Intoxicating License Plate
DRY STATE NEWS: Merlot can be a variety of grape or a type of red wine, but not an acceptable personalized license plate in the state of Utah. The Utah Tax Commission told the owner that he had to remove it because the state doesn’t allow words of intoxication to be used on vanity plates. Someone should tell the Utah Tax Commission that Merlot also is a variety of grape, originating in southern France and Italy. Snitching drivers are now on the lookout for the plates Muskat, Champagne and Concord. ANIMAL LOVING NEWS: A man from Flushing, Michigan is loving…
Spare Parts
“You need to come home early,” my wife told me over the phone. “The toilet’s not working.” “OK,” I said and hung up. ‘Not working’ is pretty vague, but I’m handy; I was confident that I would be able to cope. When I arrived home, I found that ‘not working’ meant the tank didn’t fill after it was flushed. I fiddled around with this and that, turned the water off and back on, simultaneously clanking a wrench against the side of the tank, so it would sound like I was really working. After a proper amount of diagnostic time, I…
French Lingeaux!
It has been said that the greatest accomplishment of the French people is their mastery of their own French language. This observation is attributed to a student studying for a final exam in – of all things – French class. There is no truth to the rumor that French is difficult to learn. The French language derives from Latin, which is the language spoken by Latinos. Therefore if you speak some English and want to learn French, you should hang around people from Mexico, Cuba and Puerto Rico. What could be simpler? For those of you who are unwilling or unable…
Lesser Known July Holidays
July 1 is . . . Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day and Build A Scarecrow Day July 2 is . . . Visitation of The Virgin Mary Day July 3 is . . . Stay Out of The Sun Day & Compliment Your Mirror Day July 4 is . . . Country Music Day & Tom Sawyer Fence-Painting Day July 5 is . . . Workaholics Day July 6 is . . . National Fried Chicken Day July 7 is . . . National Strawberry Sundae Day July 8 is . . . Video Games Day July 9 is ….
“I’ll Have ABC, and Hold the Oak”
It seems like the only white wine that was available to consumers for some time was Chardonnay. The folks from Napa all gave us the same heavily wooded, buttery rich stuff, too. Personally, I can’t stand those wines. I know many winemakers that hate them with a passion as well. Even though Chardonnay is still the most popular white wine, and the big woody butter bombs still sell like mad, there’s been a growing movement by a group of people known as the ABC crowd (Anything But Chardonnay) to have more interesting white wines grace their tables. So, with summer temperatures…
Horoscopes for June 30-July 6, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, your neighbor builds a 3-hole putting green in his basement. Not to be outdone, you will begin plans to construct a driving range in your living room. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You may have a hoarding compulsion. But, in your case, it actually could save you money, as fashion trends seem to resurface about every 20 years or so. Diet! GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) It is time to send letters to all those who are close to you in mind, but far away in distance. By the time some…
The Glass Less Tasted
A while back, I lamented about Chardonnay being the only white wine most people were familiar with, and that there is a group of people in the wine industry that referred to themselves as the “ABC (Anything But Chardonnay) crowd.” This also holds true for red wines, but is not quite as extreme. Americans rarely venture beyond Cabernet Sauvignon or Merlot in their red preferences. Pinot Noir has seen some popularity since the movie Sideways a few years ago, and Zinfandel has always had a bit of cult following, being one of California’s signature grapes. Syrah (Shiraz) has also settled…
Sell By
by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I never thought my barber would Destroy more than my hair. But, yesterday, he shaved my neck And drove me to despair! “What’s this?” he said. “Why, you’ve expired!” I said, “What do you mean?” He touched my neck, “It’s right back here– That place you’ve never seen. “We all have sell-by dates,” he said, “Tattooed behind our ears. We never, ever see them but For glimpses caught in mirrors. “And, then, of course, they’re backwards and Impossible to read, And, so, the implications are Impossible to heed.” It truly is ironic that I’d be the…
Storage Container Hell
Ladies, I have a question. My wife has saved approximately 400 cottage cheese and margarine tubs and another 200 yogurt containers. The yogurt containers are the ones with the lids. Not the ones that are narrow at the top and wide at the bottom, making it nearly impossible to get the last little bit out. Should I be concerned? Supposedly, she has saved these to store leftovers in the refrigerator, and they do seem to be a handy size. However, when I open the refrigerator to get some margarine for my toast, I’m faced with searching through seven or eight…
Obesity
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Today’s beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.” — Dave Barry “To say that obesity is caused by merely consuming too many calories is like saying that the only cause of the American Revolution was the Boston Tea Party.” — Adelle Davis “The hardest exercise…
Playing for Keeps
Keep those wheels of commerce turning; Keep those suckers greased. Keep those time share condos churning; Keep those suckers leased. Keep your looks your highest passion; Keep on buying shoes. Keep your children high on fashion; Keep ignoring clues. Keep five-dollar coffee pumping; Keep refining taste. Keep those plastic bottles dumping; Keep refueling waste. Keep those Hummers gassed and guzzled; Keep those engines hot. Keep your horse sense tightly muzzled; Keep the past un-taught. Keep The Truth from dimly blinking; Keep all wisdom gone. Keep America from thinking. Keep on keeping on. Related posts: 4-D Printers Disapproval New Year’s Vow…
American Corporate Ingenuity
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired…
Word Perfect!
Good reading is one of the pleasures we enjoy without giving it too much thought. What you guys out there don’t realize is that good reading can’t happen without somebody first doing some good writing. There can never be too much good writing in the world. So, in the hopes of inspiring some of you, I’m going to teach you a few fundamentals of good writing. First, you must learn that writing is made up of words. These words have names according to the jobs they do. Words can be nouns or verbs or adverbs, etc. These names are called…
What’s Your Sign? Astrology for the Weak June 23-29, 2013
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) The stars show that you should let other people take charge of things this month. But, of course, you won’t. You’re a Capricorn and only you’re the boss of you. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) It is really important to give your body a good chunk of vigorous exercise. After all, during the spring months you put a good chunk of junk in your trunk. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Soak up misguided attention. Enjoy being in the limelight. Savor all the adulation you’re getting. Very soon, people will discover you are…
Do-It-Yourself Projects
Excentric World looks at how people are attempting to save money by engaging in do-it-yourself projects. Popular television programs offer step-by-step instructions for the novice on everything from plumbing to gardening, from electrical wiring to painting. There is a show based on almost every aspect of home improvement. This picture reminded one of our staff of an occasion when his mother was trying to convince his father to put oak paneling on the walls of their living room to add ambience to her Early American motif. He refused for weeks at every request. Finally, she took matters into her own…
Mythology!
Think real hard here. Try to remember. What do these names mean to you: ZEUS, MARS, VENUS, HELEN OF TROY, MERCURY? Do you remember any of them? Of course you do. These are a few of the names we all learned when we studied the mythology of the ancients. Greek gods and goddesses, Roman gods and goddesses, they’re all up there in the mythical mix along with more local names like Paul Bunyan, Pecos Bill, Joe Magarac, and Dale Earnhardt. Oops, slight overstatement there. Everybody knows these names and they think they know the stories behind them. That’s where they’re…
Monsters You Wouldn’t Want to Meet
Q: I read an article about monsters you wouldn’t want to meet. They included Mothman, The Loveland Lizard, The Jersey Devil, Popobawa, The Dover Demon and Bunyips. I’m embarrassed to say that excepting The Jersey Devil (the hockey mascot) and Mothman (a movie with Richard Gere), I haven’t a clue about the other monsters. If they are for real, tell me where they roam, so I can avoid them. Are there others not mentioned above? A: The Dover Demon is an alleged cryptozoological creature sighted in Dover, MA, while Mothman is a creature reportedly seen in the Charleston and Point…
First Family To Go To Moon Soon … by Blodwyn Smythe
With just days before Halloween, a month before Thanksgiving, yet still another month to go before revelers get to shout, “Merry Christmas,” becuase Americans know that wishing people “Happy Holidays” or “Peace on Earth, Good Will To Men” is totally unacceptable in the new Trumpian World, formerly the United States of America, scuttlebut is leaking from the White House that the Trumps are planning an extended vacation out of this world – the likes of which no one has ever witnessed. Someone was even rumored to have been concked on the head for writing, “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” on…
The Wino’s Geek Speak
All professions have their own language. Call it jingo, jargon or whatever other term you desire. Few are as incomprehensible as legalese, but they can still befuddle the uninitiated and unfamiliar. The wine world is no exception. Most people would simply stare at me with an odd look if I handed them a Syrah and said, “It’s a little reductive.” You can even confuse those within a profession as the slang tends to get regional. For instance, if I were in Western Australia, that same Syrah would be pongy, not reductive. What’s the point of mentioning this to you? Well,…
From the Brink of Think
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvyBpsQ3dyE It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties, now and then, to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone “to relax,” I told myself; but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and…
Celebrity Haunted Homes
Q: I read where some old homes of now deceased celebrities are haunted by the former Hollywood sensations. The homes of Marilyn Monroe, Lucille Ball, Errol Flynn, Ozzie Nelson, Mary Pickford and Bugsy Seigel are on the top ten list of celebrity haunted homes. Do you think their spirits stay behind after the body has expired to watch over their former belongings or are they possibly seeking some kind of justice for actions taken against them while they were alive? A: Just guessing, but Bugsy might have been rejected by afterlife bosses and went the way of jack-‘o-lantern. Q: During…
Parenthood
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: PARENTHOOD “Don’t try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.” –Russell Baker “The best brought-up children are those who have seen their parents as they are. Hypocrisy is not the parents’ first duty.” –George Bernard Shaw “To become a father is not hard, to be a father is,…
Geography!
Guess what there’s probably more of in the world than anything else? No, not beer. Not poison ivy either. The answer is geography. Geography is everywhere, all around this big ol’ world of ours. In fact, you could say the world is made of geography. The next time you look at a map of the world, take a moment to appreciate how much geography there is. You can’t find any place on the map that doesn’t have some. The word “geography” comes from the Latin: “geo,” which is a kind of car, and the word “graphos,” which those Latin folks used…
Don’t Break the Chain
THANKS A BUNCH to my friends, for sending me spam emails over the years: I stopped drinking Coca Cola: after I found out that it’s good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies: for fear of sitting on an infected needle. I smell like a dog: since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer. I also stopped answering the phone: for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo. I stopped consuming several foods: for fear that the…
Up with Dogs
She’s given up on husbands, and She’s taken up with dogs. “Dogs shed,” she said, “and host some fleas, And, sometimes, eat my clogs, “But, all of life’s a trade-off, and In weighing tit for tat, It’s clear to me that husbands lose! That dogs are where its at! “Dogs never stop me asking for Directions when I’m lost, Or, when I have a headache, pout, Like they’ve been double-crossed; “Dogs never raise their eyebrows when My Visa bills come in, Or, go into a tizzy, like It’s some kind of a sin When Brian, my old boyfriend, calls Who’s…
Horoscopes for June 16-22, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will look for a new job. Don’t quit your day job yet, as there is little demand for an experienced yachtsman who enjoys gambling, whiskey and a good cigar. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month will find you hanging out with movie stars and the politically elite. In a short period of time, you will be detained for crashing the party uninvited. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will question the quality of your breath this month, as when you talked with someone, they turned away. Later, you will find they…
Panty Man a Problem?
Dear Frankly, I have been married for two years now and it is still exciting. Both of us have had previous marriages that were disasters. The other day when doing laundry, I noticed most of the undergarments were mine and some were stretched. My husband admitted he has been wearing my underwear and says he likes the way they feel and it makes him feel closer to me. Is this something I should be concerned with? Any suggestions? Briefly Betty Dear Briefly, My fifth husband liked to wear my panties. He claimed they were softer than his and made him…
Father Knows Best?
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: FATHERING “There is too much fathering going on just now and there is no doubt about it, fathers are depressing.” –Gertrude Stein “The fundamental defect of fathers, in our competitive society, is that they want their children to be a credit to them.” –Bertrand Russell “Rich men’s sons are seldom rich men’s fathers.” –Herbert…
New Automobile Recalls
Excentric World staff members look at new automobile recalls. On the heels of the massive recalls by Toyota to replace or repair sticking accelerators and failing brakes, Crapper Coupes has recalled its number two seller due to the gas tank handle having to be jiggled to prevent waste. Related posts: Bogus Automobile Insurance Claims Why You Should Vote . . . Dirty Children Make Healthy Adults? Safety on America’s Highways
The Current State of America’s Economy
Sedona Excentric World staff members look at the current state of America’s economy and how some people are adjusting to make ends meet. Hauling a rider mower around on his compact car, this Cornville man hits the road running every weekend, shouting at hecklers, “Fescue, go compost yourself.” Related posts: Safety on America’s Highways Why You Should Vote . . . Financial Struggle An Editorial from Excentric World
