April 16, 2024

Horoscopes for April 6-12, 2014

ARIES (Aprch 21 – April 19)

Closed-door meetings may seem intimidating, but they aren’t always about you. Also, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean you’re not being followed.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

In April, the rising of the new moon could very well bring you a new partner, possibly making your old partner flash you with a new moon. Yikes!

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

This month, the bright light of the Sun shines on your house of dreams, revealing what were once private thoughts. Everyone will then know you’re a kinky weirdo.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

You will make a few new life decisions as the Moon in pragmatic Capricorn sextiles your ruler, clever Uranus. Singing on karaoke night isn’t one of them.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

As you grow in your understanding and compassion for yourself, true love is more likely to find you. Remember, love yourself, just not as much or quite as often.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You’ll try to apply to your own life the advice you give to others. This would improve most people’s lives. You must be giving people some really crappy advice.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

If it’s true that opposites attract, you’ll hook up this April with a sincere, kind, compassionate lover that freely gives of themselves with no strings attached. Ha.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Love, sex, and romance look great this month. The key word here is “look.” Remember when your mom used to tell you, “look, but don’t touch?” There ya go.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Pluto pushes you to consider a possible real estate proposition. Luckily, Pluto is no longer a planet and yields little star power in the new astrological profiling.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

In April, you’ll be feeling especially romantic and even sexier than usual. Unfortunately, you’ll remain at home, alone, as usual. Might be time for a new keyboard.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You will get a knot in your stomach every time you see a certain person this month. You will also get a lump on your head and an agglomeration on your rear. Run.

PISCES (February 19 – Aprch 20)

This month, parts of your life might seem like gladiatorial games out of ancient Rome, other parts might appear to be more like bowling for food out of Burma.

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