April 16, 2024

Horoscopes for June 1-7, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

This month, you’ll go home to celebrate the 4th of July. Your father keeps calling you Bucky. You wouldn’t mind if it hadn’t been the name of your old, smelly dog.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

July is the month for vacations. You’ll decide to take the family on a special camping trip to the Grand Canyon, get lost, end up in Utah and covert to Republican.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

It’s officially summer and you need to get into bathing suit shape. Temporary Orthorexia nervosa may be just the thing. Summer only lasts a few months.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Your boss will offer you a new position this month. Don’t take it. Remember the last time this happened and you hurt your back from being bent over like that.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This month, you’ll take up Native American flute playing. Soon, you’ll become so good, field mice will be following you from Cornville to wherever you lead.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

July will find you sobbing uncontrollably upon awakening and when returning home from work. One day spent with your family and the reason is apparent.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You will spend too much time in the hot summer sun, resulting in a burn so severe you have to bathe in butter every morning and go to work smelling like popcorn.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Your desire for a close encounter with an alien finds you on a vortex in Sedona, fasting for four days. Finally hallucinating, you’ll chat with Jose and feel fulfilled.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

This month you’ll apply the theory of relativity to every aspect of your life. When facing a situation in July, you’ll blame your relatives, especially the in-laws.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

July will find you searching your heart for some compassion for your fellow man. You’ll find it, lose it, forget about it and resume your pursuit of that selfish dream.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You will find things going terribly wrong this month. The best thing to do is accuse someone else and walk away. Don’t look back, it might make you doubt yourself.”

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Diet and exercise – that’s all you hear. You’ll finally decide to take a white shirt, dye it and exorcise it and then just stand back and wait for the pounds to fall off.

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