November 29, 2023

Horoscopes for January 13-19, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You are getting back into the dating scene and seeking advice from your friends. They will tell you to just be yourself. I suggest you be someone interesting instead.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Careful what you wish for. After complaining about your paycheck, your boss may agree that your pay doesn’t match your work skills and cut your pay in half.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will come under attack by a person wrapped in roast beef. You’ll protect yourself by slathering your body with mayonnaise and waving white bread.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

With the holidays behind you, you can finally concentrate on pampering yourself for a change. It may take a week just to remove that phoney nice-to-meet-you grin.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You will fulfill your resolution to come clean and tell your friends and family all about the times you lied. After everyone sobers up, no one will remember a thing.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

This is a good time to strip yourself of that veneer of false bravado you’ve been wearing and reveal your vulnerabilities – like your fear of creepy, crawly things.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

A dream will convince you to become a plastic surgeon. This dream will happen the night after friends say you’re always making mountains out of mole hills.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

This January finds you reading the bizarre holidays on Page 16 of this publication and trying to celebrate each and every one of them. What is “Old Rock Day?”

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You will apply to volunteer to help find the culprits behind the oil barges polluting America’s shores and destroying wildlife. Your expertise is finding loose lips.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You may regret signing a petition to have a city remove a white cross from the side of a mountain after discovering the town of Tucson’s “T” wasn’t a religious icon.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Keeping this New Year’s resolution will be the most difficult to keep. Promising to prove to the world that professional wrestling is real may be a bit much.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll look back on 2007 and note your accomplishments. Just minutes later, you will look ahead to 2008’s goals asking yourself repeatedly, “What’s the point?”

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