August 20, 2019

Flustered

BONE HEADED CRIME NEWS: A suspect entered a Chase Bank branch in New Hudson, MI wearing a hooded sweat shirt, sunglasses and winter gloves. He handed the teller a small piece of cardboard that read, “Give me your money.” When the teller asked him where his bag was, he got flustered and left without the cash.

TYPICAL GOVERNMENT NEWS: Surf City, N.J. – The Army Corps of Engineers, which accidentally dumped sand filled with old military ordnance on Surf City’s beach, now wants the town to help pay to remove it. Some suggested detonating the munitions, believing it may improve the condition of the beach.

SIMPLE SERVICE NEWS: More than two-thirds of government’s senior executives got special bonuses last year — nearly 4,800 workers. Veterans Affairs officials involved in a $1 billion shortfall that put veterans’ health care in peril got bonuses ranging up to $33,000. At some agencies, almost all of the senior executives received awards. The program was designed to reward exceptional or high performing employees. Must be an awful low bar.

PUZZLING NEWS: Hong Kong – Playing the popular Chinese tile game mahjong can lead to seizures, Hong Kong researchers say, calling the phenomenon “mahjong epilepsy.” Patients suffered seizures when playing mahjong as early as one hour into their games. Medical experts in the U.S. are worried that a popular board game here could be responsible for undiagnosed “chess colds.”

DUST TO DUST NEWS: A woman who was quick with the bargains at her rummage sale mistakenly accepted 50 cents for a ceramic turtle with the ashes of her husband’s previous wife inside. Now, Anita Lewis is desperately searching for the buyer who said she planned to use the urn as a cookie jar. The seller was upset because, in hindsight, she could have gotten $1 for the turtle.

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