July 23, 2019

Horoscopes for October 12-18, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You will find happiness in October. Unfortunately, this will happen right before you lose your keys, your mate, your job and finally your sense of self respect.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

People say they can tell a lot about a person from their handshake. While you may want to strengthen yours, you will definitely want to get rid of the curtsy.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will describe yourself as a take charge kind of person. You will be more successful when you are also a take cash and checks kind of person.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

You keep going through life waiting for that one big break. It seems that a series of little breaks have left you broke. Suggested reading: Humpty Dumpty.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You will come to accept that you were just a breath mint away from realizing your dreams when it came to finding love, landing a job or joining the church choir.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

This is a good time to remove all your body piercings and cover your tattoos. You will realize that there is little demand for a multi-colored human pin cushion.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Admiring a Wyoming city, you’ll pursue your dream of owning your own resort town, rent a backhoe, hollow out a niche and call your place Smith Hole, AZ.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Concern for your health finds you going vegan, getting high on colonics and joining a health club. You’ll feel great and be clean as a whistle, but watch for that bus.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You will tire of performing the same routine every day, over and over, without veering off the mundane path. Of course, tiring of it is part of the routine.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You will decide to leave no stone unturned looking for that special person. When you finally find someone under a rock, don’t be surprised by their depravity.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You’ll realize this month that Aquarians have an aversion to change. Fortunately, no Aquarian known has ever had any type of ill feeling towards paper money.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You will go into a violent tirade every time someone mentions that Mercury is in retrograde this month. Your defense should be that Mercury was in retrograde.

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