Horoscopes for June 29-July 5, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Work, love, life, whatever, you’re a big winner. The kind of winner everybody wants to take out to dinner and smother with kisses. No, wait, that’s last year’s. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are itching for a little highbrow culture. But you live in Cornville, AZ and have nothing to scratch it with since the breakup of the Cornville Symphony. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) The microcosm of civilization that surrounds you is starting to wear on your patience, and the idea of faces you don’t recognize sounds thrilling. Go bowling….
Horoscopes for July 6-12, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Do not walk boldly to your future this month. It would be best if you pretend you’re a houseplant that needs shade. Prune the dead leaves and stand in a corner. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You need to plug in for things to pan out. Or is it you need to tune in to drop out? Or maybe it’s you need to hang in to hang out. Well, you gotta get up to get down. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Others will take their cues from you especially when Uranus follows…
Brimstone Bound
Pope Benedict is telling me That my beliefs are swell, And, though he hates to break the news, I’m going straight to Hell. The Protestants proclaim with smiles, My heart is pure and true, But, if I think I’m heaven-bound, I’ve lost a major screw. The Christian Rapture Right declares They’d help me if they could, But, since I voted Democrat, Damnation is too good. I’ve not heard from the Atheists, Or, those who worship Beer, But, exit polls predict as one, My…
Porch Settin’!
Yep, the time has come. Summer weather is here and it’s finally time to get serious about America’s favorite rural tradition: porch settin’. For those few ignorant souls out there who don’t engage in this summertime inactivity, allow me to provide a brief refresher course on the accepted standards for this most popular pastime. Porch settin’ is a simple thing but, done right, it’s a perfect expression of grace, artistry and tranquil demeanor. As with any human undertaking, the experts make it look easy. But careful analysis reveals the wealth of training, discipline, careful study and attention to detail that combine…
Million Dollar Prize to Prove Your Paranormal Abilities
Q: The James Randi Educational Foundation Million Dollar Challenge will be discontinued 24 months from this coming March 6th. In this challenge, Randi promises a prize of one million dollars to anyone proving his or her paranormal abilities. This means that all those wishing to be claimants are required to get their applications in before the deadline, properly filled out and notarized as described in the published rules. Do you think anyone will collect the money? A: How would I know? I’d have to be psychic or something, wouldn’t I? Q: As the nation studies the polls in New…
A Horse, a Donkey, and a Communist
Admittedly, I am not much of a cocktail drinker. My beverage preferences are heavily skewed to the fermented variety versus the distilled, and most mixed drinks tend to be a bit on the sweet side for my palate. Margaritas, for the most part, are the only cocktail I’ve ever really cared for. Recently though, I was introduced to an old cocktail that has become trendy once again, and when the heat’s coming on, it’s one that gives a refreshing option for the mixed drink aficionados out there. It’s called a Moscow Mule. The origins of the cocktail date back to 1941…
Modern Politics
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “I will not withdraw, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me.” — President George W. Bush “Good thing we’ve still got politics — finest form of free entertainment ever invented.” — Molly Irvins “My FOX guys, I love every single one of them.” — Condoleezza Rice “What we really expect out of the Democrats is…
Horoscopes for June 15-21, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will try to continue passing the holiday spirit along by whistling carols. Joy will come to an abrupt stop when friends and co-workers Super Glue your lips. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will be approached by the authorities soon for assault with intent to cause internal harm after relatives report you for re-gifting those nasty old fruitcakes. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will emerge from a life-long doubt about the existence of Santa Claus this month. You still didn’t receive any gifts, but your roof is covered in reindeer poop….
Haunted Balls
Q: I bought some old lawn bowling balls at a thrift store. I thought they would be great in my hall entrance way, displayed in a large basket or bowl. Excited about my find, I rushed home and unpacked my heavy treasures.I didn’t have a basket big enough to accommodate all eight of them, so I just placed them on the hardwood floor. I awoke from a deep sleep to a thundering noise. Upon investigation, my cat and I discovered one of the balls rolling down the hallway. Could the balls be haunted? I gave them away. A: If you had…
Bisexual Boyfriend
Dear Frankly, My boyfriend, who I have been dating for three years, has just told me that he is bisexual. He said that he has never told anyone else and has hidden it from me until now. I cried for a week. I have many self-esteem problems already. He also said that if he were in my shoes, he would probably end the relationship. However, he’s glad I haven’t ended it and promises to be true. I am so confused with no one to talk to. What should I do? Confounded Connie Dear Confounded, Well, if that doesn’t beat all….
All About Coffee
Coffee on the move, whether in a car or during a stroll down the street to a park bench, is always an experience. Most establishments have converted to foam cups, but there are still a few holdouts that sell coffee in cardboard cups, with and without the little elephant ear handles. In the wake of the “hot lap” incident most cardboard cups have a printed warning, “Caution, cup can be hot.” However, once you pick up the cup to read the warning, it’s either untrue or old news, unless, of course, you have one of those little corrugated sleeves that…
Horoscopes for June 8-14, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will take credit this month for a new campaign to promote a popular landmark near your home. Park your car, stop to smell the flowers and kiss our buttes. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will find yourself ambling quite often this month. You’ll lose a few pounds and start a profitable new fitness business, Amble Your Way To Better Health. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will have a “lost time” episode. You explain that you were abducted by aliens and then returned a day later, but the bartender remembers serving…
Sheepish Sex Offender
SEX CRIME NEWS: In Battle Creek MI, a man who pleaded no contest to a sodomy charge involving a sheep says he should not have to register as a sex offender. Police said Jeffrey S. Haynes had sex with a sheep at a Bedford Township farm. The animal’s owner caught him on the property and the sheep was found injured. Haynes claims he is harmless, but the prosecutor says he was just trying to pull the wool over their eyes. SOBER SINGER NEWS: Hanoi, Vietnam – Karaoke bars in Vietnam will no longer be allowed to sell or have alcohol…
Definition of Ghosts and Possession
Q: In quantum terms, the device with which you measure a phenomenon has a direct correlation with not only your anticipation, but with your result. Perhaps we have such individuated mechanisms that while not psychological in the strictest sense of measurement but with the context of relationships in our conceptual models, can provide us with unintended results, as we have attenuated our perception toward a bias that allows these interior relationships to manifest in cognition toward an sensate external manifestation, if there is something outside of our visual field that is already present in a theoretical perpetuity outside of the…
Duct Tape!
WOW! This has to be the ultimate GUY THING! On the scale of stuff you gotta have, duct tape has to rate about a three or four, just below the TV remote, the camo wallpaper and (maybe) the custom reloading press, with your own brass nameplate just below the Budweiser logo. Have you ever thought of what in the world we’d do without duct tape? (Here, I’m using the ancient literary ploy of “What if there were no…?”) Well, just think about it. How many of us guys would be stuck in the middle of nowhere, driving a car or…
Horoscopes for June 1-7, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you’ll go home to celebrate the 4th of July. Your father keeps calling you Bucky. You wouldn’t mind if it hadn’t been the name of your old, smelly dog. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) July is the month for vacations. You’ll decide to take the family on a special camping trip to the Grand Canyon, get lost, end up in Utah and covert to Republican. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) It’s officially summer and you need to get into bathing suit shape. Temporary Orthorexia nervosa may be just the thing. Summer…
More on Money
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Gentlemen prefer bonds.” — Andrew Mellon “If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” — J. Paul Getty “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock this afternoon.” — Henny Youngman “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack…
Horoscopes for May 18-24, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You will find in May that you can give as good as you get when it comes to ambiguity. If anything, you have mastered the art of vagueness and uncertainty. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will take that ride on the carousel of life to grab the brass ring. Unfortunately, your horse will throw a shoe and toss you off the whirligig, ring-less still. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you will need to be careful to keep your me, me, me impulses in check. If you love something, set…
Confirmed
I’ve heard you say your fellow man, And fellow woman, too, Is “crazy as a crocodile Who’s feet are stuck in glue.” “As batty as a bedbug” or “As loony as a lark” “As zany as a zebra” or “As quirky as a quark”; “As silly as a sailor” or “As pouty as a punk” “As goofy as a gopher” or “As squirrely as a skunk.” A brand new study indicates You didn’t speak too soon: One-quarter of Americans Are loopy as a loon! Quote: “One in four exhibit signs Of clear insanity.” (Which makes me stop and wonder where They…
Librarian’s Ghost Still Awaits Her Lover
Q: I am curious about the ghost at the Landmark Inn in Lake Superior, Michigan. Legend has it that around the time the hotel first opened in 1930 on the shores of Lake Superior, a librarian in town fell in love with a sailor. He was to make one last journey before coming home to marry her, but the ship and crew never returned. The librarian is said to still haunt the Lilac Room, which has a view of Lake Superior. She is believed to be watching for her sailor’s return. Do you think the librarian’s ghost still awaits her…
Horoscopes for May 11-17, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You might want to avoid rushing into any big financial deals. Of course, not having any money, poor credit and a shaky job may play into your decisions. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Let your creativity run wild this May and you might just make a couple of new friends along the way. Your sane friends will likely abandon you in a heartbeat. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Misplaced keys? Can’t find your glasses? No idea where your favorite shirt is hiding? It could seem things are topsy-turvy. Or, you could be…
A Deceiving Friendship
Dear Frankly, I was in a relationship that ended a month ago. The cause was her cheating, lying and deceiving me for a long time. I had no idea and it all came as a shock to me. Through all the pain I have suffered, I have really tried to be her friend and understand why she hurt me. But even now it has been me trying to keep contact with her and keep a “friendship” alive. I feel like maybe I’m doing this so that I don’t feel like I wasted over a year with her. Please help. Caring…
Dominican Republic Driver’s License Written Test
As much as we complain about traffic, insane other drivers and road conditions, while vacationing in the Dominican Republic recently, I realize just how good we have it in the USA. My first impression was how terrible the drivers are there–but then I realized that it was exactly the opposite. The bad ones were all dead and the ones I was seeing were good enough to survive. There are about 30 motorcycles to every car on the island, and they all are little 100cc putt-putts or scooters. They zip in and out of traffic; the biggest vehicle has the right…
Wine by the Numbers
Have you ever tasted a 100 point wine? More importantly, would you care if you did? I’ve worked off and on in customer service and sales in the wine business, and the value that many customers place on scores given to wines by various critics is always a point of curiosity to me. Customers routinely ask how many points a wine scored, and there are those that refuse to buy anything that scored below a 90. Ask yourself though, what do these scores really mean? Let’s examine the world of wine reviews and give you some of the positives and…
Aggravated Robbery
CREATIVE CRIME NEWS: A man who robbed a New Zealand bank recently was so disappointed with his haul he tried again–this time by phone, Wellington police said. Authorities traced the calls and arrested a man, charging him with aggravated robbery and demanding money with menace. He got the idea from the Psychic Predictions Hot Line. PRENUPTIAL BLUES NEWS: A 38-year-old man stood in flames on a 10-foot platform in Grants Pass, Ore., July 4th before plunging into a pool. After emerging from the water unscathed, he dropped down on one knee and proposed to his girlfriend. Obviously also lacking the…
Horoscopes for May 4-10, 2014
ARIES (April 21 – April 19) A Full Moon in Scorpio this month makes life more passionate and intense, especially where your love life is concerned. Now if you can just find a willing mate. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Mercury and Venus will be in Taurus for most of the month, emphasizing friendships and loving communication. Try to keep the friends and loving separate. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, the planets transiting in some other planet will help you work hard to achieve your goals. Fortunately, your goals mostly involve barbecue and beer. CANCER (June 21…
Hurry! It’s On Sale!
Advertisers must think we’re really stupid. Have you paid any attention to what the ads on TV and radio are saying? If you’re like me, the commercial breaks go in one ear and out the other. The only way something sticks in my brain is because it’s repeated ten million times (which is why you hear the same ad played until you puke) or if there’s something unique about the way it is presented. Victoria’s Secret TV ads come to mind. I remember them–frequently. Lately in a period of vast boredom, I decided to actually LISTEN to some of the…
Luminous Objects in the Dominican Republic
Q: While in a private plane flying from Puerto Plata to Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic, I took pictures from the co-pilot seat of objects in our flight path about 8 miles from the nose of the aircraft. The visibility was clear at about 4500 ft. at 9:30 am. The objects are extremely luminous. The lower set of lights are twin diamonds or squares, symmetrical and unnatural. The upper set of lights are almost amorphous. Since they were not stars, planes, clouds, lightning, or natural phenomenon. What could they be? A: Let me guess, when you got closer, they…
Giraffic Park
The latest thing in eco-chic Is spotted milk and cheese, Obtained from freckled animals With high and lumpy knees. Their eyes are big and lashy and Their heads have door-knob things; Their tails sport lovely flourishes Akin to feathered wings. Their tongues are eighteen-inches long; Their manes are rusty red; They have to kneel to get a drink; They never go to bed. They’re ruminants like Holstein cows; They eat trees from the top; Their babies weigh a hundred…
Horoscopes for April 27-May 3, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Don’t dwell on obstacles this month. Organize a picnic or a hostile takeover. Better yet, do both. Occupy a park and dominate the neighbors, ants and squirrels. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will find yourself needing to allow some space for natural growth and evolution. You may have to add a couple of notches to your belt or switch to sweats. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Be sure not to stick ideas you come up with this month in the bottom drawer of your desk and forget them, or they’ll be…
