April 25, 2024

Horoscopes for July 28-August 3, 2013

ARIES (April 21 – April 19)

You will need to pay special attention to safety and not avoid rash decisions this month. That thing could spread if scratched, making you even more hideous.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

The desire for personal and career advancement could cause you to consider furthering your education in some way. Learning from your mistakes doesn’t count.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

With your energy level cranked up, it’s possible you’ll buy a new wardrobe, dye your hair, get a tattoo or body piercing. The new outfit would be the least painful.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

While traipsing though the woods, you’ll find a frog and kiss it hoping for a prince or princess. Your lips will swell like an orangutang with collagen injections.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This July, you might find yourself considering concepts that others think are strange and impractical. It’s okay, most people find you strange and impractical.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

To make yourself more desirable, you’ll start using bath soap with pheromones. It must work, because you just can’t keep your hands off yourself in the shower.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Everyone around you might seem egocentric, and you could feel your concerns are of no interest to anyone. Not sure what separates this from any other month.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

This month, you’ll find life tense and uncomfortable, and relationships will be strained. It could be worse. You could get the rash from Aries or kiss Cancer.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

July may be a good time to meditate and contemplate the more important things in life. First, you must clear your mind. Luckily, this will only take a couple of beers.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

It’s time to update your aspirations. You can do better than a trip to Chucky Cheese, winning a competitive eating contest, or being number 1 Karaoke star.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You have a tough choice to make this month, one that will stretch the limits of your analytical mind. Before the big summer vacation – to wax or not to wax.

PISCES (February 19 – April 20)

Get ready for new experiences to jazz your regular routine with urges to see parts of the globe you’ve only dreamed of visiting. From dreams to urges. Way to go!

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