January 18, 2019

3,000 Year Old Scribbling

HISTORIC LITERARY NEWS: Experts believe the oldest form of writing has been discovered on a tablet in Mexico. Tests show the writing to be over 3,000 years old. After months of studying the scribbling, it is believed that the tablet was carried around by a nomadic hitchhiker and the scrolled message states “America or Bust.”

HUNTING NEWS: A South Dakota man was sentenced to two years of probation for chopper-chasing a herd of deer in a Nebraska national forest. Some deer feel the sentence was too light and want the man’s head mounted on a tree.

NUDITY NEWS: Police went to a home after receiving a report that a man had entered it illegally. As the woman who owned the home and her daughter started calling police, the man stripped naked in the living room and fled after stealing a pair of shoes. When officers arrived, they found the man running naked through a nearby pasture. He started to chase some of the horses and grab at their tails. Perhaps he was looking for a place to hide.

SLANDER NEWS: The chairman of Canada’s public broadcaster resigned recently. Guy Fournier, 75, became the target of anger and criticism after claiming in a gossip magazine column that Lebanon permits bestiality, and for granting a lengthy interview on the joys of bowel movements. Clearing out his office, Fournier grabbed his goat, claiming this was “all crap.”

SPORTS NEWS: For the right price, Pete Rose is willing to write on a baseball that he’s sorry. Perhaps, for the right price, Don Rumsfeld will write on oil drums that he’s sorry.

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