November 29, 2023

Horoscopes for May 12-18, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You will join the NRA as a lifetime member. Like Mitt Romney, you’ll boast of hunting small game – like squirrels, with a humane trap and peanut buttered bread.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

This month will find you able to see people’s auras. Because of the unseasonable heat wave, everyone’s auras will read red, with little beads of sweat mixed in.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will be tempted once again to run away and join the circus as a short, overweight, fire-eating accountant. Sadly there are still no openings for your talent.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

In May, you’ll finally stop and take some time to smell the roses. You’ll be stung by a bee, rushed to emergency after swelling like balloon. Lessons will be learned.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This month, you’ll recall the slogan, ‘Neither a lender nor a borrower be.’ You’ll also come to realize that this can only possibly apply to trust-fund babies.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You’ll put your psychic abilities to work this month for the good of mankind. Womankind will find out and you will be in big trouble. Didn’t see that coming?

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

In May, you’ll express your heretofore hidden talent as a singer. The big push will come when you stumble into a Moroccan Cowboy Karaoke bar in Rim rock, AZ.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll be surprised this month to find your neighbor’s teenage kid applying at the same company as you. You’ll be more surprised to find they’re your new boss.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You will be known as the person who keeps their nose to the grindstone. Then you will be known as the person who got their nose hairs stuck in the grindstone.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Friends will convince you it would be cool to overthrow your Home Owners’ Association, until you realize that you might have to do something underhanded.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You’ll decide to take up fly fishing as your latest hobby. At first, you’ll struggle to find bait small enough to attract the flies, but later, you’ll find the joy in the hunt.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll entertain offers from health insurance salespeople this month. You’ll survive, but need to be hospitalized immediately after. Hope you’re covered.

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