April 25, 2024

Horoscopes for February 3-9, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

This month you’ll express your love for a musical instrument. Unfortunately, for friends and neighbors, your choice of instrument is the Diatonic button accordion.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You will be pleasantly surprised when you buy a Babushka doll at a garage sale, and later discover another doll inside, and another and another and another.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will suffer a fit of extreme paranoia in the dentist’s chair after realizing you wore different colored socks. Your dentist is laughing at you under that mask.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

You will befuddle your neighbors and co-workers this month with your new greeting. “Ahoy, matie. It seems you’ve run aground. Permission to come aboard.”

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Another Valentine’s Day will come and go and, once again, noone will ask you to be their valentine. Sending yourself cards, flowers and candy is getting expensive.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will attend a regifting party, where everyone is supposed to bring in something they got but didn’t return. You will sadly end up with the gift you brought.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This is a good time to reflect on old customs and personal characteristics. Flossing after every meal could prove embarrassing when trying to impress a love interest.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You will play Cupid this month and attempt to bring co-workers together. You’ll lose your job after being spotted at the office in a diaper waving a bow and arrow.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Your lover will hint about a special Valentine’s gift they want, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. When you finally do, stand back and watch the fireworks.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Your mother’s words of warning will come in handy this month when all of your friends will decide to get together for a group bungee jump off a local bridge.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

This February, you will struggle with your relationships. Things will be going along smoothly, when you learn that a stranger has stolen your sexual identity.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Pisces will find their birth month all messed up. Venus in in your Seventh House and Mars is in retrograde and a bunch of other planets are doing weird stuff.

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