July 20, 2019

Hold Up!

CRIME NEWS: A robber who used a rusty pitchfork to stick up a South Carolina bank got away– and so far, finding him has been like looking for a needle in a haystack. The man, wearing sunglasses and a mask, entered Security Federal Bank and threatened employees with the 4-foot-long rusty pitchfork. The man took an undisclosed amount of money. The robber dropped the farm tool as the man got into a white van driven by a woman. No customers were in the bank during the holdup, and no one was injured. Locals are calling the event the American Gothic Heist.

HORTICULTURE NEWS: Sheriff’s officers in Green Bay, Wisconsin had marijuana growing outside their headquarters. “Obviously, as a prank, somebody planted this or dropped some seeds into the plants,” a sheriff’s spokesman said. A drug officer pulled the six small plants. Drying and then burning them was suggested as a means of destroying the plants.

GUNS NEWS: The University of Utah’s policy on guns is under fire from state legislators. Since the school is state funded, lawmakers are suing to enforce the opportunity for the students to carry weapons to and from class. One student was quoted as saying, “Just knowing I can blow somebody’s face off makes me feel safer.” Go UTES!

MEDICAL NEWS: A medical intern at a Western Austria hospital mistakenly injected an elderly patient with olive oil instead of antibiotics after mixing up bedside vials, officials said Wednesday. The woman was in stable condition and would not suffer any serious complications, although she did have a strong desire to be infused with garlic and spread on baguettes.

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