September 18, 2018

Horoscopes for March 9-15, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Mars quincunx Pluto and Saturn squares Pluto, bringing some tension to the areas of your chart of finances. Since Pluto is officially no longer a planet, no biggee. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) In March, it may seem the world is moving too quickly for you and you may secretly have to make concessions. You just might bring honor back to fast food. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) By nature, relationships cause new feelings and sometimes present challenges in understanding. This month you’ll try to understand why you have no relationship. CANCER (June…

Horoscopes for March 2-8, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month you will embark on a journey to discover your inner self. A wrong turn down the trail and you’ll find yourself in the middle of a spiritual safari gone awry. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll have flashbacks of someone in authority saying that you will rue the day. You didn’t know what they meant, but in March, you will rue at least one day. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will discover a hitherto unknown talent for finding odoriferous elements in everyday life. You’ll eventually quit your job at the…

Horoscopes for February 23-March 1, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) February is emotional and weird which, means your family is involved. Bring your friends into the mix and you can add strange and border line illegal. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You start the month off on the right foot, with a deep sense of what you want. But you’re not thinking – you’re left footed. No Dancing With The Stars for you. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You’ll be dreaming big and setting the tone for the weeks to come. You’ll be radiant. You’ll be impressive. You’ll brighten the lives of…

Horoscopes for February 9-15, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) A cut lip will reveal a secret you have been able to keep for years. Someone will recognize the position of the cut on the lip smear on your Valentine’s Day card. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) The good news is you’ll finally get a job. The bad news is you’ll have to wear a dorky uniform and clap and sing goofy happy birthday songs at least twice a day. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will have a very difficult time resisting temptation in February. You’ll run and you’ll hide, but somehow…

Horoscopes for February 2-8, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You’ll try, but fail, to impress snow bunnies this ski season in Flagstaff. Too late, you’ll find everyone signed your cast, “This Stupid Thing Is Fake!” TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month you will discover Castor Oil is like WD40 for the gastro-intestinal tract. You’ll mix it with orange juice and end up non-squeaky clean. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) The month of March finds you facing a conundrum?deciding whether or not to file a police report on the theft of your exotic plants for insurance purposes. CANCER (June 21 – July…

Horoscopes for January 19-25, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You’ve built up a lot of good karma over the past year, but you can’t stand around waiting for the big payback to come. What about all the years you screwed up? AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You’ll encounter two challenging aspects causing you to counter the urge to make a mad dash into the sunlight. Good thing, because there was a big tree in the way. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Competition can be extremely motivating for you this month. After conquering your visiting nieces and nephews on wii bowling, you’re…

Horoscopes for January 12-18, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Mercury comes out of retrograde, you may become uninhibited, a bit extraverted and even a slight introspective, an antithesis to the regular abnormality of life. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Think carefully before taking a walk on the wild side. You might encounter lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Or maybe coyotes and bobcats and rattlers, oh my. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This January 1st, you have decided on the very best New Year’s Resolution ever! Remember, don’t tell anyone what it is or you may jinx it from happening. CANCER…

Horoscopes for December 29, 2013 – January 4, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) It could be you were born with the words ‘if merely human, do not approach’ etched on your aura. You also probably celebrated Chrsitmukkah. Oye Ho Ho. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You want to visit some exotic land for the holidays but can’t afford it. You’ll rent a foreign flick with subtitles, drink hot Chai latte and eat Bon Bons. Close enough. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You’ ll decide to take up with a new peer-group – the kind that’s into a spiritual, religious or metaphysical cause. It’s a good thing…

Horoscopes for December 15-21, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You want to visit some exotic land for the holidays but can’t afford it. You’ll rent a foreign flick with subtitles, drink hot Chai latte and eat Bon Bons. Close enough. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ ll decide to take up with a new peer-group – the kind that’s into a spiritual, religious or metaphysical cause. It’s a good thing you’re used to sleeping alone. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You can talk your way out of almost any situation that arises this month. The only quandary that perplexes Gemini is re-gifting some of your…

Horoscopes for December 8-14, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you might be offered a significant amount of money from an older person. Get everything in writing, but first close your eyes and imagine prunes. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This holiday season finds you caroling, decorating and eating figgy pudding. For your health and relationships, you stop short of the traditional fruitcake. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Tenderness and smooth talking may be helpful in avoiding a fight during your big holiday meal. If this fails, grab the mashed potatoes. They spray when tossed. CANCER (June 21 – July 22)…

Horoscopes for December 1-7, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You’ll have a bizarre dream about a cow telling you to become a Hindu. Then you hear Sam Elliot tell you “Beef, it’s what’s for dinner” and become a Mormon. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll learn to take a moment before speaking this month. Each time you do, someone else says something that changes your thoughts. Good time to become a mime. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be so proud of yourself this holiday season when you go on eBay and are the highest bidder, finally scoring that Cabbage Patch…

Horoscopes for November 17-23, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) There is a whole lot of excitement happening in your life in November. Or, perhaps there’s emotional turmoil in your immediate vicinity. Hard to tell which. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You need a party, even if you have to throw one yourself. Your social energy is great and you need others to help you develop your little inner party self. Yippee. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) If you’re going out on the town this month, try a lecture, art event or the theater. Not that this is your kind of entertainment,…

Horoscopes for November 10-16, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you’ll need peace and quiet to think clearly. So, much like Thoreau, you’ll head out into the woods. You will solve the falling tree conundrum. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) If there’s anyone to whom you have felt attracted, this is the time to move in. You’ll appear as the most tantalizing person around, especially if trapped in an elevator. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Use your artistic nature and love of beauty and harmony to inspire others to put away their differences. If that fails, crack the whip. Leave the…

Horoscopes for November 3-9, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will overhear people talking about you today. They say you are a real buff, hot, techno-muffin. Later you will discover they were talking about someone else. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll be in an accelerated mode this November. Instead of the normal day late and a dollar short, you’ll somehow manage be a total no-show and flat broke. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will stumble over an oddly shaped rock while on a hike in a remote part of Sedona. A psychic had told you good fortune was on the…

Horoscopes for October 27-November 2, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This is not a good time to change your diet. The economy just can’t take the shock of the closing of yet another all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) November is the month for watching football, family gatherings, big meals, raking leaves and dragging winter clothes out of mothballs. Spring will be here soon. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Just when you think your luck has changed, you get a letter explaining the all expenses paid luxury vacation for two weeks to New Orleans expires in two weeks. CANCER (June 21…

Horoscopes for October 13-19, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) After constantly being rejected by members of any sex, you decide to call one of those 900 phone sex lines and will be told, “Sorry, I’m just not in the mood.” TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Concerned with your weight gain and lack of energy, you will become a vegetarian, only to learn that vegetarian is an old Indian word for “crappy hunter.” GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Your ship will finally come in this month. Unfortunately, it’s cargo will be one of the six percent checked by Port Authority and confiscated as…

Horoscopes for October 6-12, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Halloween pranks start early. You’ll find scary things happening around you this month. The first will be a stinky toilet apparition who laughs when you sit down. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) October is more than a little spooky. With the discovery of Sedna, the new alignment of the planets show you being attacked by a deranged animated leaf blower. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You would still be having one the best times of your life this month if it weren’t for the sighting of that tenth planet in our solar system….

Horoscopes for September 15-21, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You tell your family that you are going to take up repelling. They don’t know repelling from rocks and dismiss your announcement as a continuation of your being repulsive. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll invent an amazing product called D-Tails that could vastly improve life. Unfortunately, rumors spread that the devil’s in the D-Tails and it fizzles out. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will rush across the country when you hear of a discovery of the fountain of youth. You’ll be disappointed to find it is just another concrete peeing boy….

Horoscopes for September 8-14, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You have to choose between the Road Runner and Wiley Coyote. If you could only be one, which one would you be? Yes, you get to keep the ACME gadgets. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month you’ll answer the phone to a prankster that says your mate has lost their job and has been cheating on you. Unknowingly, you admit to the same vices. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will fake an illness just to get attention. It’ll be remarkably successful. You’ll get attention from the doctor, your boss, your insurance…

Horoscopes for September 1-7, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will be disappointed this month when you hear that Pluto may not be classified as a planet in the future. First the Easter Bunny, then Santa Claus, now this. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will go on one of those food-in-the-mail diets. You’ll lose weight, but will go broke replacing all the items you will break throwing them around your house. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will develop the power to see peoples’ auras in September. You will also be confused as to why they always seem to turn to…

Horoscopes for August 25-31, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will find unexplained spots showing up on parts of your body. Fortunately, they will be in places that no one but you and your Hanes will ever see. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This is a good time to buy a new car. It doesn’t have to be a new, new car. It can be a new, used car or truck or motorcycle. No, no motorcycles. Remember your bike? GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will smile all the time right now. This is confusing, because you are not a happy person….

Horoscopes for August 11-17, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Aries has been through a rough time lately. Even though it has been caused by the people around you, it is still your fault for picking Jerry Springer Show friends. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Your planet Mercury is about to change signs and the move will take him out of Gemini, which you might see as a negative. Gemini couldn’t be happier. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) By the end of the month, the planet of love, gorgeousness and all things beautiful will have left your sign for another year. First the…

Horoscopes for August 4-10, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Every time an astrological forecast came true, it was pure luck, or you did something to make it come true. The discovery of a new planet changes everything. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) September might as well be April or February or December. Now that a tenth planet has been found orbiting our sun, all bets are off. So are all forecasts. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You would be having one the best times of your life this month if it weren’t for the sighting of that tenth planet in our solar…

Horoscopes for July 28-August 3, 2013

ARIES (April 21 – April 19) You will need to pay special attention to safety and not avoid rash decisions this month. That thing could spread if scratched, making you even more hideous. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) The desire for personal and career advancement could cause you to consider furthering your education in some way. Learning from your mistakes doesn’t count. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) With your energy level cranked up, it’s possible you’ll buy a new wardrobe, dye your hair, get a tattoo or body piercing. The new outfit would be the least painful. CANCER (June…

Horoscopes for July 14-20, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) High gas prices, polluted air, mortgage crisis, credit card gouging, narrowing job opportunities, and all you’ll worry about is that unexplainable, itchy, red rash. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will insist in the beginning that your mate call you “Skipper” and they answer to “Little Buddy.” Later on, you’ll be better known as “Archie” and “Edith.” GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You have been waiting so long to take your relationship to the “intimate” level, that every time someone claps and the lights get turned on, so do you. CANCER (June 21…

Horoscopes for July 7-13, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will be greatly disappointed this month when you try to sell your doggie’s feces in the shape of Elvis’s face on ebay for $5,000 and don’t get any bids. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will celebrate too early over the invention of the Virtual Jump Rope when sued by the inventor of the Cordless Jump Rope. You’ll cease, no strings attached. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will try to publish a book about some strange happenings you have been experiencing while visiting the restroom. You’ll call your book, “The Toilet…

Horoscopes for June 30-July 6, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, your neighbor builds a 3-hole putting green in his basement. Not to be outdone, you will begin plans to construct a driving range in your living room. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You may have a hoarding compulsion. But, in your case, it actually could save you money, as fashion trends seem to resurface about every 20 years or so. Diet! GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) It is time to send letters to all those who are close to you in mind, but far away in distance. By the time some…

What’s Your Sign? Astrology for the Weak June 23-29, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) The stars show that you should let other people take charge of things this month. But, of course, you won’t. You’re a Capricorn and only you’re the boss of you. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) It is really important to give your body a good chunk of vigorous exercise. After all, during the spring months you put a good chunk of junk in your trunk. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Soak up misguided attention. Enjoy being in the limelight. Savor all the adulation you’re getting. Very soon, people will discover you are…

Horoscopes for June 16-22, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will look for a new job. Don’t quit your day job yet, as there is little demand for an experienced yachtsman who enjoys gambling, whiskey and a good cigar. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month will find you hanging out with movie stars and the politically elite. In a short period of time, you will be detained for crashing the party uninvited. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will question the quality of your breath this month, as when you talked with someone, they turned away. Later, you will find they…

Horoscopes for June 9-15, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will recall days of rocking on a porch, whittling a stick, humming a tune and trying to hit that spittoon. Funny, you can’t recall starring in Deliverance. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will have a recurring nightmare of being reincarnated as a chihuahua, running in a parking lot with a taco in your mouth, being chased by a giant bell. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will try to get into the dating scene after a long hiatus. While coffee shops are the new, hip places to hang, watch out for…