April 17, 2024

Horoscopes for June 8-14, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You will take credit this month for a new campaign to promote a popular landmark near your home. Park your car, stop to smell the flowers and kiss our buttes.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You will find yourself ambling quite often this month. You’ll lose a few pounds and start a profitable new fitness business, Amble Your Way To Better Health.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will have a “lost time” episode. You explain that you were abducted by aliens and then returned a day later, but the bartender remembers serving you till closing.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Things get all jumbled this month in your home and workplace. Check for that Mercury in retrograde thing. I don’t know what it means, but it sounds cool.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Failure of leadership, lack of discipline and personal values and a few other excuses are what you will employ in June to explain why you did what you did.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

While most people will continue to struggle with the age-old question: Is the glass half full or half empty?, you will ask is the glass glass or is the glass plastic?

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I’m telling you why. You will be labeled a paranoid, whiny, cry baby miss or mister poopy pants.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Keep your mouth shut. Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t answer the phone. Don’t go outside, even to get the mail or paper. If this applies to you–turn yourself in!

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

An unexpected brainstorm takes you in a totally different direction. With no map, compass or instruction manual, you will totally get lost, wandering aimlessly.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You want to be decisive, and if you choose the wrong thing, it’s not the end of the world. It will be the end of your job or relationship, but not the end of the world.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You will sometimes eat too much, drink too much, spend too much and even talk too much. You will remind yourself that excess is perfectly okay in moderation.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

In June, you will get together with the ones who share your dreams. Unfortunately, the dreams involve all kinds of kinky, nasty, icky acts in a public phone booth.

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