August 16, 2017

Gubernatorial Candidate

POLITICAL NEWS: In Minnesota, anyone who pays the $300 filing fee can get on the gubernatorial ballot. This year, Jonathon Sharkey, a blood-drinking satanic priest, who supports the impaling of terrorists, rapists, drug dealers and other criminals, and whose platform includes an emphasis on education, tax breaks for farmers and better benefits for veterans has thrown his kamelaukion in the ring.

SAFE SEX NEWS: A Tulua, Colombia councilman wants to require everyone in town 14 or older to carry a condom to prevent pregnancy and disease, outraging local priests. William Pena said he will present a proposal to force all men and women, even those just visiting, to carry at least one condom. Those caught empty-pocketed could pay a fine of $180 or take a safe sex course, he said. Cottonwood, Arizona had a similar law repealed after a water balloon fight broke out in Home Depot’s parking lot, leaving condoms scattered citywide.

BIRTHDAY SUIT NEWS: Baring all in chilly weather, animal rights activists staged a naked protest in northeastern Barcelona, Spain to denounce the torture and slaying of animals to make fur coats. Representing PETA, 70 men and women lay down, curled up on the pavement outside city hall. It was a Saturday and only a handful of passers-by witnessed the event. A larger audience may have gathered for Pamela Anderson.

PHONE BOOK NEWS: A man holding up banks in Lowell, MA, claiming to have a bomb in a bag, was arrested after police found the bag contained books, including a phone book that had a mailing label with the man’s full name and address.

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