February 28, 2024

Horoscopes for July 14-20, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

High gas prices, polluted air, mortgage crisis, credit card gouging, narrowing job opportunities, and all you’ll worry about is that unexplainable, itchy, red rash.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You will insist in the beginning that your mate call you “Skipper” and they answer to “Little Buddy.” Later on, you’ll be better known as “Archie” and “Edith.”

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You have been waiting so long to take your relationship to the “intimate” level, that every time someone claps and the lights get turned on, so do you.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

This month, you will have to speak in public. You’ll remember to relax by picturing everyone naked. Unfortunately, you will be addressing Overeaters Anonymous.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Now is as good a time as ever to learn to play the accordion. You may have a hard time finding a hip rock band in Arizona that can also play Polkas or Zydeco.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Friends constantly tell you your mind works like lightning. You think they mean you are a fast thinker, but discover they meant after a brilliant flash, you’re gone.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Your doctor refuses to prescribe you Viagra. You will seek therapy when you overhear that same doctor say something about a flagpole and a condemned building.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll get bit by what could be a rabid, wild animal. Now would be a good time to make a list of all the people you would like to bite before receiving treatment.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

In early July, you’ll fill out your umteenth job application. This time when you come to the line that asks who to notify in emergencies, put in “A Good Doctor.”

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

After a huge fight with your spouse, you will drag out your marriage certificate. Your mate will thank you for the reminder. You will look for an expiration date.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You will start to feel a little self conscious this month when you notice your mate kissing the dog on the mouth, but refusing to eat a bite of food off your fork.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You disprove the old adage that “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” by showing your friends and neighbors how you recently replaced the toilet paper roll.

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