February 27, 2024

Horoscopes for May 5-11, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You will accept that it is time for you to lose your virginity. You won’t want anyone to know, so you’ll hire a professional. They’ll tell you “Not on the first date.”

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

A Chinese fortune cookie helps you realize that “If you have more friends than money, you are never poor.” Especially if you only spend their money.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will be convinced by an acquaintance of yours to invest in what you think is Egyptian antiquities. Later, you’ll learn it is no more than a pyramid scheme.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

You will buy one of those lifelike Japanese robot dogs for companionship. It will be fun for a while until you realize it has found a way to imitate droppings.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Since Easter, you have been haunted by a giant invisible rabbit. Whatever you do, don’t introduce it to another giant invisible rabbit. You know how rabbits are.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will find a rock attached to a stick with leather while hiking in Sedona. The rock will have a chip in it. You will take it back to Sears for a free replacement.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Things at work will seem more than a bit odd in May. It comes to light when you discover that your boss had been tormented with a rubber chicken in a past life.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You continue to struggle with pink slips, receiving one at work last month, being arrested wearing one while shopping at Wal-Mart this month, turning things blue.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

For some reason you’ll be shocked by your internet date’s odd behavior. The personal information said they liked fine wines, walks on the beach and shoplifting.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You’ll read about Druids, get inspired and head for the woods to hug trees. Soon, you’ll develop a rare rash caused by bark beetles and convert to Aquarianism.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Money can’t buy you love or happiness, but this month you’ll discover it can get you a good looking date, influence politics and make you new friends for a while.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

This is a special month for Pisces. Your moon is really out there. Your love house left all the doors open and the planets are laid out like a cool pinball machine.

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