April 25, 2024

Horoscopes for January 27-February 2, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You will try to continue passing the holiday spirit along by whistling carols. Joy will come to an abrupt stop when friends and co-workers Super Glue your lips.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You will be approached by the authorities soon for assault with intent to cause internal harm after relatives report you for re-gifting those nasty old fruitcakes.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will emerge from a life-long doubt about the existence of Santa Claus this month. You still didn’t receive any gifts, but your roof is covered in reindeer poop.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

You will spend a good part of January in bed with the flu. It will come to you in a song how you got sick. Fancy ties and Granny’s pies and folks stealin’ a kiss or two.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Another year gone and nothing to write home about, oh – except that your boss ran off with your spouse, your dog and your boat. Well, at least you have your health.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will reassess the tradition of exchanging gifts after stocking your bathroom with all the soap, deodorant. toothpaste, powder and foot spray your received.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This time you will swear you will keep your New Year’s resolution. Knowing Libras, it will probably be that you will make no more New Year’s resolutions.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

PETA reps will show up with protest signs in front of your house after friends turn you in for sending Christmas cards of your defenseless pet in a holiday costume.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

This month will find you buying Get Well cards after reading the notes that accompanied the Christmas cards describing all the ailments everyone is suffering.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Being the royal pain that you are, no one will be surprised when you announce this month that you have decided to attend the technological school of proctology.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

This January, you’ll take a step back and contemplate your future, realizing only a lack of tools, experience and ambition prevents you from achieving your goals.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

The fact that you are reading this tells a lot about Pisces. You are highly intelligent and bored with the mundane trappings of life. Are you really buying this?

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