July 15, 2018

Horoscopes for March 3-9, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You won’t be able to shake the phrase “Don’t put that in your moth, you don’t know where it’s been.” You will be diagnosed with a new, rare form of anorexia.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You won’t be able to sleep, fearing the Ides of March. Because of your insomnia, you’ll screw up at work and lose your job, oh, right around the 15th or so.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will meet a person this month that gives you a strong feeling of deja vu. It will turn out that you were both mega-losers in a previous life. Coincidence?

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

For no apparent reason, you will shout, “Golly Sergeant Carter,” “Gadzooks Skipper” and “Jeepers Mr. Kent.” This will soon pass now that the writers’ strike ended.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You will have your cake and eat it too, have your fingers in many pies and show that the proof is in the pudding. Your will make a costume worthy of Dessert Devil.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will find happiness this month. Later, you will lose your keys and your wallet, which will cause you to completely lose your mind. So much for happiness.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Always remember, those that do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Unfortunately, you will probably have to repeat math, science and English also.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

It looks like it’s going to be a really slow month for Scorpios in March. This would be a good time to buy a recliner and read that book you bought some years ago.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You’ll bump your head in March, channel in Yiddish over and over what translates to “Good health to your belly button” and “It will heal in time for the wedding.”

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You will discover the painful truth that a big smile can open many doors, but it is really hard on your teeth. You will also be bitten by a gift horse. Get insurance.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You will be politely asked to leave a restaurant this month. Embarrassed, you rush to the drugstore to buy white socks and a batch of odor eaters for your shoes.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You will mistake a tube of topical analgesic for your toothpaste, numbing your tongue and causing your family to think you finally stroked out. Get glasses.

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