February 20, 2019

Key Lime Pie Battle

LEGAL NEWS: A Florida state legislator who was locked in a fierce battle over making key lime pie Florida’s official pie has given up. Rep. Dwight Stansel, a pecan farmer, lobbied for pecan pie to be chosen. He later gave in to public sentiment and key lime pie is now the official pie of Florida. Arizona legislators are rumored to be considering lemons as the state fruit, but are still arguing over who should pick them.

MODERN MORALITY NEWS: At two Rolling Hills Consolidated Library branches in Savannah and St. Joseph, Missouri, a children’s book about two male penguins that raise a baby penguin has been moved from the children’s section to non-fiction after some parents complained of homosexual undertones. The illustrated book, And Tango Makes Three, is based on a true story of two male penguins, Roy and Silo, who adopted an abandoned egg at New York City Central Park Zoo.

CRIME PREVENTION NEWS: Glendale, AZ, police have purchased an armored tank from the federal government for $240,000. The Ballistic Armored Response vehicle can resist a grenade blast, stop bullet and blast through concrete. Though Glendale is near the bottom of cities terrorists may target, the tank is expected to reduce incidences of tagging graffiti.

EDUCATION NEWS: In Chicago, IL, most high school students eagerly await the day they pass driver’s education class. But 16-year-old Mayra Ramirez is indifferent about it. Ramirez is blind, yet she and dozens of other visually impaired sophomores in Chicago schools are required to pass a written rules-of-the-road exam in order to graduate. Talk about the blind leading the blind.

POVERTY NEWS: The following was written by a girl in a private school in New York when given the assignment to write an essay on poverty: There was a very poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The children were poor. The maid was poor. The butler was poor. The chauffeur was poor. Everybody was poor.

HISTORICAL NEWS: On January 24, 1935, beer was sold in a can for the first time, an event that gave rise to country music, Drive-In theaters, NASCAR, Super Bowl Commercials and unreported hunting accidents by politicians.

NEW SPORTS NEWS: A new champion was crowned at Wing Bowl in Philadelphia. After three rounds and 27 minutes, 235-pound Joey Chestnut, set a new record eating 173 chicken wings to win a new car. Cups of beer and soda were thrown onto the stage, women bared their breasts, the parking lot was ankle-deep in beer cans and nobody was seriously injured. According to the organizers, the event was a huge success.

MARRIAGE NEWS: Mark Russell about the law preventing marriage by same sex partners: “Same sex marriage or opposite sex, what’s the difference–after 30 years there’s no sex.”

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