December 13, 2017

Today’s Woman on Aging

When we age, the growth of hair on our legs slows down. Of course, now we have to take care of our newly acquired
mustaches.

When we age, we no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans.

When we age and we stand naked in front of a mirror, we can see our rear without turning around.

When we age and go for a mammogram, we realize that this is the only time someone will ask us to appear topless.

When we age, we want to tell all those lovely young things in tube tops to enjoy because the Roman empire fell and THOSE WILL, TOO!

When we age, we obtain wisdom to know that life throws us curves while we’re sitting on our biggest ones.

When we age, we look at our know-it-all, phones growing out of ears, stereo blasting, incessantly chattering kids and think: “For this, I have stretch marks?”

When we age, our memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing we can retain is water.

When we age, it means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally–more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map.

When we age, we go into AAADD (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder). Here is an example of AAADD:

  • You decide to water your garden and as you turn on the hose in the driveway you look over at your car and decide that it needs washing.
  • So you start towards the garage, then you notice that there is mail on the porch that you brought up from the mailbox earlier so you decide to go through the mail before you wash the car.
  • You lay your car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage and notice the can is full.
  • You put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage, but then you think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage, I may as well pay the pills first.
  • You take your checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check left.
  • The extra checks are in the study, so you go inside the house to your desk and find the can of Coke that you were drinking.
  • You’re going to look for your checks, but first need to push the Coke aside so that you don’t accidently knock it over.
  • You feel that the Coke is getting warm and decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.
  • As you head for the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches your eye–they need to be watered.
  • You set the Coke down on the counter, and discover your reading glasses that you’ve been searching for all morning.
  • You decide to put them back on your desk, but first you’re going to water the flowers.
  • You set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and suddenly spot the TV remote someone left it on the kitchen table.
  • You realize that tonight when you go to watch TV, you’ll be looking for the remote, but won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so you decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first you’ll water the flowers.
  • You pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
  • So, you set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
  • Then you head down the hall trying to remember what you were planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed and the bills aren’t paid. There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter and the flowers don’t have enough water. There is still only one check in the checkbook and you can’t find the remote. You can’t find your glasses and you don’t remember what you did with the car keys. And when you try to figure out why nothing got done today, you’re really baffled because you know you were busy all day long and you’re really tired. You realize this is a serious problem and you vow to get some help, so you go to a chat room to seek advice, but then you decide to check your email first….and so on and so forth…

If this isn’t you yet, don’t laugh, your day is coming sooner than you think!

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