March 28, 2024

Age Ire

Dear Frankly, I am 54 and just broke up a 10-year relationship with a younger man. He is 45. Now he has a girlfriend who is 28. We have been apart for a little more than a year. But now it bothers me that he has this girlfriend and I don’t know why. I know I have to move on and get over him. I was OK until I found out he had someone else. I can’t stop thinking about them. Do most women do this or is something wrong with me? Ticked Off Terri Dear Ticked, My fourth, and…

On Money

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” — Peter Ustinov “More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.” — John Nelson “We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.” —…

Does The Thunder Know the Hotel Is Haunted?

Q: I read that back in January, the New York Knicks spent two nights at the Skirvin Hotel in downtown Oklahoma City, and then blamed their hotel for a loss to the Oklahoma Thunder because the hotel is haunted. The Lakers, up 2-0 after a couple of home games, went into Oklahoma, staying at the Skirvin Hotel. The series is now tied at 2-2. Could it be the Thunder knows the hotel is haunted and purposely puts up their opponents there? A: If the Thunder won every home game and their opponents all stayed at the same hotel, I would…

If Dogs Could Fly…

A man was flying from Seattle. The plane had a layover in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a bit of a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman, who was blind. Another man noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his seeing-eye dog lay quietly underneath the seat in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot…

Benign Torture of Loved Ones

Excentric World staff members look at the sport of benign torture of loved ones. While seemingly harmless, pranks on the unsuspecting could lead to excessive use of alcohol and selenium, and unnecessary visits to the doctor’s office clearly not covered by their insurance policy.   Related posts: Signs of Things to Come Effects of Alcohol Binging Texting While Driving Dirty Children Make Healthy Adults?

Effects of Steroids

Excentric World staff members take a look at the effects of steroids, and Human Growth Hormones (HGH) on the wide, wide world of sports. According to recent reports, prominent professional sports figures have been accused of illegally enhancing their bodies to give them the edge over their competition. Two baseball stars destined for the Hall of Fame are facing Congressional subpoenas. Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds are accused of bulking up with some form of adult Kool-Aid. Olympians are no exception: Ben Johnson, Marion Jones, the 1976 East German female swim team, a bearded member of the 1996 female Chinese…

Horoscopes for July 7-13, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will be greatly disappointed this month when you try to sell your doggie’s feces in the shape of Elvis’s face on ebay for $5,000 and don’t get any bids. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will celebrate too early over the invention of the Virtual Jump Rope when sued by the inventor of the Cordless Jump Rope. You’ll cease, no strings attached. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will try to publish a book about some strange happenings you have been experiencing while visiting the restroom. You’ll call your book, “The Toilet…

Strong Showing of Patriotism in the US

Excentric World staff members look at the strong showing of patriotism in the United States during the celebration of Independence Day. Every year since declaring its independence from England in 1776, citizens and occupants of the U.S. gather en masse to cheer at fireworks displays, barbecue with friends and neighbors, and pontificate of our triumph over tyranny while sporting beer toting hard hats loaded with cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and convenient straws (the ultimate Father’s Day gift). Judging by the broad smile on his face, this Yankee doodle dandy is truly reveling in the spirit of freedom and the…

Intoxicating License Plate

DRY STATE NEWS: Merlot can be a variety of grape or a type of red wine, but not an acceptable personalized license plate in the state of Utah. The Utah Tax Commission told the owner that he had to remove it because the state doesn’t allow words of intoxication to be used on vanity plates. Someone should tell the Utah Tax Commission that Merlot also is a variety of grape, originating in southern France and Italy. Snitching drivers are now on the lookout for the plates Muskat, Champagne and Concord. ANIMAL LOVING NEWS: A man from Flushing, Michigan is loving…

Spare Parts

“You need to come home early,” my wife told me over the phone. “The toilet’s not working.” “OK,” I said and hung up. ‘Not working’ is pretty vague, but I’m handy; I was confident that I would be able to cope. When I arrived home, I found that ‘not working’ meant the tank didn’t fill after it was flushed. I fiddled around with this and that, turned the water off and back on, simultaneously clanking a wrench against the side of the tank, so it would sound like I was really working. After a proper amount of diagnostic time, I…

French Lingeaux!

It has been said that the greatest accomplishment of the French people is their mastery of their own French language. This observation is attributed to a student studying for a final exam in – of all things – French class. There is no truth to the rumor that French is difficult to learn. The French language derives from Latin, which is the language spoken by Latinos. Therefore if you speak some English and want to learn French, you should hang around people from Mexico, Cuba and Puerto Rico. What could be simpler? For those of you who are unwilling or unable…

Lesser Known July Holidays

July 1 is . . . Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day and Build A Scarecrow Day July 2 is . . . Visitation of The Virgin Mary Day July 3 is . . . Stay Out of The Sun Day & Compliment Your Mirror Day July 4 is . . . Country Music Day & Tom Sawyer Fence-Painting Day July 5 is . . . Workaholics Day July 6 is . . . National Fried Chicken Day July 7 is . . . National Strawberry Sundae Day July 8 is . . . Video Games Day July 9 is ….

“I’ll Have ABC, and Hold the Oak”

It seems like the only white wine that was available to consumers for some time was Chardonnay. The folks from Napa all gave us the same heavily wooded, buttery rich stuff, too. Personally, I can’t stand those wines. I know many winemakers that hate them with a passion as well. Even though Chardonnay is still the most popular white wine, and the big woody butter bombs still sell like mad, there’s been a growing movement by a group of people known as the ABC crowd (Anything But Chardonnay) to have more interesting white wines grace their tables. So, with summer temperatures…

Horoscopes for June 30-July 6, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, your neighbor builds a 3-hole putting green in his basement. Not to be outdone, you will begin plans to construct a driving range in your living room. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You may have a hoarding compulsion. But, in your case, it actually could save you money, as fashion trends seem to resurface about every 20 years or so. Diet! GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) It is time to send letters to all those who are close to you in mind, but far away in distance. By the time some…

The Glass Less Tasted

A while back, I lamented about Chardonnay being the only white wine most people were familiar with, and that there is a group of people in the wine industry that referred to themselves as the “ABC (Anything But Chardonnay) crowd.” This also holds true for red wines, but is not quite as extreme. Americans rarely venture beyond Cabernet Sauvignon or Merlot in their red preferences. Pinot Noir has seen some popularity since the movie Sideways a few years ago, and Zinfandel has always had a bit of cult following, being one of California’s signature grapes. Syrah (Shiraz) has also settled…

Sell By

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I never thought my barber would Destroy more than my hair. But, yesterday, he shaved my neck And drove me to despair! “What’s this?” he said. “Why, you’ve expired!” I said, “What do you mean?” He touched my neck, “It’s right back here– That place you’ve never seen. “We all have sell-by dates,” he said, “Tattooed behind our ears. We never, ever see them but For glimpses caught in mirrors. “And, then, of course, they’re backwards and Impossible to read, And, so, the implications are Impossible to heed.” It truly is ironic that I’d be the…

Storage Container Hell

Ladies, I have a question. My wife has saved approximately 400 cottage cheese and margarine tubs and another 200 yogurt containers. The yogurt containers are the ones with the lids. Not the ones that are narrow at the top and wide at the bottom, making it nearly impossible to get the last little bit out. Should I be concerned? Supposedly, she has saved these to store leftovers in the refrigerator, and they do seem to be a handy size. However, when I open the refrigerator to get some margarine for my toast, I’m faced with searching through seven or eight…

Obesity

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Today’s beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.” — Dave Barry “To say that obesity is caused by merely consuming too many calories is like saying that the only cause of the American Revolution was the Boston Tea Party.” — Adelle Davis “The hardest exercise…

Playing for Keeps

Keep those wheels of commerce turning; Keep those suckers greased. Keep those time share condos churning; Keep those suckers leased. Keep your looks your highest passion; Keep on buying shoes. Keep your children high on fashion; Keep ignoring clues. Keep five-dollar coffee pumping; Keep refining taste. Keep those plastic bottles dumping; Keep refueling waste. Keep those Hummers gassed and guzzled; Keep those engines hot. Keep your horse sense tightly muzzled; Keep the past un-taught. Keep The Truth from dimly blinking; Keep all wisdom gone. Keep America from thinking. Keep on keeping on. Related posts: 4-D Printers Disapproval New Year’s Vow…

American Corporate Ingenuity

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired…

Word Perfect!

Good reading is one of the pleasures we enjoy without giving it too much thought. What you guys out there don’t realize is that good reading can’t happen without somebody first doing some good writing. There can never be too much good writing in the world. So, in the hopes of inspiring some of you, I’m going to teach you a few fundamentals of good writing. First, you must learn that writing is made up of words. These words have names according to the jobs they do. Words can be nouns or verbs or adverbs, etc. These names are called…

What’s Your Sign? Astrology for the Weak June 23-29, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) The stars show that you should let other people take charge of things this month. But, of course, you won’t. You’re a Capricorn and only you’re the boss of you. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) It is really important to give your body a good chunk of vigorous exercise. After all, during the spring months you put a good chunk of junk in your trunk. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Soak up misguided attention. Enjoy being in the limelight. Savor all the adulation you’re getting. Very soon, people will discover you are…

Do-It-Yourself Projects

Excentric World looks at how people are attempting to save money by engaging in do-it-yourself projects. Popular television programs offer step-by-step instructions for the novice on everything from plumbing to gardening, from electrical wiring to painting. There is a show based on almost every aspect of home improvement. This picture reminded one of our staff of an occasion when his mother was trying to convince his father to put oak paneling on the walls of their living room to add ambience to her Early American motif. He refused for weeks at every request. Finally, she took matters into her own…

Mythology!

Think real hard here. Try to remember. What do these names mean to you: ZEUS, MARS, VENUS, HELEN OF TROY, MERCURY? Do you remember any of them? Of course you do. These are a few of the names we all learned when we studied the mythology of the ancients. Greek gods and goddesses, Roman gods and goddesses, they’re all up there in the mythical mix along with more local names like Paul Bunyan, Pecos Bill, Joe Magarac, and Dale Earnhardt. Oops, slight overstatement there. Everybody knows these names and they think they know the stories behind them. That’s where they’re…

Monsters You Wouldn’t Want to Meet

Q: I read an article about monsters you wouldn’t want to meet. They included Mothman, The Loveland Lizard, The Jersey Devil, Popobawa, The Dover Demon and Bunyips. I’m embarrassed to say that excepting The Jersey Devil (the hockey mascot) and Mothman (a movie with Richard Gere), I haven’t a clue about the other monsters. If they are for real, tell me where they roam, so I can avoid them. Are there others not mentioned above? A: The Dover Demon is an alleged cryptozoological creature sighted in Dover, MA, while Mothman is a creature reportedly seen in the Charleston and Point…

First Family To Go To Moon Soon … by Blodwyn Smythe

With just days before Halloween, a month before Thanksgiving, yet still another month to go before revelers get to shout, “Merry Christmas,” becuase Americans know that wishing people “Happy Holidays” or “Peace on Earth, Good Will To Men” is totally unacceptable in the new Trumpian World, formerly the United States of America, scuttlebut is leaking from the White House that the Trumps are planning an extended vacation out of this world – the likes of which no one has ever witnessed. Someone was even rumored to have been concked on the head for writing, “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” on…

The Wino’s Geek Speak

All professions have their own language. Call it jingo, jargon or whatever other term you desire. Few are as incomprehensible as legalese, but they can still befuddle the uninitiated and unfamiliar. The wine world is no exception. Most people would simply stare at me with an odd look if I handed them a Syrah and said, “It’s a little reductive.” You can even confuse those within a profession as the slang tends to get regional. For instance, if I were in Western Australia, that same Syrah would be pongy, not reductive. What’s the point of mentioning this to you? Well,…

From the Brink of Think

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvyBpsQ3dyE It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties, now and then, to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone “to relax,” I told myself; but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and…

Celebrity Haunted Homes

Q: I read where some old homes of now deceased celebrities are haunted by the former Hollywood sensations. The homes of Marilyn Monroe, Lucille Ball, Errol Flynn, Ozzie Nelson, Mary Pickford and Bugsy Seigel are on the top ten list of celebrity haunted homes. Do you think their spirits stay behind after the body has expired to watch over their former belongings or are they possibly seeking some kind of justice for actions taken against them while they were alive? A: Just guessing, but Bugsy might have been rejected by afterlife bosses and went the way of jack-‘o-lantern. Q: During…

Parenthood

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: PARENTHOOD “Don’t try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.” –Russell Baker “The best brought-up children are those who have seen their parents as they are. Hypocrisy is not the parents’ first duty.” –George Bernard Shaw “To become a father is not hard, to be a father is,…