June 20, 2019

Holiday Treats

It’s “that time of the year” again. The time of the year when every writer who writes anything in any kind of newspaper or magazine has to remind you that it’s that time of the year again. So what is that time of the year? The Holiday Season, of course!

On page 15 of the Official Rules of Writing, it states that, “No writer shall ignore ‘that time of the year’ under penalty of banishment from the Writer’s Community.” Therefore, I have no choice but to write a festive and fun-filled column about the holiday season.  This year I’ve chosen “Holiday Treats” as my theme and, in keeping with my tradition of standing up for the underdog, I want to devote this piece to a virtually ignored holiday treat item–SPAM.

It’s a shame so few people include SPAM in their holiday traditions. In failing to do so, they overlook a valuable source of merriment and celebration. What’s more festive than SPAM? That single item has brought more joy and happiness to millions. What could possibly say Merry Christmas more sincerely than a lovingly prepared chunk of SPAM? To celebrate the lighthearted and festive nature of this favorite American food, here are a number of holiday favorites featuring our beloved SPAM.

SPAMcicles

Cut SPAM into slices about one-quarter of an inch thick. Spear each slice with a Popsicle stick and freeze hard overnight. YUM!

SPAM Float

Fill a big glass almost to the top with cheap beer. Add a splash of maraschino cherry juice and float a thin slice of SPAM on top. Three or four of these and you’ll be singing Christmas carols like a pro.

Festive SPAM Cookies

Bake up a mess of your favorite sugar cookies and let cool completely. On top of each cookie, put a thin slice of SPAM cut out in the shape of a star. Sprinkle lightly with brown sugar. Brown under the broiler and serve warm. These are also good the next day after the fat that melts out of the SPAM has soaked into the cookie and congealed.

SPAM Stuffed Turkey

Stuff the turkey with as much SPAM as it will hold. Roast the turkey normally. Turkey will self-baste within. Make gravy from drippings. Feed gravy to hogs.

SPAMnog

Garnish cups of eggnog with grated nutmeg and shredded SPAM.

SPAM Jam Cake

Prepare your favorite jam cake recipe substituting SPAM for the jam. Your guests will remember this dessert for years.

SPAM Canes

Cut SPAM into candy cane shapes. Dry as if making jerky. Paint in red and white spiral pattern with food coloring. Hang on tree. Keep dog away from tree.

Sock o’ SPAM

Stuff Christmas stockings with shredded SPAM. Be sure to pack tightly into toe of stocking to preserve festive shape. Be ready to take lots of pictures of the little ones as they plunge their greedy little mitts into their stockings on Christmas morning.

SPAM Log

Mash two pounds of SPAM together with two pounds of cream cheese. Work in two tablespoons garlic powder and some hot sauce. Form into log shape and roll in chopped nuts to coat. Chill until firm. Toss into fireplace at the height of festivities. Call fire department. RUN!

Holiday SPAM Roast

Construct a large “roast” by gluing chunks of SPAM together with pineapple jelly. Place in roasting tray, dot with cloves, cover with glaze made from peaches and boiled down Mountain Dew. Bake at 350 degrees until warm inside. Serve with stewed apples and prunes and a side dish of Alka-Seltzer.

SPAM Wreath

You’ve seen many Martha Stewart television show’s during the holiday season. I guarantee you’ve caught Martha in the act of making a festive holiday wreath. Substitute cans of SPAM for whatever silly useless thing Martha puts on her wreath. Invite your guests to pluck cans of SPAM off the wreath to take home as party favors. They’ll remember you as a caring and considerate host.

Sing SPAM Carols

Many old favorites can be adapted such as: Rudolph the SPAM-Nosed ReindeerHere Comes SPAMA ClausJingle SPAM, Jingle SPAM, Jingle all the WaySPAM Nuts Roasting on an Open FireI’m Dreaming of a SPAM ChristmasFrosty the SPAMmanDeck the Halls with Boughs of SPAMThe Little SPAMmer BoyWe Wish You a SPAMmy Christmas, and Oh Little Town of BethleSPAM.

As a final tribute to our favorite holiday treat, you may want to decorate the bare poplar tree in your front yard with festoons of SPAM cans illuminated (tastefully, of course) with red and green spotlights.

Have fun with your holiday preparations.

See ya around,

BUCK

 

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