September 24, 2020

  • First Family To Go To Moon Soon … by Blodwyn Smythe

    With just days before Halloween, a month before Thanksgiving, yet still another month to go before revelers get to shout, “Merry Christmas,” becuase Americans know that wishing people “Happy Holidays” or “Peace on Earth, Good Will To Men” is totally unacceptable in the new Trumpian World, formerly the United States of America, scuttlebut is leaking from the White House that the Trumps are planning an extended vacation out of this world – the likes of which no one has ever witnessed. Someone was even rumored to have been concked on the head for writing, “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” on…

  • Wine by the Numbers

    Have you ever tasted a 100 point wine? More importantly, would you care if you did? I’ve worked off and on in customer service and sales in the wine business, and the value that many customers place on scores given to wines by various critics is always a point of curiosity to me. Customers routinely ask how many points a wine scored, and there are those that refuse to buy anything that scored below a 90. Ask yourself though, what do these scores really mean? Let’s examine the world of wine reviews and give you some of the positives and…

  • Dominican Republic Driver’s License Written Test

    As much as we complain about traffic, insane other drivers and road conditions, while vacationing in the Dominican Republic recently, I realize just how good we have it in the USA. My first impression was how terrible the drivers are there–but then I realized that it was exactly the opposite. The bad ones were all dead and the ones I was seeing were good enough to survive. There are about 30 motorcycles to every car on the island, and they all are little 100cc putt-putts or scooters. They zip in and out of traffic; the biggest vehicle has the right…

  • Hurry! It’s On Sale!

    Advertisers must think we’re really stupid. Have you paid any attention to what the ads on TV and radio are saying? If you’re like me, the commercial breaks go in one ear and out the other. The only way something sticks in my brain is because it’s repeated ten million times (which is why you hear the same ad played until you puke) or if there’s something unique about the way it is presented. Victoria’s Secret TV ads come to mind. I remember them–frequently. Lately in a period of vast boredom, I decided to actually LISTEN to some of the…

  • Getting There Is Half the Fun

    “Getting there is half the fun.” That’s what Dad always used to say back in the days when visiting Grandma and Grandpa was a full day trip by car. Remembering that when I’m about to embark on yet another epic journey seems to dull the dread of modern travel. A recent trip to the Dominican Republic gave new meaning to “half the fun.” Our first flight was scheduled to leave Phoenix at 10:45 PM, so we arrived at the airport our obligatory two hours before departure only to find that our flight was delayed until 12:08 AM. We passed the…

FEATURED WORLD EDITION

On Marriage

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.” — Duane Dewel “In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.” — Helen Rowland “Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” — Jackie Mason “Marriage is like putting your hand into a…

Every Vote Was Counted

Oct 28, 2019

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real state agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the North?” When another person explained that the sun rises in the East (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.” And then she voted! I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I…

Biggest Task in America

Oct 28, 2019

ECONOMIC RECOVERY NEWS: Economists say that when the dollar is weak, meaning it’s losing value compared to other currencies, one benefit is that more American products can be sold overseas. Now, the biggest task for American manufacturers is to find a way to sell more products in America. EDUCATION NEWS: The latest trend in modern education is tutoring 2 and 3-year-olds for preschool. Next will come surrogate potty training followed by substitute breast feeding. END OF THE WORLD NEWS: According to Harvard University scientists, a dying star lurking dangerously close to Earth is on the brink of exploding into a…

Lesser Known November Holidays

Oct 28, 2019

November 1. . .Plan Your Epitaph Day November 2. . .National Deviled Egg Day November 3. . .Sandwich Day and Housewife’s Day November 4. . .Waiting For The Barbarians Day November 5. . .Gunpowder Day November 6. . . Saxophone Day and Marooned Without A Compass Day November 7. . . National Bittersweet Chocolate With Almonds Day November 8. . . Dunce Day November 9. . . Chaos Never Dies Day November 10 . . Forget-Me-Not Day November 11 . . Air Day November 12 . . National Pizza With The Works Except Anchovies Day November 13 . . National…

New Toys

Oct 28, 2019

While the toy recalls mount through the ceiling, Sending outsourcing importers reeling, And Barbie’s lead paint Causes Elmo to faint, While the Easy Bake Oven is peeling, There’s an old fashioned movement re-starting, Causing Wal-Mart and Cosco some smarting, ‘Cuz without Einstein Blocks To stuff in kids’ socks, Toys R Us, from their profits, is parting. They are words often spoken by mothers, And repeated by grandmas and others, Fisher Price is appalled ‘Cuz they can’t be recalled: “Just go play with your sisters and brothers!” Related posts: Ask Kids about Mom and Dad On Board Computers The Sun Mystery

The Sport of Torero Goring

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members take a look at the sport of Torero Goring. The rules of this new sport include a brightly dressed human armed with a cape and a sword. Thrust into an arena, the human’s goal will be to tease a large, agitated bull with the cape and, after a number of passes and close calls to the cheering and jeering of the stadium audience, the matador stabs the bull for no apparent reason other than to kill him. If he misses the spot aimed to disable the bull, the bull is finally able to use tools given…

The Universe

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man does not have to experience it.” — Max Frisch “The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.” — Kilgore Trout “I’m astounded by people who want to know the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.” — Woody Allen “In the beginning,…

Sex Equals Happiness

Oct 28, 2019

JOB SATISFACTION NEWS: According to scientists in England, leaders in the field of “happiness economics,” increasing sex frequency in marriage from once a month to weekly provides as much happiness as a $50,000 a year raise. Also, a lasting marriage is the equivalent of $100,000 annually. So, if you spend too much time at the office trying to get a raise, you’re better off leaving early and doing business with your spouse. STATISTICAL NEWS: A new study shows that about 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot, with a margin of error of around + or –…

Lesser Known October Holidays

Oct 28, 2019

October 1 is World Vegetarian Day and Magic Circles Day October 2 is Name Your Car Day October 3 is Virus Appreciation Day, Techies Day October 4 is National Golf Day October 5 is National Storytelling Festival, Do Something Nice Day October 6 is German-American Day, Come and Take It Day October 7 is National Frappe Day, National Frugal Fun Day October 8 is American Tag Day October 9 is Moldy Cheese Day, Curious Events Day October 10 is National Angel Food Cake Day October 11 is It’s My Party Day October 12 is International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day…

Homeward Drowned

Oct 28, 2019

They say that you cannot go home— You never can go back! I’m here to take exception, and Encourage you to pack Your grip, and quit your worthless job, And terminate your lease, And drag your furniture outdoors, And burn it, piece by piece, And call the Postal Service, and Exterminate your mail, And cancel all your credit cards, And don’t forget to fail To call the county coroner, And tell him that you’re dead, But not to pick your carcass up— You’re going home, instead! And, when your bus pulls into town, Prepare to be bereft: Because, in twenty…

Laughter

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.” — Carl Sagan “Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than…

Wife Carrying Champion

Oct 28, 2019

SPORTING NEWS: John Farra, a former Olympic skier, won the North American Wife Carrying Championship at Sunday River, Maine last month. His first-place finish earned him and his 110-pound wife Tess her weight in beer and five times her weight in cash, or $550. Sedona considered such an event, but found no man who could lift his wife, never mind carry her. MORE SPORTING NEWS: A 62-year-old retired accountant from Nevada swallowed 247 peppers in eight minutes to win the Jalapeno Eating World Championship at the State Fair of Texas in Dallas. Richard LeFevre won $2,000 for prevailing in the…

Lesser Known September Holidays

Oct 28, 2019

September 1 is … Emma M. Nutt Day September 2 is … National Beheading Day September 3 is … Skyscraper Day September 4 is … Newspaper Carrier Day September 5 is … Be Late For Something Day September 6 is … Fight Procrastination Day September 7 is … Neither Rain Nor Snow Day September 8 is … National Date Nut Bread Day and Pardon Day September 9 is … Teddy Bear Day September 10 is … Swap Ideas Day September 11 is … No News Is Good News Day September 12 is … National Pet Memorial Day/ Chocolate Milkshake Day September 13 is … Defy Superstition Day September 14 is … National Cream-filled Donut…

Terrorism Creativity

Oct 28, 2019

TERRORISM CREATIVITY NEWS: The chairman of the Judiciary subcommittee on terrorism, technology and homeland security, said that terrorists could unleash electromagnetic bombs that would damage our vital electrical systems. He warned that an e-bomb attack could devastate the nation. This warning will create a nation of chaos with massive panic among Americans unless they realize that terrorists can’t create imaginary weapons as fast as we can create imaginary defenses against them. EDUCATION NEWS: Students at an Ivy League university were asked to write an essay that contained four subjects: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The student who got an A+ wrote…

Laser Achievement

Oct 28, 2019

NUCLEAR DEFENSE NEWS: The U.S. Air Force has tested an infrared chemical laser meant to shoot down launch-phase enemy missiles from a modified 747 airliner. The test wasn’t airborne; it was in a hangar at Edwards Air Force Base, and it didn’t actually shoot anything down, but one of the contractors said it was an exceptional achievement. The project has been in progress since before 1988 when Dr. Angelo Codevilla, a staff member of the U.S. Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, declared the chemical laser ready to deploy. BANK ROBBERY NEWS: Thieves responsible for the $42 million heist in Belfast,…

On Age

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.” — Jean Kerr “The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.” — H. L. Mencken “We are always the same age inside.” — Gertrude Stein “It’s not catastrophes,…

Raising the Retirement Age

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members look at the potential results of raising the retirement age. Not only are businesses not hiring new college graduates, but seniors who don’t qualify for a gig at Wal-Mart or McDonald’s are left to their imaginations. This octogenarian (Billy) who once swung in a swing band gathered instruments from garage sales and hit the streets, performing songs from better times. Born during the Great Depression, he recalled his parents working up to their retirement years. With everyone living longer, he was forced to supplement his Social Security to pay for his parents’ nursing home bills. Billy’s…

Intelligence and Intellect

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn’t.” — Emerson M. Pugh “Character is higher than intellect. A great soul will be strong to live as well as think.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson “We’ve all met people who are supposedly incredibly intelligent but don’t know which way…

Ask Kids about Mom and Dad

Oct 28, 2019

Why did God make mothers? 1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my mom the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and…

Side Effects

Oct 28, 2019

PRESCRIPTION NEWS: People suffering from chronic headaches, nausea, diarrhea, gas or dizziness may finally find relief in a medical cure-all. The only drawbacks of the new pill, available only by prescription, are the side effects: headaches, nausea, diarrhea, gas or dizziness. LAW ENFORCEMENT NEWS: A thirty-year-old Arizona lottery winner has been convicted of a felony and sentenced to 10 years in state prison or 1 day a week for 70 years. ENTREPRENEURIAL NEWS: Due to the fact that their machines only accept quarters, coin-operated laundries, car washes and amusement devices in Utah were forced to raise prices from $1.25 to…

On Wisdom

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj?un), n. [origin unknown]  1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man.  2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend.” — Zenna Schaffer “How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.” — Steve Martin “Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.” — Steven Wright…

Cheeky Creations

Oct 28, 2019

CRACK NEWS: Outside of class and under an alter ego, the self-proclaimed artist, Stephen Murmer, a fun, popular art teacher, creates floral and abstract art by plastering his posterior and genitals with paint and pressing them against canvas. His cheeky creations sell for hundreds of dollars. This has not gone over well with Chesterfield County school officials, who placed him on administrative leave from his job in Richmond, VA. Monacan High could soon be the butt of many jokes. SPACE NEWS: Using a gold-plated 6-iron, Russian cosmonaut Mikhail Tyurin hit a golf ball into orbit from a platform on the…

Lesser Known August Holidays

Oct 28, 2019

August 1 . . . Friendship Day and National Raspberry Cream Pie Day August 2 . . . National Ice Cream Sandwich Day August 3 . . . National Watermelon Day August 4 . . . Twins Day Festival August 5 . . . National Mustard Day August 6 . . . Wiggle Your Toes Day August 7 . . . Sea Serpent Day August 8 . . . Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night August 9 . . . National Polka Festival August 10. . . Lazy Day August 11. . . Presidential Joke Day August 12….

Calling All Richards

Oct 28, 2019

The difficulties of this world Are big and bad and mean, And charged with such uncertainties To make solutions lean. But, if you would indulge, per chance, This simple minded cuss, There’s overwhelming evidence The problem is named, “Us.” There’s way too many of us all Including me and you And, barring wars and meteors, The answers are too few. There’s way too many Lindsays and There’s way too many Dawns, There’s way too many Trevors and There’s way too many Seans. There’s way too many Meagans And there’s way to many Ricks. There’s never enough Richards cuz There’s way…

Best Actual Headlines

Oct 28, 2019

Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in…

Astrology for the Weak

Horoscopes for May 11-17, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You might want to avoid rushing into any big financial deals. Of course, not having any money, poor credit and a shaky job may play into your decisions. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Let your creativity run wild this May and you might just make a couple of new friends along the way. Your sane friends will likely abandon you in a heartbeat. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Misplaced keys? Can’t find your glasses? No idea where your favorite shirt is hiding? It could seem things are topsy-turvy. Or, you could be…

Horoscopes for May 4-10, 2014

ARIES (April 21 – April 19) A Full Moon in Scorpio this month makes life more passionate and intense, especially where your love life is concerned. Now if you can just find a willing mate. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Mercury and Venus will be in Taurus for most of the month, emphasizing friendships and loving communication. Try to keep the friends and loving separate. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, the planets transiting in some other planet will help you work hard to achieve your goals. Fortunately, your goals mostly involve barbecue and beer. CANCER (June 21…

Horoscopes for April 27-May 3, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Don’t dwell on obstacles this month. Organize a picnic or a hostile takeover. Better yet, do both. Occupy a park and dominate the neighbors, ants and squirrels. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will find yourself needing to allow some space for natural growth and evolution. You may have to add a couple of notches to your belt or switch to sweats. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Be sure not to stick ideas you come up with this month in the bottom drawer of your desk and forget them, or they’ll be…

Horoscopes for April 13-19, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Get out there and workout in April. Otherwise, your joints, brain, lungs and heart will start complaining. Remember to shower or everyone around will complain. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Contort yourself into whatever pretzels you comfortably can manage, and you’ll emerge suppler and more successful. You’ll also go great with brown mustard. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your innate sensitivity to what’s happening around you plays a huge role in how you navigate tricky situations. Running, ducking, hiding, lying – all innate. ARIES (April 18 – May 13) You’ll be in…

Horoscopes for March 30-April 5, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Early this month, your brain is extremely active and it’s making you very productive and ambitious. Don’t panic, you’ll be back to addled in no time at all. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will find yourself feeling like a surfer navigating waves of emotion. Then it happens – wipe-out! Your emotional house goes under water. File for bankruptcy. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You may sense a person in a position of authority is subtly flirting with you. Then again, you have been adding a lot of leafy greens to your diet. Toothpick? ARIES (April…

Horoscopes for March 16-22, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) A bunch of planets move through Pluto, influencing you to expand your view of the world and your place in it. Unfortunately, you will also expand your waistline. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) The celestial atmosphere encourages you to actively pursue someone altogether eligible. That’s good, because you usually pursue those altogether ineligible. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You usually think you’re right, but you can be wrong, of course. Much like this astrological forecast. The month of March will the best of your entire life. Or not. ARIES (April 18 –…

Horoscopes for March 9-15, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Mars quincunx Pluto and Saturn squares Pluto, bringing some tension to the areas of your chart of finances. Since Pluto is officially no longer a planet, no biggee. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) In March, it may seem the world is moving too quickly for you and you may secretly have to make concessions. You just might bring honor back to fast food. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) By nature, relationships cause new feelings and sometimes present challenges in understanding. This month you’ll try to understand why you have no relationship. CANCER (June…

Horoscopes for March 2-8, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month you will embark on a journey to discover your inner self. A wrong turn down the trail and you’ll find yourself in the middle of a spiritual safari gone awry. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll have flashbacks of someone in authority saying that you will rue the day. You didn’t know what they meant, but in March, you will rue at least one day. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will discover a hitherto unknown talent for finding odoriferous elements in everyday life. You’ll eventually quit your job at the…