact you about a job lead. Tell them that those days are over and you don’t take money for “that” anymore.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Taking an assertiveness course helps you come out of your shell. People will confuse your shell with a closet, tell everyone, and you’ll have to go back in.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Being an organ donor, you offer to donate your face after learning of the ability to perform face transplants. Unfortunately, they will decline your generous offer.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll desire to dress up in lavender tights and a body suit with wings on your back and do the dance of the sugar plum fairies, sprinkling love dust. Please don’t!

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