October 14, 2019

Amazing Marketing Types?

I am amazed at how some marketing types will attempt to make us think a particular attribute of a product is desirable. For example: A certain brand of cereal stays crispy until you have eaten the entire contents of the bowl. I, of course, have some questions: Is there a time limit on how long you can take to empty the bowl, or does it stay crispy forever? If it stays crispy until after you have consumed it, how do we know it EVER gets soft?

As I eat my soggy corn flakes, or whatever, I take comfort in the fact I detect no trace of crispiness as these flakes start their journey through my body. I feel this is a good thing. I rest assured I will suffer no “crispiness” discomfort at any time during their trip, not even the very end. I don’t usually think about these things, but after all, no other product seems proud of the fact they stay crispy until they are consumed, with no mention of when, if ever, they become un-crispy. I mean, what if I fail to chew one of them thoroughly? Am I going to suffer all day as this crispy critter treks south with the colonic convoy? Truth be known, they probably over-baked a batch, and somebody said, “Let’s see if we can sell these things anyway.”

Or consider some of the new make-up products. It started with a woman splashing water on her face to show her mascara won’t run. Then came industrial strength lip stick, followed by foundation which won’t rub off all over some guy who would sacrifice a shirt a day to have the opportunity to test its durability. My question is, how do you get this stuff off–paint thinner?

The plastic bag folks have tried for years, with bags of bees and spaghetti sauce, to make us understand non-leaking plastic bags are best. Now they are trying to convince us bags with holes in them are good. They talk about how the air will circulate while storing vegetables, but you know all they are trying to do is unload a bunch of rejected, leaky bags by punching MORE holes in them.

We now have a little pill which, when taken at the proper time, can prevent the onset of heartburn. We have half hour pills, and hour pills, but how can we be sure? What if the pizza guy is late? Are we supposed take it a half hour before eating, or a half hour before the heartburn kicks in? What is the window of opportunity? Besides, if this little pill neutralizes the acid in our stomach, and our stomach uses acid to digest our food, what is the net effect here? I’m just waiting for a pill I can take a half-hour before I experience the heartbreak of psoriasis.

I think some of these marketing types have a five-year plan. The selling of deodorant is an example. First, they had to convince us that we smell. All of us don’t, but they’ve instilled the fear that we may. Then they provided us with aerosol cans that were really handy. If you already had your shirt on, you could just reach up under, or go in through an armhole, and give yourself a blast. Effective, but they did have side effects. If you had recently shaved your pits, (not that I would know), the stinging sensation caused by alcohol on freshly scraped skin produced an arm-flapping which would conjure up images of various fowl attempting to become airborne.

They knew about the ozone thing, too, but another branch of their company sold sun screen. Next they offered the roll-ons and sticks. Some of these smell worse than we do, so they could charge us more for the unscented version. They intentionally made it dry white and flaky so they could come along later and sell us the clear, un-flaky stuff. Where does it end? If you suppress the odor from your armpits where does it go? Does it come out your mouth as bad breath? Do they know? Is it an elaborate plan to sell us “Two, two, two mints in one?”

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