April 7, 2020

  • First Family To Go To Moon Soon … by Blodwyn Smythe

    With just days before Halloween, a month before Thanksgiving, yet still another month to go before revelers get to shout, “Merry Christmas,” becuase Americans know that wishing people “Happy Holidays” or “Peace on Earth, Good Will To Men” is totally unacceptable in the new Trumpian World, formerly the United States of America, scuttlebut is leaking from the White House that the Trumps are planning an extended vacation out of this world – the likes of which no one has ever witnessed. Someone was even rumored to have been concked on the head for writing, “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” on…

  • Word Perfect!

    Good reading is one of the pleasures we enjoy without giving it too much thought. What you guys out there don’t realize is that good reading can’t happen without somebody first doing some good writing. There can never be too much good writing in the world. So, in the hopes of inspiring some of you, I’m going to teach you a few fundamentals of good writing. First, you must learn that writing is made up of words. These words have names according to the jobs they do. Words can be nouns or verbs or adverbs, etc. These names are called…

  • Mythology!

    Think real hard here. Try to remember. What do these names mean to you: ZEUS, MARS, VENUS, HELEN OF TROY, MERCURY? Do you remember any of them? Of course you do. These are a few of the names we all learned when we studied the mythology of the ancients. Greek gods and goddesses, Roman gods and goddesses, they’re all up there in the mythical mix along with more local names like Paul Bunyan, Pecos Bill, Joe Magarac, and Dale Earnhardt. Oops, slight overstatement there. Everybody knows these names and they think they know the stories behind them. That’s where they’re…

  • The Wino’s Geek Speak

    All professions have their own language. Call it jingo, jargon or whatever other term you desire. Few are as incomprehensible as legalese, but they can still befuddle the uninitiated and unfamiliar. The wine world is no exception. Most people would simply stare at me with an odd look if I handed them a Syrah and said, “It’s a little reductive.” You can even confuse those within a profession as the slang tends to get regional. For instance, if I were in Western Australia, that same Syrah would be pongy, not reductive. What’s the point of mentioning this to you? Well,…

  • Geography!

    Guess what there’s probably more of in the world than anything else? No, not beer. Not poison ivy either. The answer is geography. Geography is everywhere, all around this big ol’ world of ours. In fact, you could say the world is made of geography. The next time you look at a map of the world, take a moment to appreciate how much geography there is. You can’t find any place on the map that doesn’t have some. The word “geography” comes from the Latin: “geo,” which is a kind of car, and the word “graphos,” which those Latin folks used…

FEATURED WORLD EDITION

The South is All Them Red States

Oct 28, 2019

They measure distance in minutes. They’ve often had to switch from heat to a/c in the same day. You’ll see a car running in a store parking lot with no one in it no matter what time of the year. They use “fix” as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store. All the festivals across the South are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal. They install security lights on their houses and garages and then leave both unlocked. They carry jumper cables in their car… for their OWN car. They know what “cow…

Up with Cats

Oct 28, 2019

I’ve given up on women, and I’ve taken up with cats! Cats never preach the sins of salt Or saturated fats! I told my woman, yesterday, That cats would be my life. She smiled, and said, I think that cats Will make a splendid wife! I’ve thought for years that cats and you Would get along quite well– You both are low, and sneaky, and Exude a fishy smell. You prowl around in dark of night, And no one knows just where, And when the morning light appears You slink back to your lair, And yawn, and scratch, and lick…

The Media

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Unfortunately, the media have trouble distinguishing between real science and propaganda cross-dressed as science.” — Linda Bowles “Journalism consists largely in saying ‘Lord Jones died’ to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive.” — G. K. Chesterton “I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.” — Gandhi “Whoever controls the media–the images–controls the culture.” —…

Love

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved–loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” — Victor Hugo “A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.” — Fr. Jerome Cummings “Without love, benevolence becomes egotism.” — Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. “Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding…

Scope This

Oct 28, 2019

I’ve found a brand new restaurant that’s A perfect place to dine. It opens up at 6 a.m. And doesn’t close till nine. It’s thrifty, bright and squeaky-clean; It’s customers are smart; It’s food is fresh, eclectic, and It’s walls are hung with art. There’s salad bars and deli bars, And pasta bars, and sauce; There’s taco bars and chocolate bars, And, at the end, there’s floss. You choose and weigh and pay by ounce, So, careful what you take. And if you wear a stethoscope, You get a special break. You’re right! It’s true! I’m eating at The hospital…

Democracy

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: DEMOCRACY “Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.” Winston Churchill “Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.” Benjamin Franklin “Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after…

Drug Possession on Horseback

Oct 28, 2019

GIDDY UP NEWS: A woman who went for a horseback ride through Sylvania, Alabama allegedly used the horse to ram a police car and was charged with driving under the influence and drug offenses. The woman was charged with DUI for allegedly riding the horse under the influence of a controlled substance. She was also charged with drug possession, possession of drug paraphernalia, resisting arrest, assault, attempting to elude police and cruelty to animals. She plans to use the horse’s ass defense. A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME NEWS: Metallica may be a cool name for a heavy metal band,…

Android Orphans

Oct 28, 2019

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I watched a little girl, this week, Sit, staring at her dad– A precious time together that Seemed nothing less than sad. They sat across a table at A trendy coffee place– Her father, with his slick, new phone Held up, before his face. The little girl was waiting with Wide, patient eyes that smiled In hopeful expectation that Her daddy missed, beguiled By digital distractions on That bright, seductive screen, While daddy’s girl sat, pleading with Adoring eyes, unseen By yet another parent who Believes their love is clear, While android-orphan children wait A day,…

Useful Military Warnings

Oct 28, 2019

“Aim towards the Enemy.” Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher “When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” U.S. Army magazine “Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop “If the enemy is in range, so are you.” Infantry Journal “A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance “It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”…

Literary Award

Oct 28, 2019

These are the ten winners of this year’s Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel… #10 As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it. #9 Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens. #8 With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed the lustrous thick, brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description….

Lesser Known May Holidays

Oct 28, 2019

May 1 is . . . Mother Goose Day and Save The Rhino Day May 2 is . . . Fire Day May 3 is . . . Lumpy Rug Day May 4 is . . . National Candied Orange Peel Day May 5 is . . . National Hoagie Day May 6 is . . . Beverage Day May 7 is . . . International Tuba Day and National Roast Leg of Lamb Day May 8 is . . . No Socks Day and Have A Coke Day May 9 is . . . Lost Sock Memorial Day May…

Politically Correct Guys & Gals

Oct 28, 2019

1. She is not a Babe or Chick – She is a Breasted American. 2. She is not a Screamer or Moaner – She is Vocally Appreciative. 3. She is not Easy – She is Horizontally Accessible. 4. She is not Dumb – She is a Detour Off The Information Highway. 5. She has not Been Around – She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion. 6. She is not an Air Head – She is Reality Impaired. 7. She does not get Drunk – She gets Chemically Inconvenienced. 8. She has not had Breast Augmentation – She is Medically Enhanced. 9….

Keep America Beautiful

Oct 28, 2019

Many of you 50 and older are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. You’re unsure about the kind of image you are projecting, and whether or not you are correct as you try to conform to the fashions that the designers inflict upon the world. So here are the results of a study of the situation. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and a bald spot 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirt and…

Life’s Little Philosophies

Oct 28, 2019

1. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often. 3. Going to a church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 4. It isn’t the jeans that make your butt look fat. 5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9….

4-D Printers

Oct 28, 2019

by Doug Rabbit Sutherland ‘Ol Bernie Madoff would be proud! He really would!  It’s true! Because I’ve hatched a jail-proof scheme Who’s time is clearly due! We charlatans of noble stripe Have one stone in our sling: To stay one step ahead of folks Obsessed with “The Next Thing!” Now, 3-D printers, as you know, Have galvanized the world. So, what would be the next big thing That begs to be unfurled? Why, 4- printers!  Clear as day! And, I have them in stock! And, for a measly hundred grand You’ll be first on your block To copy things that…

Husbands & Wives

Oct 28, 2019

Continuing with the husbands understanding their wives theme, our super crack Excentric World investigators look at the odd ways in which men choose to communicate their feelings. While it is doubtful that the owner of this Volkswagen Golf is a man, as most men would leave this vehicle for their wives to drive while they zip around town in the coupe, it is certain some maladjusted male, with decent printing skills and a finger most likely wiped on the side of his pants, scrawled this message onto the back of this SUV. Choosing to express his innermost feelings about his…

Accessories for the Designated Driver

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members look at the effects of driving under the influence. The driver of this this vehicle reminds herself that drinking and driving don’t go together, except as an occasional accessory. More and more bar hoppers are appointing one of their own as a designated driver. This person enjoys not only watching their friends make blithering spectacles of themselves throughout the night, but is empowered to drop them off at their respective homes. Stories about letting them off at the wrong houses have made the designated driver the favorite of parties and bars. Who says staying sober can’t…

Stupidity

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “I wash my hands of those who imagine chattering to be knowledge, silence to be ignorance, and affection to be art.” — Kahlil Gibran “There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.” — Johann von Goethe “Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education.” — Bertrand Russell “The doorstep to the temple of…

You Are Only Old As You…

Oct 28, 2019

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?” A woman was sitting in the waiting room for her first appointment with a new dentist. She noticed his DDS certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in her high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that she had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, she quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face…

Hygiene Hypothesis

Oct 28, 2019

CLEAN LIVING NEWS: Two studies, one published in the Scandinavian Journal of Immunology, have found that gritty rats and mice living in sewers and farms have healthier immune systems than those living in antiseptic laboratories. The lesson for humans is that clean living may make us sick. A theory called the hygiene hypothesis claims that people’s immune systems aren’t being challenged by disease and dirt early in life, possibly to blame for the soaring rates of allergy and asthma cases and some autoimmune diseases. COFFEE PROFIT NEWS: Starbucks has decided to shrink its shareholder perks. Every spring the company sends…

The Pros and Cons of Napping

Oct 28, 2019

HEALTH STUDY NEWS: In the largest study to date on the health effects of napping, researchers tracked 23,681 healthy Greek adults for an average of about six years. Those who napped at least three times weekly for about half an hour had a 37 percent lower risk of dying from heart attacks or other heart problems than those who did not nap. Of course, those found napping while driving ran a far greater risk of dying from an automobile accident. RECORD BREAKING NEWS: More than 6,000 couples kissed simultaneously at midnight one Saturday in the Philippines with organizers of the…

Say It Isn’t Sonny

Oct 28, 2019

There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do–and he didn’t seem overly concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table these three objects: a new Bible, a pure silver dollar, and a bottle of Kentucky whiskey… “Now…

Gubernatorial Candidate

Oct 28, 2019

POLITICAL NEWS: In Minnesota, anyone who pays the $300 filing fee can get on the gubernatorial ballot. This year, Jonathon Sharkey, a blood-drinking satanic priest, who supports the impaling of terrorists, rapists, drug dealers and other criminals, and whose platform includes an emphasis on education, tax breaks for farmers and better benefits for veterans has thrown his kamelaukion in the ring. SAFE SEX NEWS: A Tulua, Colombia councilman wants to require everyone in town 14 or older to carry a condom to prevent pregnancy and disease, outraging local priests. William Pena said he will present a proposal to force all…

Ignorance and Stupidity

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: IGNORANCE/STUPIDITY “People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.” Soren Kierkegaard “I’ll take crazy over stupid any day.” Joss Whedon “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” George Carlin “In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.” Napoleon Bonaparte “There is more stupidity…

Inequality Between The Sexes

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members take a look at the continual inequality between the sexes. Ladies Night continues to bring in the women who are let into nightclubs free of charge and offered drink specials at bars. Knowing that where the women are, men will follow, owners of drinking establishments continue to entice women with special rates not offered to men. Most men rarely complain about the unequal treatment because they realize that the greater number of women in attendance correspondingly increases their chances of getting lucky. The only women, besides Gloria Steinem styled feminists, who consider the bait bars and…

Astrology for the Weak

What’s Your Sign? Astrology for the Weak June 23-29, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) The stars show that you should let other people take charge of things this month. But, of course, you won’t. You’re a Capricorn and only you’re the boss of you. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) It is really important to give your body a good chunk of vigorous exercise. After all, during the spring months you put a good chunk of junk in your trunk. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Soak up misguided attention. Enjoy being in the limelight. Savor all the adulation you’re getting. Very soon, people will discover you are…

Horoscopes for June 16-22, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will look for a new job. Don’t quit your day job yet, as there is little demand for an experienced yachtsman who enjoys gambling, whiskey and a good cigar. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month will find you hanging out with movie stars and the politically elite. In a short period of time, you will be detained for crashing the party uninvited. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will question the quality of your breath this month, as when you talked with someone, they turned away. Later, you will find they…

Horoscopes for June 9-15, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will recall days of rocking on a porch, whittling a stick, humming a tune and trying to hit that spittoon. Funny, you can’t recall starring in Deliverance. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will have a recurring nightmare of being reincarnated as a chihuahua, running in a parking lot with a taco in your mouth, being chased by a giant bell. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will try to get into the dating scene after a long hiatus. While coffee shops are the new, hip places to hang, watch out for…

Horoscopes for June 2-8, 2013

ARIES (April 21 – April 19) You’ll put a strong emphasis on love and affection, and you won’t be afraid to be demonstrative. Just remember, some demonstrations are illegal in public. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Venus and Mars are alright tonight. It has nothing to do with Taurus in June. I was listening to McCartney and Wings when I was writing these forecasts. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, you will decide to join one of those online dating groups. When you receive the results, you will be puzzled to learn the only match was yourself. CANCER…

Horoscopes for May 26-June 1, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month is a good month to get noticed, so get out there and take charge. But first, check off your list – hair, teeth, clothes, shoes, signs, tea bags, tax refund. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You could find yourself in the center of the spotlight in May and all eyes focused on you to see what you are going to do next. My suggestion? Zip up and smile. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) May is a good time to reflect on things you might have done and may have accomplished had…

Horoscopes for May 12-18, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will join the NRA as a lifetime member. Like Mitt Romney, you’ll boast of hunting small game – like squirrels, with a humane trap and peanut buttered bread. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month will find you able to see people’s auras. Because of the unseasonable heat wave, everyone’s auras will read red, with little beads of sweat mixed in. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be tempted once again to run away and join the circus as a short, overweight, fire-eating accountant. Sadly there are still no openings for…

Horoscopes for May 5-11, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will accept that it is time for you to lose your virginity. You won’t want anyone to know, so you’ll hire a professional. They’ll tell you “Not on the first date.” TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) A Chinese fortune cookie helps you realize that “If you have more friends than money, you are never poor.” Especially if you only spend their money. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be convinced by an acquaintance of yours to invest in what you think is Egyptian antiquities. Later, you’ll learn it is no more…

Horoscopes for April 28-May 4, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) April/May is a good time for a career change. CEO of any business should guarantee a huge salary, bonus, perks and put you in a cushy off-shore tax bracket. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will discover you have an affinity for small, furry things. Due to your extreme display of affection, it would be best to start out with inanimate objects. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will run into someone from your distant past. After they fully recover from their injuries and pay their hospital bills, you can try to catch…