April 25, 2024

Horoscopes for March 10-16, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

March is a good month for you to buy binoculars and join the Audubon Society. It will also be a good month to invest in some new headgear and lens cleaner.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Pay attention to your surroundings this month and learn more about yourself. If small animals are scattering when you pass, your cologne may be a bit strong.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

This month you will get yourself out of a jam and find you are well preserved. It’s dealing with jelly that will cause you serious anguish. That’s the currant situation.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Valentine’s Day was a bust. You will decide to make up for it on St. Patrick’s Day. Unfortunately, the same people who rejected you while sober, will do so drunk.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You’ll spend all this month trying to figure out what Venus is doing in your Love House and whether or not you should ask her to leave – the same way she came in.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Everything you do this month will be almost an exact copy of each of the previous eleven months, except on March 18th, you’ll wake up and pee green.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You love singing. Co-workers will encourage you to try out for American Idol. Later, you’ll overhear that they really think you would drive Paula Abdul to drink.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll need to wear off all the pounds you put on by eating all those Valentine’s chocolates. All will go well until St. Patrick’s Day corned beef and beerfest.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You’ll join hands with some friends and try to summon the spirit of your grandma. Suddenly you hear, “Stop acting like such a fool and go to bed.” Could it be?

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You’ll reflect on past-life loves to gain romantic clarity today. Sadly, it’s the same old story – after about a week, whoever you are dating is drawn to farm animals.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

This month has you jumping for joy after receiving a high score on a Luck Meter. Disappointment sets in when you discover it was actually a Yuck Meter.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Simplicity is the key to success in March. That means you’ll want to avoid situations that seem overly complex. You know – that chewing gum and walking thing.

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