November 22, 2017

Cheeky Creations

CRACK NEWS: Outside of class and under an alter ego, the self-proclaimed artist, Stephen Murmer, a fun, popular art teacher, creates floral and abstract art by plastering his posterior and genitals with paint and pressing them against canvas. His cheeky creations sell for hundreds of dollars. This has not gone over well with Chesterfield County school officials, who placed him on administrative leave from his job in Richmond, VA. Monacan High could soon be the butt of many jokes.

SPACE NEWS: Using a gold-plated 6-iron, Russian cosmonaut Mikhail Tyurin hit a golf ball into orbit from a platform on the International Space Station. A Toronto golf club manufacturing company paid an undisclosed sum for the promotion of its product. Tyurin’s swing should forever silence critics who complained the space station had no useful mission.

AUTO NEWS: American auto dealers will reveal a device, On Time, on new vehicles within a year. On Time is a starter-interrupt system that disables the vehicle when a payment is late. Installed GPS systems would then locate the vehicle for repossession. When payment is made, the dealership releases a code for the driver to punch in to allow the vehicle to be started.

FINDERS KEEPERS NEWS: A thrift store worker checking donated items found nearly $7,000 in a coat pocket and money belt, police say. “I guess I was shocked,” said Shirley Meagher, the booty finder. Police said they would keep it until it can be returned to the family of the coat’s owner, Gary Beaton, who died last month. His property was left behind in an apartment that friends or the landlord helped clean out. They had gone through his apartment and were donating some extra items to the thrift store. Evidently, they didn’t clean out his apartment as well as they could.

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