February 28, 2024

Horoscopes for October 13-19, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

After constantly being rejected by members of any sex, you decide to call one of those 900 phone sex lines and will be told, “Sorry, I’m just not in the mood.”

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Concerned with your weight gain and lack of energy, you will become a vegetarian, only to learn that vegetarian is an old Indian word for “crappy hunter.”

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

Your ship will finally come in this month. Unfortunately, it’s cargo will be one of the six percent checked by Port Authority and confiscated as contraband.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

This month you’ll find relief from itching feet by soaking them every night in plain yogurt. Now you need to find a way to keep all the cats from following you around.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You will head to a secluded spot for rest and relaxation – no phone, no lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury. Like Robinson Crusoe, it’s primitive as can be.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will finally tire of living in fear of a terrorist attack in October and begin pursuing your cross-dressing dreams. Unfortunately, not one person will notice.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This month, you will look a gift horse in the mouth. It will bite the end of your nose off, sending you to the emergency room with no gift horse bite insurance. Ouch.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You will add your dog as a write-in candidate for your state. Not only will she get elected, in spite of vicious rumors, but she’ll rewrite leash and licensing laws.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You will decide to get out of the house and involved in sports. Much to the chagrin of your neighbors and their pets, you will choose lawn darts as your sport.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You will develop a new mantra that will catch on and launch your new career as a motivational speaker. “If at first you don’t succeed, keep your mouth shut.”

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You will need to see a doctor this month, but won’t know which specialist to see, a podiatrist or a dentist. Which is more qualified to remove a foot from a mouth?

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You will not be invited to the neighborhood Halloween party this year, just because last year you were a melting ice cream cone and made everyone lick you.

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