April 25, 2024

Horoscopes for September 8-14, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You have to choose between the Road Runner and Wiley Coyote. If you could only be one, which one would you be? Yes, you get to keep the ACME gadgets.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

This month you’ll answer the phone to a prankster that says your mate has lost their job and has been cheating on you. Unknowingly, you admit to the same vices.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will fake an illness just to get attention. It’ll be remarkably successful. You’ll get attention from the doctor, your boss, your insurance agent and bill collectors.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

You will find a mystery food in the back of the refrigerator. If it doesn’t taste right, sell it to the biology department at a university, rather than just throwing it out.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You will think you’e really cool when you buy a pair of NASCAR shoes. Not until you get home will you discover you can only turn left.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You become very popular all of a sudden this month. The reason could be all the Sedona Sid t-shirts you bought online and gave away to everyone you saw.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This is a good month to concentrate on your special abilities. Fortunately, it shouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes out of a slow, rainy Sunday.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You will discover the Fountain of Youth right here in Arizona. This would be a great find, were it not for the drought which left it bone dry. Sorry, old timer.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Tarot card reading can help guide you through troubled emotions by offering a reflection of your past, present and possible future. Or not. Who knows?

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You will get the opportunity to physically sit with someone who is skilled in extrasensory perception. You’ll be surprised that they didn’t know you were coming.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You think your house is haunted and consult a ghost buster. You?re confused but follow their directions and hire an accordion player to play Stairway To Heaven.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Things could turn surprisingly ugly this month without the slightest notice. This is most likely to happen in your bedroom when you finally sober up.

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