November 29, 2023

Horoscopes for June 16-22, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You will look for a new job. Don’t quit your day job yet, as there is little demand for an experienced yachtsman who enjoys gambling, whiskey and a good cigar.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

This month will find you hanging out with movie stars and the politically elite. In a short period of time, you will be detained for crashing the party uninvited.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will question the quality of your breath this month, as when you talked with someone, they turned away. Later, you will find they just found you boring.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

In June, you will rush to a conclusion that you will later discover was completely wrong. It will be too late and you’ll have to replace all of your discarded shoes.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This month, you’ll trace your ancestry and discover that someone in your lineage was a leper. That would explain why you often get the urge to join a colony.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You’ll run into an old friend. At first it will be fun remembering days past. But after a couple of drinks and nasty recollections, you’ll be at each other’s throats.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

June will find Libra-type folk mentioning the unmentionable and speaking about the unspeakable, which will result in your not getting the coveted unobtainable.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll be shocked this month to discover that people who once admired and respected you now side with the 90% that thought you were lower than pond scum.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You will reach out to someone in need this month. You’ll be disappointed when you realize that it did nothing to improve the status of your Carmen Ghia.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

After a fall in the shower, you will begin to act like a Hobbit. You will stop wearing shoes, no biggy. But people will resent you saying, “Let me be your Bilbo.”

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You’ll skip to work every morning in June while whistling a catchy tune. People will be amused at first, only to sign a petition to have you committed later.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You will spend a good part of the month contemplating the meaning of life. After a week or two, you’ll get a cat and realize that life is for the licking.

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