February 26, 2020

Unicorn Find Is Debunked

Pictured above is an artist’s rendition of a unicorn, the most important imaginary animal of the Middle Ages and Renaissance, when it was commonly described as an extremely wild woodland creature, a symbol of purity and grace, which could only be captured by a virgin. Until the 19th century, belief in unicorns was widespread among historians, alchemists, writers, poets, naturalists, physicians, and theologians. Since then, unicorns tend to exist only in the minds of children and those labeled “out there.”

by Blodwyn Smythe,
Excentric World’s Ace Reporter

THE WORLD: News is that a group of archaeologists in Pyongyang, North Korea have discovered a unicorn lair. The report, from the usually militaristic Korean news agency, KCNA (Korean Central News Agency) says that they have “recently reconfirmed” the lair of one of the unicorns ridden by the ancient Korean King Tongmyong, founder of a kingdom which ruled parts of China and the Korean peninsula from the the 3rd century BC to 7th century AD.

The KCNA stated that the location happens to be 200 metres from a temple in the North Korean capital, adding: “A rectangular rock carved with words ‘Unicorn Lair'” stands in front of the lair. “The carved words are believed to date back to the period of Koryo Kingdom (918-1392),” states the report.


Above is the Southwest’s version of the mystical unicorn. This treasured animal is known as a Jackalope.

The unicorn is a legendary creature, much like a modern day horse, but with a slender, usually spiral, horn growing out of its forehead. In medieval lore, the spiraled horn of the unicorns was called the alicorn, thought to neutralize poisons. In popular mythology, unicorns were hunted for their horns, which were said to protect against disease or, if made into a cup, would protect from any poison added to one’s drink. This belief is derived from Ctesias, an ancient Greek physician, who reports on the unicorn in India where the horn was used by the local rulers for anti-toxin purposes, so as to avoid assassination. People sold what was purported to be alicorns, but were actually narwall horns. (Narwalls are cold water whales with large, horn-like tusks.)

Traditionally, the unicorn had a billy-goat beard, a lion’s tail, and cloven hoofs (only cloven-hoofed animals have horns). Unicorns were once thought of as nasty, easily provoked creatures–unlike the animals of gentle perception of today.

They were also thought to have deep, bellowing voices. As Ctesias said: “The unicorn was native to India, the size of a donkey, with a burgundy head and white body; it had blue eyes, a single horn.”

Julius Ceasar also described the unicorn, saying, “It had a deer’s head, elephant’s feet, a three-foot long horn, and a boar’s tail.” It was not until the Middle Ages that the unicorn began to take on its present form.

A widespread legend is that when Noah gathered two of every kind of animal, he neglected to gather the unicorns, which is why they do not exist today. You’d think he would have excluded the mosquito instead.

Well, now, Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Excentric World has come forward to debunk the Korean’s claim of the discovery of a unicorn’s lair.

“I have come forward to debunk the Korean’s claim of the discovery of a unicorn’s lair,” he declared at a press conference he hastily called while vacationing on Cape Cod.

“Why are you wintering on Cape Cod?” asked a reporter from a small Cape Cod newspaper.

“I like to go where the people aren’t,” laughed Sir William, taking a sip from a thermos we were told contained hot buttered rum. “Besides, snow on the Cape is as beautiful as snow on the mountain caps in Sedona, Arizona. ”

“So, you’re hoping for snow?” pressed the reporter. “Many residents would prefer a winter without the slippery white stuff.”

“Humbug!” Sir William shouted. “I hail from Dorcester County on the outskirts of Boston. I recall stories from relatives throughout the great state of Massachusetts finding their cars lined on the streets by antenna. I have never heard such a tale from my relatives or friends on the Cape.”

“Who are your friends on the Cape?” asked some guy. “Are you chummy with the Kennedys or other Cape notables?”

“Who I visit when I am here is none of yours or anyone else’s business. I am here to avoid the press and paparazzi that constantly hound me and photograph my every move. Once,” continued Sir William, “while dousing myself in the privacy of my backyard at my estate in Arizona with tomato juice mixed with Massengill to remove the stain of a skunk’s dousing, an ambitious voyeur snapped off a couple of photos. I recovered my Birkenstocks in time to chase down the rascal and remove him from his property and properly disposed of the ill-gotten booty.”

“What about the Korean’s claim to have discovered a unicorn lair?” asked some other guy.

Sir William smiled. “I think it was a spelling issue–lair, liar–whatever. There are no such thing as unicorns, only horse fossils found with New Year’s party hats glued to their heads.”

With that, he then gestured to the crowd and ascended into his waiting sleigh.


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