April 17, 2024

Slam Dunk

DOUBLE DUH NEWS: Harvey Miller, 43, a paraplegic, and Edwin Marzinske, 55, both from Wisconsin, were recently charged with drunken driving the same vehicle simultaneously. They were clocked doing 35 mph in a 55 zone. Miller, working the steering blew 0.16 and Marzinske, working the gas and brakes, blew 0.09. They were planning to defend themselves. Perhaps Miller will open and close and Marzinske will cross examine. A slam dunk.

UNDERCOVER PLANT NEWS: Two of Maine’s brightest, Travis Child and Jeremy Belskis, both 20, were arrested after they’d seen a pickup with marijuana plants in the back being used by an undercover agent with the state and Child hopped out of their car and swiped one of the plants at a stop sign. He said he just wanted “to know what it was.” They’re charged with cannibus stupidus.

WAG THE DOG NEWS: Jane Balogh, 66, won’t be prosecuted on the charge of making a false or misleading statement to a public servant. She faced up to 90 days in jail for registering her dog to vote if she does 10 hours of community service, pays a $250 fine and avoids violating the law for the next year. It appears the plea was accepted after reviewing past voting records of Seattle, WA.

ATTACK OF THE MUNCHIES NEWS: An Iowa man has been charged with a cheesy snack attack on his dad, police said. The weapon? A bag of Cheetos. Patrick Hamman, 22, of Des Moines, was arrested on a charge of domestic assault after he threw a bag of Cheetos at his father, Michael Hamman, hitting him in the face. The evidence was that orange stain that is so hard to wash off.

IN THE BUFF NEWS: A 37-year-old Chicago man was traveling in the nude on the Indiana Toll Road to Ohio to visit his mother when a state trooper pulled him over and arrested him for lewd conduct. He told the police he was getting off on the next exit ramp.

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