April 27, 2018

Up with Dogs

She’s given up on husbands, and She’s taken up with dogs. “Dogs shed,” she said, “and host some fleas, And, sometimes, eat my clogs, “But, all of life’s a trade-off, and In weighing tit for tat, It’s clear to me that husbands lose! That dogs are where its at! “Dogs never stop me asking for Directions when I’m lost, Or, when I have a headache, pout, Like they’ve been double-crossed; “Dogs never raise their eyebrows when My Visa bills come in, Or, go into a tizzy, like It’s some kind of a sin When Brian, my old boyfriend, calls Who’s…

Elvis Everywhere

THE KING-SIGHTED-AGAIN NEWS: Rock collector LaDell Alexander, 60, of Estes Park, CO, has found a stone she swears has the face of Elvis Presley on it. You don’t have to think Elvis is everywhere to see it: A pattern on the rock resembles a human head with dark hair and the king of rock’s trademark muttonchop sideburns. Of course, it resembled him during his heavy, drug influenced days, lowering its potential value on eBay. LAW & ORDER NEWS: Love blossomed in a trial last year between alternate juror No. 3 and juror No. 6. The two made goo-goo eyes on…

Up with Cats

I’ve given up on women, and I’ve taken up with cats! Cats never preach the sins of salt Or saturated fats! I told my woman, yesterday, That cats would be my life. She smiled, and said, I think that cats Will make a splendid wife! I’ve thought for years that cats and you Would get along quite well– You both are low, and sneaky, and Exude a fishy smell. You prowl around in dark of night, And no one knows just where, And when the morning light appears You slink back to your lair, And yawn, and scratch, and lick…

Happy New Year!

Remember this time 13 years ago? Everybody was worried about being Y2K compliant and waiting with bated breath to see if airplanes would fall out of the sky at the stroke of midnight. Survivalists were holed up in their secret mountain fortresses guarding tons of freeze-dried food, alert and waiting to defend their strongholds against marauding hordes of city dwellers desperate for food and drink. Fly-by-night shysters were counting the mountains of money they made from the sale of emergency generators. Everyone was concerned. Everyone, that is, except our dogs and cats. They knew nothing about Y2K. When nothing happened,…

Haunted Balls

Q: I bought some old lawn bowling balls at a thrift store. I thought they would be great in my hall entrance way, displayed in a large basket or bowl. Excited about my find, I rushed home and unpacked my heavy treasures.I didn’t have a basket big enough to accommodate all eight of them, so I just placed them on the hardwood floor. I awoke from a deep sleep to a thundering noise. Upon investigation, my cat and I discovered one of the balls rolling down the hallway. Could the balls be haunted? I gave them away. A: If you had…

Luminous Objects in the Dominican Republic

Q: While in a private plane flying from Puerto Plata to Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic, I took pictures from the co-pilot seat of objects in our flight path about 8 miles from the nose of the aircraft. The visibility was clear at about 4500 ft. at 9:30 am. The objects are extremely luminous. The lower set of lights are twin diamonds or squares, symmetrical and unnatural. The upper set of lights are almost amorphous. Since they were not stars, planes, clouds, lightning, or natural phenomenon. What could they be? A: Let me guess, when you got closer, they…