January 26, 2020

  • First Family To Go To Moon Soon … by Blodwyn Smythe

    With just days before Halloween, a month before Thanksgiving, yet still another month to go before revelers get to shout, “Merry Christmas,” becuase Americans know that wishing people “Happy Holidays” or “Peace on Earth, Good Will To Men” is totally unacceptable in the new Trumpian World, formerly the United States of America, scuttlebut is leaking from the White House that the Trumps are planning an extended vacation out of this world – the likes of which no one has ever witnessed. Someone was even rumored to have been concked on the head for writing, “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” on…

  • Americans with No Abilities Act Passes

    WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – Congress quietly approved sweeping legislation which provides new benefits for millions of Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), expected to be signed into law by the president shortly after inauguration, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the hordes of Americans who lack any real working skills or ambition. “Roughly 25 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said an unidentified congressman and longtime AWNAA supporter. “This is why many of them vote for me term after…

  • Hot Videos This Week

    How Animals Eat Their Food… Over 44 million views. See if you can keep a straight face. Vaseline High Five… Slimy prank of the week. Bubba’s Hover Golf Cart… Taking golf carts to a whole new level. Russian Cat and Vaccuum Cleaner… Strange, but cute, cat behavior.   Stars Wars Retold by Someone Who Hasn’t Seen It… A retelling of the Star Wars Trilogy like you’ve never heard it before. [fwvvw id=2809991] Then hit the Back button to return and let us know which video was your favorite.   Related posts: A Week at the Gym

  • Decorating Differences Between the Sexes

    If ever there was an area in which guys and girls are different, it’s decorating! Women were born to decorate room after room after room in their houses and to talk about it incessantly with their girlfriends. Guys were born to pay for all the decorating the women want to do and to keep their mouths shut about it or at most murmur an occasional, “Yes, dear.” This tradition has been in place since the creation of men and women. Way back in the days of the cave men, the wife would go out and find just the right shade…

  • The Bagpiper

    As a bagpiper, I play many different gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and, being a typical man, I didn’t bother to stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently left, as the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they…

FEATURED WORLD EDITION

Recalculate

Oct 28, 2019

It’s true: one billion people are On Facebook day and night! Mark Zuckerberg keeps telling us His math is true and right. Now, I don’t doubt his numbers but I think I smell a rat. “There are,” my grandpa wisely said, “Two ways to skin a cat.” I think he meant the starting point Could be the nose and ears, Or, you could turn the cat around And start from his arrears! So, turning Facebook head to tail And counting from behind Illuminates the calculus With something new to find. It’s true! One billion people are On Facebook ’round the…

Journalism . . .

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: JOURNALISM “The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything. Except what is worth knowing. Journalism, conscious of this, and having tradesman-like habits, supplies their demands.” –Oscar Wilde “We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.” –Dave Barry “I…

Hairline Cracked

Oct 28, 2019

North Korea appeared to have conducted its third underground nuclear bomb test, as the U.S. Geological Survey reported a seismic disturbance centered near the site of the secretive regime’s two previous nuclear (pronounced “new-clear”) (not “nuke-ya-ler”) tests. The president of North Korea takes time out of his busy day of having people salute him and sing him songs of praise to show the state controlled press the very spot where the blast could be felt. North Korea, not well known in the world of sports for its number of pro basketball players (namely none), showed very little concern that the…

Countersuit

Oct 28, 2019

TAKEN TO THE CLEANERS NEWS: Roy L. Pearson Jr. wanted to dress sharply for his new job as an administrative law judge in Washington, D.C. So when his neighborhood dry cleaner misplaced a pair of expensive pants he had planned to wear his first week on the bench, Judge Pearson sued the owners for 67.3 million dollars. Fortunately, he lost. Let’s hope he loses his shirt in a countersuit. DRUGS & KIDS NEWS: Investigators in Gulfport, Florida arrested a 14-year-old boy who apparently dialed a really, really wrong number. Authorities said the boy offered to sell drugs to the person…

Joy of Parenting 2

Oct 28, 2019

This is a continuation of the joy of parenting. While a parent can’t watch over their children 100% of the  time, certain precautions can help prevent accidents in and around the house. At first glance, this infant appears to be far too young and small to open a refrigerator door, reach up to the egg holder and take out a carton containing what appears to be a dozen raw chicken embryos. One can only assume the caretaker of this adorable child recently returned from grocery shopping, retrieving a dozen eggs that were left within the tiny person’s reach. Perhaps a quick trip…

The Joy of Parenting

Oct 28, 2019

The Sedona Excentric World investigative team takes a look at joy of parenting. Now, more than ever, parents and grandparents are holding their children a little tighter, seeing them in a different light and  perhaps being more forgiving and understanding than in times past. Children, on the other hand, will continue to be children. It’s not their fault; they are, after all,  children. This young lass found her way to a bowl of loose chocolate, perhaps pudding. From the looks of things, it wasn’t that good. While she obviously sampled it, she chose to use the bulk of it for interior decorating and personal adornment.  Knowing that a child will find myriad uses for pudding, it is left…

Popcorn Drip

Oct 28, 2019

I went to see a movie at A Phoenix metroplex And found I am a dinosaur!— A “Cinesaurus  rex!” The first thing was the squishy seats!— Recliners with foot rests!— With infinite positions to Anesthetize the guests! The next thing was the menu with Martinis and Chablis, Roast suckling pig and quiche Lorraine And oven roasted brie! And, finally, the table that Swung underneath my chin! I wondered,  “Is this hospice with A movie screen and gin?” The waitress came to welcome me Installing the IV! “It’s liquid popcorn, sir,” she said. “With Medicare, it’s free!” http://www.excentricworld.com/wp-content/uploads/audio/popcorndrip.mp3map :: {skin:’gray’, animate:true,…

MORE Murphy’s Other Laws

Oct 28, 2019

1. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. 2. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. 3. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? 4. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population. 5. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 6. The things that come to those that wait may be the things…

Love for Valentines

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Never sign a valentine with your own name.” — Charles Dickens “‘The whole world loves a lover’ is an interesting theory, but a very bad legal defense.” — Keith Sullivan “Platonic love is like an inactive volcano.” — Andre Pevost “I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate–but looking for her is much more difficult…

Not Quite 12 Inches

Oct 28, 2019

INCH OFF NEWS: Subway restaurants lit up the social network after a teenager measured his “footlong” sandwich and found it an inch short. Photos of measured sandwiches attracted hundreds of thousands of comments when posted on Subway’s Facebook fan page. Subway reps said “Subway Footlong” was a registered trademark “as a descriptive name for the sub sold in Subway restaurants and not intended to be a measurement of length.” The original claim of 12 inches most likely came from a man. BANG, BANG NEWS: Guns and shell casings seized by Newark, NJ Police are being melted into bracelets. A portion of proceeds from each sale goes to…

Signs of Things to Come

Oct 28, 2019

Our Excentric World staff members take a look at the signs of things to come. Taking the lead from politicians who  refuse to compromise their ideological  blueprint stamped into their psyche from their limited education and experience, this doggie decided the best way to deal with the restrictions of regulations was to remove the obstacle preventing the sharing of opinions with colleagues.   Related posts: An Editorial from Excentric World The C C ‘n R’s

From the Back Pew . . .

May 12, 2016

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair…

Double DUI

May 12, 2016

DOUBLE DUI NEWS: Rhode Island State Police said a husband and wife both face charges of driving under the influence after they were stopped separately on the same night. A woman was stopped and detained for wreckless driving and then held after proving to be under the influence of alcohol. Her husband was arrested later for the same charge while driving to get her. POLYGAMY, ORIENTAL STYLE NEWS: Chinese authorities have arrested a legislator found to have four wives. A district official in the northern province of Shanxi said Li Junwen also had 10 children, and had been detained on…

New Winter Virus Alert!

May 12, 2016

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidotes known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to…

Curmudgeon Corner

May 12, 2016

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: MONEY “Laws go where dollars please.” Portugese Proverb “Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.” Spike Milligan “To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.” G. K. Chesterton “Money is like a sixth sense, and you can’t make use…

Cold is a Relative Thing

May 12, 2016

60 above zero: Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens. 50 above zero: Arizonans shiver uncontrollably. People in Duluth sunbathe. 40 above zero: Italian and English cars won’t start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down. 32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker. 20 above zero: Arizonans don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt. 15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold. Zero: People in Yuma all die. Minnesotans…

Bound to Celebrate the Holidays

May 12, 2016

The Excentric World investigative team takes a look at the holiday season celebrations around the globe. While conducting a series of interviews with some military high muck-a-muck at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, regarding prisoner participation during Christmas, this photo was captured. Terrorists and other detainees were subjected to caroling and wassailing, tree trimming, kissing under the mistletoe and taking turns portraying the baby Jesus during the prison Nativity Play. Taking the place of ox and ass were flamingo and iguana, native to naval base interrogation facility. Since the U.S. Justice Department advised that the Guantanamo Bay detention camp could be considered outside U.S. legal…

Refuting Climate Change

May 12, 2016

Excentric World staff members look at the controversy behind the scientific reports of climate change. Many who refuse to accept the data compiled by some of the foremost experts on past, present and future earthly meteorological conditions have cited the strange winter wonderland conditions around the nation’s capital to debunk climate forecasts. One example used by the naysayers was this photograph of a congressional staff member frozen in time while perusing the weather pages. Some politicos have attempted to produce climate change legislation, but have been given the cold shoulder.   Related posts: Economical Ways of Going Green Dirty Children…

New Year’s Vow

May 12, 2016

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality Last year my resolution was An altruistic stiff! My self-denial I truly thought Would save us from the cliff. I ate raw grains, tofu and leaves, Which, trust me, wasn’t fun, Believing that my sacrifice Would grow your 401! But, did I do a single thing To solve our fiscal pain? And, what was I contributing To economic economic gain? The answers are as clear as fat Upon my Christmas goose: I wasn’t adding anything!— In fact, my pants got loose! And, so, this year I do resolve From thinness to break free!—…

Senior Household Hints

May 12, 2016

Start a compost heap with that stuff in the bottom of the vegetable bin in your refrigerator. Patch holes in walls with leftover Thanksgiving stuffing. Save belly button lint and use it for stuffing teddy bears. Grout your kitchen and bathroom tile with cake frosting. Fix-A-Dent can also be used to fill cracks in furniture. Catnip can double as an aphrodisiac. Clean family heirloom china with salt and white vinegar. Then sell the junk and take a vacation. Drive roaches away by sprinkling that cheap wine your friends bring over around the baseboards. Hair spray and a lighter can be…

Yes, I’m a Senior Citizen

May 12, 2016

I’m the life of the party… even if it lasts until 8 p.m. I’m very good at opening childproof caps… with a hammer. I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying. I’m very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over… I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine. I’m so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental…

Superstitions

May 12, 2016

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.” — Martin Luther “The opinion prevailed among advanced minds that it was time that belief should be replaced increasingly by knowledge; belief that did not itself rest on knowledge was superstition, and as such had to be opposed.” — Albert Einstein “Life is either a daring adventure or…

3,000 Year Old Scribbling

May 12, 2016

HISTORIC LITERARY NEWS: Experts believe the oldest form of writing has been discovered on a tablet in Mexico. Tests show the writing to be over 3,000 years old. After months of studying the scribbling, it is believed that the tablet was carried around by a nomadic hitchhiker and the scrolled message states “America or Bust.” HUNTING NEWS: A South Dakota man was sentenced to two years of probation for chopper-chasing a herd of deer in a Nebraska national forest. Some deer feel the sentence was too light and want the man’s head mounted on a tree. NUDITY NEWS: Police went…

Texting While Driving

May 12, 2016

Excentric World staff members take a look at texting while driving in the United States. While some states have passed common sense laws prohibiting the use of hand held devices altogether, others are holding fast to their Libertarian spirit and allowing auto accident statistics to reach the level of those that are alcohol related. But hey, who’s counting?   Related posts: Dumb Driver Dilemma Accessories for the Designated Driver Safety on America’s Highways Reaction to Selective Shopping

Lesser Known January Holidays

May 12, 2016

January 1 is First Foot Day and Z Day January 2 is Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day January 3 is Festival of Sleep Day January 4 is Trivia Day and Humiliation Day January 5 is Bird Day January 6 is Bean Day January 7 is Old Rock Day January 8 is National Joy Germ Day and Man Watcher’s Day January 9 is Play God Day January 10 is Peculiar People Day January 11 is National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day January 12 is Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day January…

Astrology for the Weak

Horoscopes for April 28-May 4, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) April/May is a good time for a career change. CEO of any business should guarantee a huge salary, bonus, perks and put you in a cushy off-shore tax bracket. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will discover you have an affinity for small, furry things. Due to your extreme display of affection, it would be best to start out with inanimate objects. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will run into someone from your distant past. After they fully recover from their injuries and pay their hospital bills, you can try to catch…

Xtra Special Horoscopes for April 21-28, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, you are able to do a million things at once. While that truly is a very rare skill, indeed, there is no indication you will perform any of these tasks well. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are fun. You are bright. You are fun and bright. You are quick. You are enthusiastic. You are quick and enthusiastic. You are confused. You are Aquarius. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This is a good time to figure out who you are by putting yourself in new situations and see how you…

Horoscopes for April 14-20, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) April showers bring May flowers, but in your case April will also bring long mental lapses, during which things will occur that you can deny any memory of. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This is a good time to show everyone how to celebrate Easter. Place the eggs in plain sight to avoid children on spring break picking up any bunny droppings. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month you will decide to change careers. Of course, some may not consider volunteering to walk the Humane Society of Sedona dogs a career. CANCER…

Horoscopes for April 7-13, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will have unwanted guests this month that just refuse to go away. Only as an absolute last resort should you secretly rub them down with Preparation H. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This would be a good month to pursue your musical dreams. After guitar, drums, keyboards and sax, you’ll find your hidden talent for mastering the concertina. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Out with the old and in with the new. That will be your mantra this month as all of your old friends leave you in the lurch for trying…

Horoscopes for March 31-April 6, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you will consider voluntarily seeking professional mental therapy. After some serious thought, an invisible giant rabbit convinces you otherwise. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll have a bad time with friends and relatives after getting a fortune cookie that you thought said “you’re rude today” and you mistreat everyone for 24 hours. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will need to avoid the sun, especially with this global climate change thing. You will overhear some people talking as you walk by, calling you an old raisin. CANCER (June 21 – July…

Horoscopes for March 17-23, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) A revelation about energy will come to you this month after you keep pressing harder and harder on the remote control when the batteries are getting weak. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll buy a new pair of jeans and tennis shoes to go bungee jumping. Later you’ll discover that was like Kamikaze pilots wearing helmets before their big day. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will have a sudden urge to drive to Surprise, Arizona this month. Once you arrive, you’ll find there is absolutely nothing there to do. Surprise! CANCER (June…

Horoscopes for March 10-16, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) March is a good month for you to buy binoculars and join the Audubon Society. It will also be a good month to invest in some new headgear and lens cleaner. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Pay attention to your surroundings this month and learn more about yourself. If small animals are scattering when you pass, your cologne may be a bit strong. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month you will get yourself out of a jam and find you are well preserved. It’s dealing with jelly that will cause you serious…

Horoscopes for March 3-9, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You won’t be able to shake the phrase “Don’t put that in your moth, you don’t know where it’s been.” You will be diagnosed with a new, rare form of anorexia. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You won’t be able to sleep, fearing the Ides of March. Because of your insomnia, you’ll screw up at work and lose your job, oh, right around the 15th or so. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will meet a person this month that gives you a strong feeling of deja vu. It will turn out that…