November 13, 2019

Strange Combinations

Some things just go together naturally–like peanut butter and jelly, Abbot and Costello, wine and cheese, and movies and popcorn. Lately I’ve become aware of a number of things that you wouldn’t expect to find paired up. I thought you’d enjoy hearing about some of them.

Several years ago at the “Skippy Research Institute,” scientists crossed an elephant with peanut butter. This union produced two types of offspring. One was peanut butter with a long memory. The other was an elephant that stuck to the roof of your mouth.

Cotton is combined with many other fibers to produce fabrics that have characteristics desirable for various applications. Think about the advantages of combining cotton with something like steel. You could make a sledge hammer that wouldn’t leave dents. How about an iron that wouldn’t hurt when you dropped it on your foot? You could make a pillow out of an anvil. Any clothing made from this stuff would truly “wear like iron!”

Crossing electricity with water would produce some novel situations. If a lamp were knocked over breaking the light bulb, the electricity would leak out all over the floor making a big puddle until someone came along to turn off the switch. Instead of batteries, you could carry electricity in a canteen. People would pay ridiculous amounts of money for upscale BOTTLED electricity at the grocery store. Imagine the classic cartoon of the parched traveler crawling across the burning desert, tongue hanging out, moaning, “Electricity…electricity!” Your town’s water tower would have to be surrounded by a high fence carrying warning signs reading “DANGER – HIGH VOLTAGE!” In the wintertime, you could shuffle your feet across the carpet and get a squirt of water off the end of your finger when you reached for the doorknob. Watering the lawn would qualify for “hazardous duty” pay. Just imagine what taking a shower would be like!

What would happen if you crossed a cat with a snake? Would you get a furry snake? A cat that slithered across the living room? How about a snake that curled up on your lap and purred? Perhaps a cat that would lay eggs. Maybe a snake with little pointy ears and long whiskers. What would you call it? A “snat.” A “cake”…no, that name is already taken.

Speaking of combining names, how about a term that would describe getting drunk and crashing into things? Would you call it BAMBOOZLE?

Wouldn’t it be cool if they could cross grass with apple trees? You could go out to mow the lawn and make applesauce at the same time!

How about crossing a gorilla with a canary? Boy, would that thing need a big cage! I wouldn’t want to have to clean it out either! I’ll bet everyone would pay close attention when it wanted to sing.

A combination of milk and gasoline would help your car get the calcium it needs to have strong bones.

These days everybody’s concerned about good nutrition. At the same time, we hear horror stories about how our young people stuff their faces with junk food and eat too much sugar. Cherry Coke and Lemon Coke are both big sellers. Why not try Green Bean Coke or Spinach Seven-Up? The slogan, “Make Seven-Up Yours!” would be even more popular than ever I’ll bet.

Maybe the kids would go for a carrot pizza or soybean sorbet – YUCK!

How about all the flavored coffees you can buy these days? In addition to the standard hazelnut or pecan or chocolate coffee, it might also be fun to experiment with flavors like roast beef, guacamole or hickory smoke.

Finally, it just might be fun and entertaining to look at the possibility of combining various performing arts with popular sporting events. This would be the perfect opportunity to bring some class and refinement to some of our more brutal forms of entertainment.

Wouldn’t you like to see the Juilliard String Quartet Tractor Pull? How about the Swan Lake Hockey Play-Off? Maybe your tastes run more to Mormon Tabernacle Choir Roller Derby. Beethoven’s Fifth Wrestling Match is a sure crowd-pleaser.

See ya around,

BUCK

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