March 28, 2024

On Age

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.” — Jean Kerr “The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.” — H. L. Mencken “We are always the same age inside.” — Gertrude Stein “It’s not catastrophes,…

Did Edison Design or Build a Ghost Machine?

Q: Thomas Edison said, “I don’t claim that our personalities pass on to another existence or sphere. I don’t claim anything because I don’t know anything about the subject. For that matter, no human being knows. But I do claim that it is possible to construct an apparatus which will be so delicate that if there are personalities in another existence or sphere who wish to get in touch with us in this existence or sphere, the apparatus will at least give them a better opportunity to express themselves than the tilting tables and raps and Ouija boards and mediums…

A Rosé by Any Other Name

It’s the time of year in Arizona where the temperatures are just plain hot. Tastes in the beverage world switch from the hearty and robust to the light and refreshing. A class of wine that has risen in popularity the last couple years, and matches perfectly with summer tastes, is rosé. Most people sadly see a pinkish colored wine and instantly think White Zinfandel. While this does fit into the class, it’s hardly representative of great rosé wines. This month, I’ll introduce you to the world of rosés, recommend a few regions to look for, as well as suggest a…

Intelligence and Intellect

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn’t.” — Emerson M. Pugh “Character is higher than intellect. A great soul will be strong to live as well as think.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson “We’ve all met people who are supposedly incredibly intelligent but don’t know which way…

Horoscopes for August 11-17, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Aries has been through a rough time lately. Even though it has been caused by the people around you, it is still your fault for picking Jerry Springer Show friends. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Your planet Mercury is about to change signs and the move will take him out of Gemini, which you might see as a negative. Gemini couldn’t be happier. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) By the end of the month, the planet of love, gorgeousness and all things beautiful will have left your sign for another year. First the…

Ask Kids about Mom and Dad

Why did God make mothers? 1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my mom the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and…

Psychic Definitions and Charred Remains

Q: Can you tell me the difference between a psychic, a clairvoyant and a medium? A friend of mine says they’re all the same with different degrees of successful guessing. What do you think? A: By definition, a psychic is a person supposedly sensitive to nonphysical or supernatural forces and influences; a clairvoyant is a person having the supposed power to see objects or events that cannot be perceived by the senses; and a medium is a person thought to have the power to communicate with the spirits of the dead or with agents of another world or dimension. In…

Dangerous Horseplay

Numerous scientific and government studies have shown that occupations related to dealing with animals are the most dangerous. There’s always the possibility of being bit, scratched, clawed, mauled, kicked, butted, bucked, squeezed, stepped on, knocked down, run over, or in the case of small dogs, barked to death. The danger varies proportionally with the size of the animal. Horses fall into the category of large. I’m not talking about the obvious risks such as getting bucked off into a bed of prickly pear cactus, flattened against a stall wall, a playful nip from teeth capable of pulling railroad spikes, or…

Side Effects

PRESCRIPTION NEWS: People suffering from chronic headaches, nausea, diarrhea, gas or dizziness may finally find relief in a medical cure-all. The only drawbacks of the new pill, available only by prescription, are the side effects: headaches, nausea, diarrhea, gas or dizziness. LAW ENFORCEMENT NEWS: A thirty-year-old Arizona lottery winner has been convicted of a felony and sentenced to 10 years in state prison or 1 day a week for 70 years. ENTREPRENEURIAL NEWS: Due to the fact that their machines only accept quarters, coin-operated laundries, car washes and amusement devices in Utah were forced to raise prices from $1.25 to…

Cheeky Creations

CRACK NEWS: Outside of class and under an alter ego, the self-proclaimed artist, Stephen Murmer, a fun, popular art teacher, creates floral and abstract art by plastering his posterior and genitals with paint and pressing them against canvas. His cheeky creations sell for hundreds of dollars. This has not gone over well with Chesterfield County school officials, who placed him on administrative leave from his job in Richmond, VA. Monacan High could soon be the butt of many jokes. SPACE NEWS: Using a gold-plated 6-iron, Russian cosmonaut Mikhail Tyurin hit a golf ball into orbit from a platform on the…

On Wisdom

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj?un), n. [origin unknown]  1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man.  2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend.” — Zenna Schaffer “How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.” — Steve Martin “Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.” — Steven Wright…

Lesser Known August Holidays

August 1 . . . Friendship Day and National Raspberry Cream Pie Day August 2 . . . National Ice Cream Sandwich Day August 3 . . . National Watermelon Day August 4 . . . Twins Day Festival August 5 . . . National Mustard Day August 6 . . . Wiggle Your Toes Day August 7 . . . Sea Serpent Day August 8 . . . Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night August 9 . . . National Polka Festival August 10. . . Lazy Day August 11. . . Presidential Joke Day August 12….

Horoscopes for August 4-10, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Every time an astrological forecast came true, it was pure luck, or you did something to make it come true. The discovery of a new planet changes everything. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) September might as well be April or February or December. Now that a tenth planet has been found orbiting our sun, all bets are off. So are all forecasts. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You would be having one the best times of your life this month if it weren’t for the sighting of that tenth planet in our solar…

Calling All Richards

The difficulties of this world Are big and bad and mean, And charged with such uncertainties To make solutions lean. But, if you would indulge, per chance, This simple minded cuss, There’s overwhelming evidence The problem is named, “Us.” There’s way too many of us all Including me and you And, barring wars and meteors, The answers are too few. There’s way too many Lindsays and There’s way too many Dawns, There’s way too many Trevors and There’s way too many Seans. There’s way too many Meagans And there’s way to many Ricks. There’s never enough Richards cuz There’s way…

Jailbirds and Online Jilters

Dear Frankly, I have a brother-in-law who is constantly in trouble. His antics are even starting to affect my marriage to his sister. We get along fine until we start arguing about him. She’s the one who brings him up and I don’t want to ignore her. What should I do? Puzzled Hubby Dear Puzzled, My third husband had a younger brother that couldn’t stay out of jail. His mother kept bailing him out. He’d apologize and get everyone feeling sorry for him. Then, not a month later, he’d be right back in the slammer. My husband and I argued…

Never Before Have Vampires and Werewolves Been So Sexy

Q: I just saw the movie “New Moon,” the sequel to “Twilight.” Never before have vampires and werewolves been so sexy. Women were screaming throughout the film, especially when Taylor Lautner took off his shirt and Robert Pattinson opens his coat. The movie is first and foremost a teenage love story with some spooky and freaky stuff, but even with the poor acting, I found myself aroused by the mystique and danger. Have you seen it? A: Nope. Hate the sight of blood, especially someone drinking it.   Q: I saw on a paranormal website that there is now a…

Divorce-Say Dilemmas

Dear Frankly, I’m a separated 40-plus male “divorced” for many years in every way but legally. I posted a personal ad on a website and have been contacted by –and met–a number of women. There is one woman in particular that I am very interested in and have been spending a lot of time with. I have not told her I am still married and did not share this in my profile because I believed it would scare women away. When is the right time to come clean and admit my situation? Not Quite Divorced Dear Not Quite, My fourth…

Best Actual Headlines

Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in…

Horoscopes for July 28-August 3, 2013

ARIES (April 21 – April 19) You will need to pay special attention to safety and not avoid rash decisions this month. That thing could spread if scratched, making you even more hideous. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) The desire for personal and career advancement could cause you to consider furthering your education in some way. Learning from your mistakes doesn’t count. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) With your energy level cranked up, it’s possible you’ll buy a new wardrobe, dye your hair, get a tattoo or body piercing. The new outfit would be the least painful. CANCER (June…

Efforts to Save on Rising Fuel Costs

Excentric World staff members take a look at Americans’ efforts to save on rising fuel costs. This motorist is a prime example of why you may not want to trade in that gas guzzling truck for a fuel saving compact. While the forklift operator argued that the vehicle could not withstand the weight of the load the homeowner ordered, the driver insisted his car had no problem carrying his order home. Judging by the photograph, the driver misjudged his car’s hauling capabilities by just a bit. The forklift driver, who snapped this picture, said the car’s axle had broken and the…

A Week at the Gym

Dear Diary, For my 40th birthday, my dear wife purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. She encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY: Started my day at 6am….

Dogs

“The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.” — Anonymous “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” — Ann Landers “If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” — Will Rogers “There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” — Ben Williams “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” — Josh Billings “The average dog is a nicer person than the…

Daddy’s Diary

I found my daddy’s diary tucked Beneath his attic mess, And, lettered on the cover was, “The Secrets of Success.” I feared it would be bulging with Some windy, long laments; But when I opened it I found Three simple stanzas, hence: “To know someone, don’t listen As their lofty talk ascends, Instead, just look at what they’ve done, And who they choose as friends. And learn what you do badly, and Stop doing it, pall mall, So you can concentrate and grow In that which you do well. And, most important in your life In love, or work, or…

Darwin Awards

Thwarted Robbery – James Elliot, would-be robber, peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again after his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up. This time, it worked. Chicago Storm – A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned to find a woman had taken the space. He shot her. Crazy Bar Stop – After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting had escaped. Not wanting to admit…

The Sun Mystery

In June the sun was coming up Before the crack of dawn, But, now, the thing is hold out, Not only that, but gone To bed at night much earlier— Three minutes, by the day!— And while I know this can’t be true (It’s summer; I’m at play) The trend seems clearly ominous (I’ve calculated stuff), By Christmas, it won’t shine at all And there won’t be enough Daylight and its resulting heat To keep my footsies warm And I might think of growing fur And there might be a storm And it might even snow and I Might have…

A Primer on How to Be Annoying. . .

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in.” 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.” 7. Finish…

The Ghost of Former US President Richard Nixon Haunts Museum

Q: I read where a famous psychic medium, Joseph Ross, recently channeled former U.S. President, Richard M.Nixon, who would comment on various aspects of the displays in the Nixon Museum. Near the entrance are cases of artifacts from Nixon’s early life, prior to his entering politics–grade school essays, early photographs, love letters to Pat and Naval service documents. Here, according to Ross, the spirit of Nixon told the group that this was the only part of the library that he still enjoyed visiting. Do you believe Richard Nixon is haunting his own library? A: Someone allegedly caught the ghost of…

The Italian Pasta Diet

The Italian Pasta Diet…It Really Works You walka pasta da bakery. You walka pasta da candy store. You walka pasta da ice cream shop. You walka pasta da table and fridge. Concerned About Too Many Carbs in Your Diet? For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. The Chinese drink very little red…

Horoscopes for July 14-20, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) High gas prices, polluted air, mortgage crisis, credit card gouging, narrowing job opportunities, and all you’ll worry about is that unexplainable, itchy, red rash. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will insist in the beginning that your mate call you “Skipper” and they answer to “Little Buddy.” Later on, you’ll be better known as “Archie” and “Edith.” GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You have been waiting so long to take your relationship to the “intimate” level, that every time someone claps and the lights get turned on, so do you. CANCER (June 21…

New Element Discovered

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “Governmentium.” Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take…