April 21, 2024

Horoscopes for February 2-8, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You’ll try, but fail, to impress snow bunnies this ski season in Flagstaff. Too late, you’ll find everyone signed your cast, “This Stupid Thing Is Fake!”

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

This month you will discover Castor Oil is like WD40 for the gastro-intestinal tract. You’ll mix it with orange juice and end up non-squeaky clean.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

The month of March finds you facing a conundrum?deciding whether or not to file a police report on the theft of your exotic plants for insurance purposes.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

This is a good time to lie abut your age. In order to guarantee you can collect Social Security benefits, claim you are at least 55, no matter your youthful appearance.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You have tried all the diets available with little-to-no results. Next you will try Green Tea. This too won’t work, probably because of that “exercise” thing.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

March finds you trying meditation and ginseng to reach a higher plane. While in this condition, you’ll have a vision that you feel about the same after some Tequila.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

People will tell you to listen to the little voice inside you. After conjuring the little voice, you find bigger voices have been kicking its butt and stealing its lunches.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll realize the power of movies this month when, after viewing “The Exorcist” over and over, you are able to talk in that demonic voice. Everyone will listen.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Your desire to go into business for yourself comes to fruition this month. You’ll help people lock themselves in their bedroom closet and call it Self Storage.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Focus on reincarnation this month. Experiencing your past life could be revealing. Don’t give up even though all the famous dead people seem to be spoken for.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You’ll go to a wedding and blow bubbles rather than throw rice. The bubbles rise and a flock of geese will be blinded, crash into the party, neutering the groom.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Embarrassment comes at a seance this month when, at the quietest moment, you release a loud blast of gas. Fortunately everyone laughs, blaming it on the specter.

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