July 23, 2019

Horoscopes for November 2-8, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Your Halloween costume was such a big hit at the office party, you will think it fun to wear it once a month. Others will think cross-dressing is more disturbing.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You will find that the older you get, the more you want to take a nap in the late afternoon. For most government workers, this is fine, but not for taxi drivers.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will recall your parents saying “Your day will come.” Well, it’s coming this month. If not this month, soon. But mark my words, “Your day is coming.”

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

You’ll prepare a feast of plenty for friends and loved ones only to have everyone arrive with their special dietary needs, none of which is on the menu. Bon appetite.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You will spot a rare and priceless coin. Reaching for it to cash in on your good fortune, you will slip on wet leaves, hit your head and suffer permanent amnesia.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will refuse to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, you have eggs in baskets all over the place – although the toilet tanks may not be a good storage place.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

People will think your bird imitations are odd and nerdy until they realize that you have the uncanny ability to rid the city of pesky, unwanted stray cats. How tweet.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You will be approached by a friend with a fail-proof plan to make lots of money, fast. This would be a good time to find new friends, even if it means relocating.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You will tire of going back and forth from the home office to the kitchen. Either move the refrigerator to the office or set up a computer desk in the kitchen.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Early this month, you will ponder the philosophical idiom, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.” From that point on, you will only take showers.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

While meditating, you will speak ancient mumbo-jumbo in a deep voice and realize you are channeling an entity from Pluto, pissed about the reclassification.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Once again, things will take a turn for the worse in November. And, once again, you will blame everything on a co-worker, a neighbor, a relative or a pet.

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