September 18, 2021

  • First Family To Go To Moon Soon … by Blodwyn Smythe

    With just days before Halloween, a month before Thanksgiving, yet still another month to go before revelers get to shout, “Merry Christmas,” becuase Americans know that wishing people “Happy Holidays” or “Peace on Earth, Good Will To Men” is totally unacceptable in the new Trumpian World, formerly the United States of America, scuttlebut is leaking from the White House that the Trumps are planning an extended vacation out of this world – the likes of which no one has ever witnessed. Someone was even rumored to have been concked on the head for writing, “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” on…

  • Are Men Really Listening? Probably Not!

    While some men certainly have come a long way in the area of women’s issues, there evidently is still a lot of room for improvement. Take this refrigerator door posting as an example. After his wife had awakened early to get the children off to school after feeding them breakfast and preparing their lunches, she kissed him goodbye, handing him his coffee and newspaper as she headed off to her full-time job. Then the home phone rang. His wife had given her doctor’s office their home phone number to avoid a call while at work on her cell phone. After…

  • Lesser Known April Holidays

    April 2nd is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day! April 1 is . . . One Cent Day April 2 is . . . National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day April 3 is . . . Tweed Day and Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day April 4 is . . . Tell-A-Lie Day April 5 is . . . Go For Broke Day April 6 is . . . Sorry Charlie Day April 7 is . . . No Housework Day April 8 is . . . All Is Ours Day April 9 is . . . Winston…

  • 4 Booze Myths Demythstified

    I’ve been dealing quite a bit with the public lately in regards to booze, and it surprises me how much the incorrect myths regarding beverages become entrenched in the minds of people. I wanted to set the record straight on a few things to better educate the readers who enjoy a tasty glass of EtOH (that’s the common chemical abbreviation for ethanol). Myth #1 – The Sulfite-Free Wine The first myth that needs dispelling is sulfites in wine. There is no such thing as sulfite free wine. All fermented beverages will have at least some amount of trace sulfites as they’re…

  • Drive-thru Donut Dilemma

    It was my turn to bring donuts to work, so I made a detour to the donut shop. Because it was a little after 5 AM, I was not surprised when I saw only one car in the parking lot. The lights were on inside the building, but no customers and only one employee behind the counter. “Great,” I thought, “no line.” I tried the door and found it locked. No problem, I went down a little way, and tried the other door. It was locked, too. Confused, I looked at the woman inside, and she waved her arm around…

FEATURED WORLD EDITION

From the Back Pew . . .

Oct 28, 2019

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair…

Double DUI

Oct 28, 2019

DOUBLE DUI NEWS: Rhode Island State Police said a husband and wife both face charges of driving under the influence after they were stopped separately on the same night. A woman was stopped and detained for wreckless driving and then held after proving to be under the influence of alcohol. Her husband was arrested later for the same charge while driving to get her. POLYGAMY, ORIENTAL STYLE NEWS: Chinese authorities have arrested a legislator found to have four wives. A district official in the northern province of Shanxi said Li Junwen also had 10 children, and had been detained on…

New Winter Virus Alert!

Oct 28, 2019

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidotes known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to…

Curmudgeon Corner

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: MONEY “Laws go where dollars please.” Portugese Proverb “Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.” Spike Milligan “To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.” G. K. Chesterton “Money is like a sixth sense, and you can’t make use…

Cold is a Relative Thing

Oct 28, 2019

60 above zero: Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens. 50 above zero: Arizonans shiver uncontrollably. People in Duluth sunbathe. 40 above zero: Italian and English cars won’t start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down. 32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker. 20 above zero: Arizonans don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt. 15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold. Zero: People in Yuma all die. Minnesotans…

Bound to Celebrate the Holidays

Oct 28, 2019

The Excentric World investigative team takes a look at the holiday season celebrations around the globe. While conducting a series of interviews with some military high muck-a-muck at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, regarding prisoner participation during Christmas, this photo was captured. Terrorists and other detainees were subjected to caroling and wassailing, tree trimming, kissing under the mistletoe and taking turns portraying the baby Jesus during the prison Nativity Play. Taking the place of ox and ass were flamingo and iguana, native to naval base interrogation facility. Since the U.S. Justice Department advised that the Guantanamo Bay detention camp could be considered outside U.S. legal…

Refuting Climate Change

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members look at the controversy behind the scientific reports of climate change. Many who refuse to accept the data compiled by some of the foremost experts on past, present and future earthly meteorological conditions have cited the strange winter wonderland conditions around the nation’s capital to debunk climate forecasts. One example used by the naysayers was this photograph of a congressional staff member frozen in time while perusing the weather pages. Some politicos have attempted to produce climate change legislation, but have been given the cold shoulder.   Related posts: Economical Ways of Going Green Dirty Children…

New Year’s Vow

Oct 28, 2019

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality Last year my resolution was An altruistic stiff! My self-denial I truly thought Would save us from the cliff. I ate raw grains, tofu and leaves, Which, trust me, wasn’t fun, Believing that my sacrifice Would grow your 401! But, did I do a single thing To solve our fiscal pain? And, what was I contributing To economic economic gain? The answers are as clear as fat Upon my Christmas goose: I wasn’t adding anything!— In fact, my pants got loose! And, so, this year I do resolve From thinness to break free!—…

Senior Household Hints

Oct 28, 2019

Start a compost heap with that stuff in the bottom of the vegetable bin in your refrigerator. Patch holes in walls with leftover Thanksgiving stuffing. Save belly button lint and use it for stuffing teddy bears. Grout your kitchen and bathroom tile with cake frosting. Fix-A-Dent can also be used to fill cracks in furniture. Catnip can double as an aphrodisiac. Clean family heirloom china with salt and white vinegar. Then sell the junk and take a vacation. Drive roaches away by sprinkling that cheap wine your friends bring over around the baseboards. Hair spray and a lighter can be…

Yes, I’m a Senior Citizen

Oct 28, 2019

I’m the life of the party… even if it lasts until 8 p.m. I’m very good at opening childproof caps… with a hammer. I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying. I’m very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over… I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine. I’m so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental…

Superstitions

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.” — Martin Luther “The opinion prevailed among advanced minds that it was time that belief should be replaced increasingly by knowledge; belief that did not itself rest on knowledge was superstition, and as such had to be opposed.” — Albert Einstein “Life is either a daring adventure or…

3,000 Year Old Scribbling

Oct 28, 2019

HISTORIC LITERARY NEWS: Experts believe the oldest form of writing has been discovered on a tablet in Mexico. Tests show the writing to be over 3,000 years old. After months of studying the scribbling, it is believed that the tablet was carried around by a nomadic hitchhiker and the scrolled message states “America or Bust.” HUNTING NEWS: A South Dakota man was sentenced to two years of probation for chopper-chasing a herd of deer in a Nebraska national forest. Some deer feel the sentence was too light and want the man’s head mounted on a tree. NUDITY NEWS: Police went…

Texting While Driving

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members take a look at texting while driving in the United States. While some states have passed common sense laws prohibiting the use of hand held devices altogether, others are holding fast to their Libertarian spirit and allowing auto accident statistics to reach the level of those that are alcohol related. But hey, who’s counting?   Related posts: Dumb Driver Dilemma Accessories for the Designated Driver Safety on America’s Highways Reaction to Selective Shopping

Lesser Known January Holidays

Oct 28, 2019

January 1 is First Foot Day and Z Day January 2 is Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day January 3 is Festival of Sleep Day January 4 is Trivia Day and Humiliation Day January 5 is Bird Day January 6 is Bean Day January 7 is Old Rock Day January 8 is National Joy Germ Day and Man Watcher’s Day January 9 is Play God Day January 10 is Peculiar People Day January 11 is National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day January 12 is Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day January…

Kissing

Oct 28, 2019

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: KISSING “A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.” Ingrid Bergman “Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.” Albert Einstein “Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.”…

The 12 Sure Cures With Vodka . . .

Oct 28, 2019

To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew. To clean eyeglasses, wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade…

Getting in Better Shape

Oct 28, 2019

The Excentric World staff looks at the number one New Year’s Resolution: getting in better shape. Fitness centers are cropping up in every city to keep up with the desire to bulk up and slim down. Fueling even more interest in Americans maintaining a healthy weight and body mass is the threat by health insurance companies to punish the obese, or reward the thin, depending on your mirror’s point of view. With the glut of high calorie foods that are associated with the holiday season and the sedentary lifestyle brought on by colder weather, Americans tend to gain more weight from…

Reaction to Selective Shopping

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World staff members look at the reaction to selective shopping over the holiday season. Children across the United States woke up Christmas Day to far fewer presents than they had received in the past. Gone are the days of rampant holiday spending to fill a room with gifts, wrapped in brightly colored paper with exquisite bows and ribbons. Christmas was marked by rooms with scant packages rolled up in tissues paper, sans the cellophane, identified with markers instead of name tags. While some retailers suffered once again this holiday season, alcohol sales were being tallied at record numbers. Cheers!…

Regifting Unwanted Goodies

Oct 28, 2019

Coming in this January’s issue, our staff members take a look at the art of regifting. Many people rush to tear open their neatly wrapped gifts from under the Christmas tree on the morning after Santa’s slide down the chimney or slithering under an unlocked window, only to be disappointed by a strange gift. The thought of exchanging the gift or giving it to someone else immediately comes to mind, with a “Thanks, Grandma.”   Related posts: Why You Should Vote . . . Horoscopes for December 30, 2012-January 5, 2013 Refuting Climate Change

The True Meaning of Love

Oct 28, 2019

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” – Rebecca, age 8 “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” – Billy,  age 4 “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” – Chrissy,  age 6 “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” –…

The Acting Jerk

Oct 28, 2019

“Just be yourself,” my woman cried, “Stop acting like a jerk!” She threw her dishes in the sink, And strutted off to work. I put a load of laundry in, And swept the kitchen floor; I gathered up my thoughts, and then Addressed them to the door: “My dear, it seems to me you’ve missed The essence of the plot: There is no question whether I’m An acting jerk, or not; “My jerkness is as close to me As skin is to a grape, As stripes to watermelon, or As Scotch is to its tape; “I’m ugly, short, and stupid,…

New Workout Plan

Oct 28, 2019

I have found this to be a wonderful work out plan for those of us over 45. This is for older people. Younger people try it at your own risk. This is working well for me. For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen. Three days a week works well. Begin by standing straight, with a 5-lb potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can–try to reach…

Deck the Decking with Beer Can Bottoms

Oct 28, 2019

Excentric World takes a big picture look at the joy of celebrating the holidays with elaborate decorations as seen from the eye of a beer lover. Everywhere, Christmas is a special time–a remembrance of the nativity and the reason behind the giving of gifts, a gathering of family, friends and neighbors wishing each other good tidings. This is a time for wassailing and spiked eggnog. But, for the children, it is a time for sugar plum fairies dancing in their heads in anticipation of the big night when Santa arrives with the special gifts they have written about. These gifts are…

Christmas Conspiracy

Oct 28, 2019

The scheme forged by Obama and Monsanto, months ago, Was carpet bombing cities with A chemical, aglow, To wash away all prudence so We’d spend like drunken thieves And lift up the economy So everyone believes That old Saint Nick is flush with cash And Christmas woes are gone, Our common sense all modified Like grasses in our lawn, So all of our resistance to The lure of Yuletide shelves Would disappear like magic and We’d spend like eggnogged elves And celebrate Black Friday as Though prudence never lurked (Forgetting that election day Was solid proof it worked)! Related posts:…

On the Refrigerator Door

Oct 28, 2019

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am…

Astrology for the Weak

Horoscopes for March 31-April 6, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you will consider voluntarily seeking professional mental therapy. After some serious thought, an invisible giant rabbit convinces you otherwise. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll have a bad time with friends and relatives after getting a fortune cookie that you thought said “you’re rude today” and you mistreat everyone for 24 hours. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will need to avoid the sun, especially with this global climate change thing. You will overhear some people talking as you walk by, calling you an old raisin. CANCER (June 21 – July…

Horoscopes for March 17-23, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) A revelation about energy will come to you this month after you keep pressing harder and harder on the remote control when the batteries are getting weak. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll buy a new pair of jeans and tennis shoes to go bungee jumping. Later you’ll discover that was like Kamikaze pilots wearing helmets before their big day. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will have a sudden urge to drive to Surprise, Arizona this month. Once you arrive, you’ll find there is absolutely nothing there to do. Surprise! CANCER (June…

Horoscopes for March 10-16, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) March is a good month for you to buy binoculars and join the Audubon Society. It will also be a good month to invest in some new headgear and lens cleaner. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Pay attention to your surroundings this month and learn more about yourself. If small animals are scattering when you pass, your cologne may be a bit strong. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month you will get yourself out of a jam and find you are well preserved. It’s dealing with jelly that will cause you serious…

Horoscopes for March 3-9, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You won’t be able to shake the phrase “Don’t put that in your moth, you don’t know where it’s been.” You will be diagnosed with a new, rare form of anorexia. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You won’t be able to sleep, fearing the Ides of March. Because of your insomnia, you’ll screw up at work and lose your job, oh, right around the 15th or so. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will meet a person this month that gives you a strong feeling of deja vu. It will turn out that…

Horoscopes for February 24-March 1, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, you’ll discover you may be too structured and rigid to let go and find pleasure in romance. Try some good Tequila, chocolate and a Barry White CD. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You may experience tension with family members, particularly a parent. In hind sight, perhaps moving back home at age 40 wasn’t such a good idea after all. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) In February, you can expect to feel confidence, optimism, and an increase in energy and vitality. It’s okay, it will all go away soon and life…

Horoscopes for February 17-23, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) What used to seem like an outrageous idea to you will start to seem rather reasonable this month. Wearing stripes with plaid is your new fashion statement. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You’re one cuddly bundle of very cute energy this month. It’s Valentine’s month. Just remember to wait for the appropriate time to unleash that energy, cutie pie. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You should share your open-mindedness and new point of view with someone who thinks the way you think. Be patient, it’s slim pickin’s for those types. ARIES (April 18 –…

Horoscopes for February 10-16, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) A Valentine’s Full Moon in Leo shines on the Fifth House of romance and heats up the retrograde Mars. The Fourth House will freak and all Hell breaks loose. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) A Saturn challenge to Pluto could really mess things up in February. It will be up to you to secure a Donkey Kong victory for Pluto, even if it no longer is a planet. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Emphasis shifts from your Eighth House to your Ninth this week. You should feel lighter and happier. Evidently, there’s less…

Horoscopes for February 3-9, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month you’ll express your love for a musical instrument. Unfortunately, for friends and neighbors, your choice of instrument is the Diatonic button accordion. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will be pleasantly surprised when you buy a Babushka doll at a garage sale, and later discover another doll inside, and another and another and another. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will suffer a fit of extreme paranoia in the dentist’s chair after realizing you wore different colored socks. Your dentist is laughing at you under that mask. CANCER (June 21 –…