February 25, 2018

Assassination Confusion

TELEVANGELIST NEWS: Pat Robertson, CEO of the 700 Club television station in Virginia Beach, was quoted as saying he endorsed the assassination of Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez, claiming the dictator supported both the spread of Communism and Muslim extremism. Later, he backslid and claimed to be misunderstood, saying he meant the tyrant should be “taken out,” which could have a variety of meanings, like kidnapping him, taking him out for dinner and a movie or taking him out for a walk. As usual, the media was behind the confusion.

GOING POSTAL NEWS: Thomas Shaheen, 49, of suburban Springfield Township, who works as a vehicle mechanic for the U.S. Postal Service in Akron, Ohio, was charged with two misdemeanor counts of adulteration of food or placing harmful objects in food. He was videotaped putting urine in the coffee of co-workers. One of the co-workers was quoted as saying they were totally pissed off and was switching to tea.

IMMIGRATION NEWS: David Smith Sr., who already holds a world record for the longest distance traveled by a human fired from a cannon, added to his list of cannonball coups by shooting across the U.S-Mexico border. He was immediately given water and socks by concerned citizens, questioned by border patrol and sent to Oregon to pick cherries.

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